Musæum Clausum

OR

BIBLIOTHECA ABSCONDITA

CONTAINING SOME REMARKABLE BOOKS, ANTIQUITIES, STATION & MOTION PICTURES & RARITIES OF SEVERAL KINDS, SCARCE OR NEVER SEEN BY ANY MAN, WO OR OTHERWISE, NOW LIVING

1. Adorno on "Rhoda" (1989). A collection of the celebrated Critical Theorist's writings on the legendary 1970s sitcom. With a preface by Soma Morgenstern, bête noir of the young Adorno and great-uncle of the show's eponym.


2. Goldie (1985). Biopic on Oliver Goldsmith starring Wallace Shawn.


3. Gould or Gulda? [UK title: Glenn or Gulda] (1987) by H. H. Stuckenschmidt. A comparative study of the two pianists and the swansong of the dean of German musicology. It poses such questions as "Which constitutes greater proof of pianistic genius: Gulda's nudism or Gould's hypervestitism?" and "Which event truly marked the death of classical music: Gould's interruption of his only recording session with Leopold Stokowski to chew the fat with Barbara Streisand or Gulda's first collaboration with Chick Corea?"


4. Loot of the Froom (1991). Third (?) solo effort by Fred Froom, the Tampa Bay area's preeminent Billy Joel lookalike and Todd Rundgren manqué, of i don't know why i'm telling you this obscurity. Its cover art consists of a full-body front-view shot of Froom clad in nothing but a pair of so-called tighty-whities and a pirate tricorn, festooned in rhinestone necklaces, and standing ankle deep in a pool of doubloons, all of the booty (apart from the undies) being obviously on loan from the hoard of a Gasparilla Day parade float-captain. Recorded at Morrisound studios (natch), and featuring Mike Pachelli on phoned-in lead guitar on two tracks.

5. Exit Pursued by a Bear (2007), a novel by Denis Bleuh. Septuagenarian writer-prostate cancer survivor Theodric Sakharmam finds his efforts to put the finishing touches on his career-crowning biography of George Plimpton continually stymied by the amorous advances of his “Number-One Fan,” a 350-pound retired male cop.

6. The Merchants of Venice (ABC, 126 episodes, 1965-77). Just like The Waltons, only with a southern-Californian setting. Also just like The Beverly Hillbillies, only not funny. Also just like Baywatch, only older-looking and more incestuous.

7.  A 33RPM seven-inch flexidisc included in the July 1979 issue of Gramophone and featuring bass-baritone Willard White singing the Queen of the Night's revenge aria ("Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herz") from The Magic Flute, backed with his rendition of Minnie Riperton's "Lovin' You."  

8. Spick and Span (Eight episodes, 1976, ABC).  Police drama pitched as “a(n) hispanic Starsky and Hutch,” it paired suave, cerrado-culo Spanish émigré detective Enrique “Span” de Lobo y Oveja (Ricardo Montalbán) with brash, garrulous, pizza-gourmandizing Puerto Rican sidekick Pepe “Spick” Ortíz (Freddie Prinze).  The mise-en-scène consisted mainly of frontal, in-car, two-shot takes wherein Span berated Spick for his ignorance of the glories of Spanish culture (Cervantes, flamenco, paella, tauricide, Corinthian leather, &c.), alternating with rapid-cut fight scenes wherein Spick extricated Span from various scrapes in which he had been landed by his lack of sensatez de la calle.  The show was canceled owing not, as one may suppose, to pressure from the Stateside Latino lobby but to a formal diplomatic protest by the Spanish government, who objected to the casting of  "un sucio mexicano" as a Spaniard.