Showing posts with label Bosley. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bosley. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 21, 2023

From Bosley's Cyclopædia of Musical Anecdotes

Unlike that of most of Haydn’s sobriquet-sporting compositions, the nickname of Haydn’s Symphony No. 64 in A major, ‘Tempora mutantur,’ has always been unequivocally traceable to the composer owing to its appearance in his hand in the headings of the orchestral parts distributed to the musicians at Esterházy for the work’s first performance, but hitherto no one has tendered a satisfactory explanation of the phrase’s superscription. The full wording of the phrase in the headings, ‘Tempora mutantur et.,’ makes plain that it is an invocation of the modern-Latin adage ‘Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis,’ meaning ‘The times change and we change with them,’ but no aspect of either the form or the content of the work plausibly hints at any applicability of the adage thereto. Elaine Sisman’s widely circulated contention that the adage is invoked zeugmatically by way of designating certain ‘time changes’ in the second movement—notably, irruptions of fortissimo quavers and pianissimo crochets suggestive of a common-time meter in contradiction of the movement’s 3/4  time signature—has never been more than faintly tenable in the light of both the manifest applicability of the adage to the entire symphony (owing to its exclusive presence on the first page of the first movement) and the absence of it or any other verbal indication of an unusual treatment of meter from the orchestral parts of the Symphony No. 65 (also in A major), which was composed at most three years later and indulges in explicitly notated proto-Stravinskyan alternations between 3/4 and 4/4 in its minuet. Fortunately, thanks to a new edition of legendary Haydn scholar H.C. Robbins Landon’s legendary Haydn: Chronicle and Works, the meaning and purpose of the nickname have now been definitively ascertained ‘thanks,’ writes Landon, ‘to the recent discovery in the attic of the Rathaus in Eisenstadt of the manuscript of a memoir by the violinist and leader of the Esterházy orchestra, Luigi Tomasini, and in particular to the following passage therein (apologies to my Italian readers for taking the liberty of presenting it in my own English translation, which makes no attempt to capture the ineffable verve and sprightliness of the original):

At midday on the 10th of October, Herr Haydn and I were in the Kapellmeister’s wardrobe-room and dressing for the final rehearsal of his new overture in A major, which we were to perform for his Excellency and his guests in the Sala Terrena that evening. In conformity with the maestro’s own rule for these final rehearsals, we were donning our full livery—the same livery of silver-trimmed scarlet that we would be wearing at the performance itself—and the maestro, having already put on his breeches, was buttoning up his waistcoat, and he found that owing, apparently, to his excessive girth at about the level of his navel, he could not make the bottom button completely traverse the distance separating it from its hole. The maestro immediately expressed much surprise and consternation at the excess: “How can it be, my dear Luigi, that I have put on so much weight since the Kapelle’s last performance a mere month ago? After all, as you know, I rigorously adhere to the most austere dietary regimen, taking only a Lincoln continental breakfast1 and at suppertime a bit of bread with a sip of wine. And at dinner, like you, I always sit at his Excellency’s servants’ table, at which we have been offered the same four or five main courses and side-courses in rotation for at least the past five years. Moreover, I have not lately bated the length of my daily morning or afternoon constitutional by so much as a hand-span. So what the D***l has induced this lamentable expansion of my belly?” “In the first place, maestro,” I began in reply while smiling the most equable of smiles, “you are not alone in having put on a few pounds since our last performance.  Observe,” I said, pointing at the lower half of my waistcoat (for I had arrived at the wardrobe room a few minutes before the maestro, and consequently had already buttoned up my waistcoat as nearly fully as I could), “that I myself have been obliged to leave my bottom waistcoat button unbuttoned.” “Why then,” the maestro immediately countered with characteristic gimlet-eyed quick-wittedness, “you have obviously been letting yourself go in some department of your life.” “To the contrary, maestro,” I counter-countered, my equability unruffled in virtue of my full knowledge of the facts of the case, “I have been adhering as tightly as you to a dietary regimen and an exercise routine as Spartan as yours (although, to be sure, whereas you take wine with your suppertime crust of bread I take beer with mine, and whereas you exercise by taking constitutionals I exercise by ringing a dumb-bell in my chamber). And as you have just remarked, like you, I have been dining exclusively at his Excellency’s servants’ table, where, as you have also just remarked, we have been offered the same four or five main courses and side-courses in rotation for at least the past five years.” “So then what are you insinuating, Luigi? Would you have me believe that the very air here at Eszterháza has lately been impregnated with lard or butter?” “The air, no, my dear maestro, but the water, yes.” “What the D***l do you mean, Luigi? I have never heard, let alone partaken, of a glass of butter-water or lard-water, here or anywhere else.” “Nor have I. But do we not consume water through certain ingredients of food as well as through beverages?” “Ah yes: through sauces, gravies, soups, doughs …” “…sauces, gravies, soups, doughs, yes—and batters.” “Ah yes, of course, batters, as in pancakes. But we are served pancakes here only at Shrove Tuesday, which was well over half a year ago.” “Yes, but batter is used in other preparations of food than pancakes. You will recall, maestro, that on each and every Thursday, barring special fast and feast days, we servants of his Excellency dine on Tafelspitz accompanied by a sort of vegetable fritter.” “Ah, yes: the fritter whose recipe his Excellency received from his epistolary correspondent in Japan, that Swedish natural philosopher, Herr von Thun-something?” “Von Thunberg. Exactly: that very fritter prepared and cooked in conformity with that very recipe received from that very correspondent of his Excellency. Well, my current dulcinea, Gisele, is a scullery maid in his Excellency’s kitchen, which as you know is presided over by old Frau Stuckenschmidt.” “Ah, yes, Frau Stuckenschmidt: I have never encountered a sharper-tongued old termagant (apart, perhaps from Frau Haydn, my wife. But let us not repair thither [in either of two ways]).” “Yes (or no), let us not. In any case, for all her shrewishness, Frau Stuckenschmidt is a most excellent cook.” “To be sure she is, Luigi. For as the proverb goes,” he added with a mischievous twinkle in one of his eyes (I no longer remember which one): “‘With a name like Stuckenschmidt, it has to be good.’” Whereupon the two of us enjoyed a hearty laugh that made our unprecedentedly exposed bellies shake like a pair of brimful jam-jars until at length I resumed my account thus: “About two months ago, my Gisele was in the scullery at about eleven in the morning, in other words, about three hours before dinnertime, and having prepared the batter for the fritter, she was about to immerse the first of several-dozen radishes in the mixture, when Frau Stuckenschmidt came rushing in with a saucepan in one hand and a spoon in the other and shrieking, ‘Drop that radish at once, Silchen!’ Whereupon (or, at any rate, immediately after my Silchen had heeded her command and the previously mystifyingly hazardous radish was lying harmlessly on the chopping-board) she emptied the contents of the saucepan—which self-evidently consisted entirely of melted butter—into the bowl containing the batter. Then she handed the spoon to Gisele and said: ‘Mix that butter thoroughly into the batter before you dip any more radishes, and throw out any of ’em you’ve already dipped.’ ‘B-b-but,’ my poor Silchen spluttered in desperation, knowing as she did that if she obeyed her mistress she would risk bringing down the wrath of his Excellency himself upon her poor snail braid-bracketed little head, ‘what about Herr von Thunberg’s recipe?’ ‘Zum T****l mit Herr von Thunberg und mit his schtinking recipe!’ Frau Stuckenschmidt thundered, then continued at a rolling boil thus: ‘A batter without butter is simply and utterly un-Austrian, un-Hungarian, un-German, un-Central European, un-Habsburgian and un-Holy-Roman-Imperial! From now on, we are going to put a half a pound of butter in every batch. And neither his Excellency nor Herr von Thunberg need ever know about it, as long as you keep your schtinking little lips sealed!’” “And obviously,” the maestro then ruefully remarked, “your dulcinea has failed to keep those selfsame lips sealed.” “Obviously, at least to me. But I hope, maestro, that I can prevail upon you not to breathe a word of this to his Excellency at his next baryton lesson.” “You most certainly can and indeed have. Howbeit, the news of this change in the recipe for the fritter must be shared with the rest of the orchestra, lest we all soon find ourselves too heavyset to fit into our chairs as well as our uniforms.” “I agree, maestro. But how are we to keep the news confined to the band? Not to name any names, but among my fellow-fiddlers alone there are one or two fellows who are scarcely more trustworthy with a secret than my Silchen.” “Why, then, we must somehow communicate the news to the musicians without communicating it to them, if you take my meaning.” Genuinely nonplussed, I replied, “I’m not quite sure I do, maestro.” “What I mean is that we must give them a kind of signal that works on them…how do you say?...subliminally, that makes them averse to the fritter without apprising them of the source of their aversion. But the signal must be something that they all know by rote, something they have all known since their schooldays….Sapperlot, I think I’ve got it! Tempura mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.” Genuinely nonplussed yet again, I remarked: “I own that they are all likely to recognize that tag, but I fail to see its relevance to our purpose. I mean, ‘The times change…’” “…Not tempora mutantur, Luigi: tempura mutantur.” “Ah,” I exclaimed, plussed at last: “tempura: the authentick Japanese name of the fritter!” “Exactly: so, Tempura mutantur—” here he broke off just long enough to grip his new paunch on either side like a loaf and heft it like a ten-pin bowling ball as he smiled a smile whose impish winsomeness would have made Shakespeare’s Puck turn green–“nos et mutamur in illis: as Japanese fritter recipes change, we change with them.” “And,” I gleefully chimed in, launching into the remainder of the new-modeled tag: “Quomodo? Fit semper tempura peior homo: How so? A new Japanese fritter recipe always makes a man worse.” “Exactly! And now,” he said as he sat down and began pulling on the first of his stockings (I no longer remember which one), “fetch me pen and ink forthwith, Luigi,” (for by then I was fully dressed), “for as soon as I have put on my shoes I shall add the opening words of the tag to the instrumental parts myself, so that the musicians will reflexively regard them as an order from me.” And so I did as he had asked; he did as he had promised; next time the fritter made its appearance at dinnertime, not a single one of us butcher’s double-dozen musicians touched it; Frau Stuckenschmidt promptly took the hint and reverted to the old recipe; by All Souls’ Day we were all once again fitting comfortably into our uniforms; and I’ll wager that by Christmastime we were the sveltest musical ensemble in all the Habsburg Lands, if not in all of Central Europe.

That Haydn’s one-charactered alteration of the adage went unnoticed for over two centuries is easily explained by the presumptive minuteness of the interval in which he was obliged to add its abridgment to all butcher’s double-dozen parts, for while Haydn’s handwriting was ordinarily quite impeccably regular, in situations of unusual urgency it would exhibit certain peculiarities that have bedeviled his most gimlet-eyed editors (including the present one). Chief among these quirks was a tendency of the return arcs of his descending strokes to overshoot their marks, a tendency that inter alia made his lowercase u’s virtually indistinguishable from his lowercase o’s. Although I had been aware of this tendency since my days as a teenaged amateur Haydn scholar, until I encountered Tomasini’s memoir, my equally ancient familiarity with the adage had blinded me to the tendency’s occurrence in the quotation, or rather creative misquotation, of the adage in the orchestral parts of Hob. I:64.”1.

1.       H.C. Robbins Landon, Haydn: Chronicle and Works, Vol. 2, Haydn in Esterhaza. The Director’s Cut. (Sheboygan: University of Wisconsin-Green Bay Press, 2005), pp. 215-24.

             

2.      In the same passage wherein Landon cleareth up one mystery he begetteth another, for I was always given to understand that the Lincoln continental breakfast, consisting of a cup of coffee solus, owed its name to the breakfasting practice of the 16th U.S. president, but as Abraham Lincoln was not even born until Haydn’s death-year, 1809, that debt must evidently be sought elsewhere—presumably in the breakfasting practice of the inhabitants of the county town of Lincolnshire, as the capital of Nebraska was founded in 1856, nearly a half-century after Haydn’s disparation.  (Editor’s [i.e., Bosley’s] note)  

Friday, December 24, 2021

From Bosley’s Cyclopædia of Courtroom Anecdotes

Wellsir, in answer to your question: yes, what with that there trial being the biggest thing that’s ever happened here in Dayton, or really even the only thing that’s ever happened here in Dayton, I have heard a fair amount about what folks from other parts o’ the country have said about it. I hear tell they mostly blame Bryan’s downfall on all them snippy highfalutin things Darrow said about Scripture. For example, there was that bit he did about the book of Joshua, about how Joshua couldn’ta made the sun stand still as long as Scripture says he did ’cos if he had the earth woulda turned into “a vast molten mass”—I guess ’cos the bit o’ the earth facin’ the sun woulda been facin’ it too long.  Then o’ course Darrow laid into them mile-deep family trees in the book o’ Genesis with all them begats—“And Arphaxad begat Salah, and Salah begat Eber,” and so forth. He tried to show that even after you added up all them begats starting with Adam, the world turned out to be a heck of a lot too young ’ccordin’ to the Bible by comparison with how old them scientist-folks said it was ’ccordin’ to some cockamamie way they had o’ weighin’ rocks—or maybe it was smellin’ ’em; I don’t rightly remember. Well, like I said, from what I hear tell, them out-o’-town folks think that Bryan’s goose was cooked by all that highfalutin mumbo-jumbo, that it discombobulated him and also made him look like a clown in the eyes o’ the jurors. But I say different, and I say it partly ’cos apart from one other moment—which I’ll get round to talkin’ ’bout in the sweet by and by—I can’t recall any other time during the trial when the jury looked more like a circus audience or a passel o’ goose-cookin’ spectators than when Darrow was spoutin’ that there mumbo-jumbo. What’s that you asked, mister? Oh yeah, there sure as heck is such a thing as a public goose-cookin.’ They’re mighty pop’lar around here, or were mighty pop’lar round here, till that Julia Child woman started ’pearin’ on television. Anyhow, like I was sayin’, the jury was obviously unimpressed by Darrow’s Bible-bashin’ spiel.  In particular, I remember how the foreman, Jim Stebbins, seemed to find the whole spiel completely ridiculous, and he looked like he found it more and more ridiculous the longer Darrow talked. He started out by rollin’ his eyes, then he moved on to stickin’ his tongue out, and by the time Darrow was wrappin’ up he had his right hand balled up into a fist and was movin’ it to and from his person in a manner that as a Christian I daren’t even describe in greater detail, let alone show you with my own northpaw. What’s that you ask, mister? Since the jury did end up findin’ Mr. Scopes not guilty, mustn’t there have been somethin’ ’bout Mr. Darrow’s case that they did end up findin’ convincin’? Why o’ course there musta been, and that brings me to that other moment I was alludin’ to just now.  It came just after Bryan’s rebuttal o’ the Bible-bashin’ spiel. The upshot o’ this rebuttal was that for all he, Bryan, knew, Darrow mighta been right about the sun and about all those rocks, and even about somethin’ he, Darrow, had said earlier than that, namely that give or take a million or two begats, every single one of us—includin’ Adam and Eve—were actual, genu-wine monkeys’ nieces and nephews. So Bryan said that for all he, Bryan, knew Darrow mighta been right about that but that he, Bryan, couldn’t see what difference it made even if he, Darrow, was right. He, Bryan, said the whole thing reminded him o’ somethin’ in that feller Boswell’s book about his, Boswell’s, friend Sam Johnson. You see, Boswell and Johnson had been chattin’ with an acquaintance o’ theirs, a sort o’ Chuck Darwin before his time; only he wuddn’t just a regular scientist-type feller like Darwin; he was one o’ them-there aristocrats, a lord, you know, a real high mucky-muck, although I’m tempted to call him a monkey-monk, not only ’cos he was wild about monkeys like Darwin but also ’cos his name sounded like one o’ them there bigger types o’ monkeys—it was Lord Monumbo or Benombo or somethin’ like that. Anyhow, like Darwin this Lord Monombo feller thought that us human bein’s used to have tails and walk on all four like monkeys and that they’d somehow lost them tails and started walkin’ upright along the way ’cos it wuddn’t useful for ’em to have tails anymore on account o’ their not livin’ in trees anymore. And Johnson thought this Lord Monombo was just about the silliest feller in the world—not only or even mainly just ’cos he, Johnson, didn’t believe human bein’s had ever had tails or walked on all four (although to be sure, he sure as Sam Hill didn’t believe that), but mainly ’cos he reckoned that even if human bein’s had had tails and walked on all four once upon a time, it wouldn’t do ’em any good now to know they’d once had ’em and done that, ’cos they didn’t need tails or need to walk on all four anymore now. “Sir,” Sam Johnson had said to Boswell, ’ccordin’ to Bryan, “it,” meanin’ this notion o’ human bein’s havin’ had tails like monkeys and walkin’ on all four way back when, “is all conjecture about a thing useless, even were it known to be true. Knowledge of all kinds is good. Conjecture, as to things useful, is good; but conjecture as to what it would be useless to know, such as whether men went upon all four and had tails, is very idle.” Those had been Sam Johnson’s exact words ’ccordin’ to Boswell ’ccordin’ to Bryan; I’ve got one o’ them what they call phonographic memories, you see, even if I can’t quite remember the exact name o’ that Lord Monombo or Benombo feller; most peculiar, that. Anyhow, I thought Sam Johnson’s words made mighty good sense, ’specially with regard to the whole point at issue in the trial, the question whether that Darwin feller’s mumbo-jumbo should be taught in our school. After all, school’s all about—or should be all about—teachin’ the young ’ins readin,’ writin,’ and ’rithmetic, teachin’ ’em things they’ll actually use in a complex, ever-changin’, and increasingly globalized workin’ ’vironment. And what could the blessed use be of knowin’ their umpteenth-great granpa ‘n’ granma went around on all four and swung from tree to tree by their tails like a dad-blamed monkey? Will they somehow climb up the…how do you say?…corporate ladder with that nonexistent tail o’ theirs? That nonexistent tail sure as heck duddn’t do me any good at the jail or the courthouse. ’Course in lots o’ ways it would be nice if I had that tail, if it was an existent tail. I could carry m’keys with it, and maybe lassoo prisoners with it if they tried to run away. But as long as I ain’t got that tail, and that’s goin’ to be as long as all eternity, there’s no point in dwellin’ on what I could be doin’ with it, ’cos that’s just goin’ to make me sad. And I s’pose I could go ’round the courthouse on all four even now if I wanted to. But the judge and the sheriff’d never stand for it—or, rather, join me on all four for it—and it’d be mighty hard to slip handcuffs on the prisoners if I had to keep m’own two mitts on the floor as a matter o’course. I suppose I’d just whip the cuffs into m’teeth first with m’tail. Anyhow, like I was sayin’, or about to be sayin’, I found that Sam Johnson-powered spiel o’ Bryan’s pretty persuasive, and more to the point, the jury seemed to be findin’ it pretty durned persuasive too. Jim Stebbins started out by furrowin’ his brow and pursin’ his lips and noddin’ pretty sympathetically, and by the time Bryan was finished, he was kissin’ his fingertips (I mean his own fingertips not Bryan’s) over ‘n’ over again in a manner that as an American, and more to the point a non-Eyetalian, I daren’t even describe in greater detail, let alone show you with m’own northpaw-‘n’-kisser. I tell you, that jury looked like the furthest thing in the world from a passel o’ goose-cookin’ spectators; they looked like they was watchin’ an…I dunno…an owl-freezin’, I guess. Bryan himself seemed pretty satisfied with that owl-freezin’ spiel, and rightly so, and I reckon that if the trial had ended right then ‘n’ there, Mr. Scopes woulda been found guilty on all counts and sent straight to the hoosegow, and he’d probably still be behind bars to this day. But unfortunately the order o’ bidness that day allowed Darrow a counter-rebuttal. And that counter-rebuttal was what really administered the abovementioned cookin’ to Bryan’s goose. It bawled down to just fifteen words, and none of ’em any o’ those fifty-cent lawyerly words neither. Surprisin’ ain’t it, that a feller’s whole goose could be cooked by just fifteen little words? But it wuddn’t the words alone that were so devastatin’; what made ’em so devastatin’ was what Darrow was doin’ as he was sayin’ ’em.  But even to give you an idearrof what he was doin’ then, I’ve got to tell you a little story. You see, a few days before this, before this day of the trial, Darrow paid a visit to our town’s only tailor, Joe Haggardy, to order some new pants. I know this ’cos I stopped by Joe’s shop m’self a few days later, a few days after the trial was over, to have a new pair o’ pants for m’uniform made from scratch, which I had to do for reasons that’ll soon become clear, and Joe told me all about what Darrow’d said to him during his visit. He said Darrow wanted the new pants—six pairs o’them, actually—’cos all the ones he had with him were fittin’ him too tightly in a certain part o’ the body that as a Christian I daren’t name. “The problem with the pants I got now,” Darrow says, as he’s standin’ in his skivvies and Joe’s measurin’ him for the new pants, “is that the crotch, down where your nuts hang”—What’s that, you say? Why am I namin’ the place when I just said I daren’t name it? Well, ’cos this ain’t me talkin’ now, you see: this is Darrow talkin’, courtesy of my phonographic memory. So anyhow, Darrow says, “The problem is that the crotch, down where your nuts hang, is always a little too tight. So when you make the new ones up, give me a couple inches that I can let out there, ’cos the old ones cut me. They’re just like ridin’ a wire fence. See if you can’t leave me about six inches from where the zipper ends around under my—back to m’ bunghole.” “In other words,” Joe rejoins, and again, this is Joe talkin’ now, not me, “you’d like just a little more stride in the crotch?” “Yeah that’s right,” Darrow re-rejoins. “I asked him that,” Joe says to me after tellin’ me all this, “’cos that’s what I always ask a feller when he wants more room down there, but o’ course six inches is an awful lot o’extra cloth just for addin’ a little more stride, and I woulda thought one extra inch wouda done for that purpose for a man o’ his build, if you know what I mean.” And I did know what he meant, and I still know what he meant, only I ain’t goin’ to specify it, ’cos it ain’t somethin’ fit for a Christian to specify, and m’phonographic memory’s obviously no use to me now ’cos Joe didn’t specify it himself. But I reckon a fancy-pants city slicker like yourself, a feller who’s prob’ly got his own personal tailor, will know what Joe meant if a pig-ignrn’t hayseed like me does. Anyhow, considerin’ Darrow didn’t seem to need all that extra cloth, you mighta thought he’d asked for it with exactly what he did in court a coupla days later in mind, ’cept I don’t know how he woulda known he was goin’ to have occasion to do what he did then, ’cos I don’t know how he woulda known Bryan was goin’ to say what he said just before he, Darrow, did what he did. It almost makes you think the two of ’em had scripted it all out beforehand, duddn’t it? Well anyhow, irregardless of whatever the two o’them’d concocted behind the scenes, what Darrow did ‘n’ said after Bryan finished up his mighty persuasive spiel was meant to make Bryan look like a clown, and certainly it did just that. Now what he did was this: he grabbed the fly o’his trousers—one o’ the pairs of trousers he’d just had Joe make him—and bunched up the cloth there so that a good bit of it—yes, yes, yes: a good six inches of it—was stickin’ out from between his thumb ‘n’ forefinger. And then he said with a smile on his face that woulda’ made that wicked Roman feller from that fancy film ’bout our Savior’s robe—Caligula, you say?—right, Caligula; he said with a smile that woulda made Caligula blush, “Mr. Bryan, I am much more interested in the Johnson of life than in the Life of Johnson.” And then he wiggled that bit o’ cloth over ‘n’ over again; he kept wigglin’ it and wigglin’ it, and dad blame me if (and ’member I didn’t yet know he’d been to Joe’s shop then), dad blame me if it didn’t look like there was nothin’ but a flypaper-thin layer o’ gabardine ‘n’ broadcloth apiece separatin’ my peepers ‘n’ the peepers of everybody else in that courtroom from the sight o’ his nekkid you-know-what. And I don’t know if it was owin’ to the sheer dad-blamed cheekiness o’ the whole performance, or the sheer dad-blamed ridiculousness of it or sheer-dad blamed awe at the presumed dimensions of that-there-you know what, but whatever the reason was, there wuddn’t a man or woman in that courtroom—includin’ Bryan himself ‘n’ the judge—who could keep a straight face as they watched those six inches o’ cloth jigglin’ up ‘n’ down ’tween Darrow’s fingers. And some of us, includin’ m’self, also couldn’t keep control o’certain other parts of us, certain parts down below other’n the one we thought Darrow was jigglin’; hence m’need to visit Joe’s shop afterwards. And perhaps not quite needless to say, ’cos that some-of-us also included the stenographer, that lady stopped mindin’ the keys on her machine altogether ‘n’ never got ’round to recordin’ any part o’ the “Johnson o’ life” episode, so’s it ended up bein’ missin’ from the record of the trial, so’s that as far as the general public and history’ve been concerned, Darrow nailed Bryan on nothin’ but his ignorance o’ that cockamamey mumbo-jumbo ’bout rocks.  But that’s all goin’ to change now, ain’t it, Mr. Hornbeck? You’ll make sure the truth finally gets out, wontcha?

—Enos P. Shroyer, former bailiff at the jail and courthouse of Dayton County, Tennessee, speaking to E.K. Hornbeck, Jr. of the Baltimore Herald on January 23, 1965. The typescript of Shroyer’s remarks, evidently transcribed from a subsequently destroyed Dictaphone tape, was discovered in Hornbeck’s posthumous papers in 1999; no article incorporating the remarks had appeared in the Herald or any other newspaper in the meantime.

Friday, June 29, 2012

From Bosley's New Dictionary of Received Ideas

Kafkaesque.  adj. Involving a document that requires more than one signature.  (I can't take this piece of company equipment valued at $180,000 outside the building without showing the security guard this form signed by my boss and my boss's boss.  How Kafkaesque! ) [f. Franz Kafka, that guy who wrote that story about the guy that turns into a cockroach.]

Thursday, June 25, 2009

From Bosley's Cyclopædia of Musical Anecdotes

"His music is as regal as the glare of the sun off Lake Argle [1], refracted through a large glass of Ergal lager."

--Sir Thomas Beecham in an obituary for Sir Edward Elgar in The Scotsman, 25 February 1934

[1] Evidently a typographical error for 'Argyle'--RB

Saturday, September 06, 2008

From Bosley's Cyclopædia of Musical Anecdotes

“Le morceau est plûtot une symphonie indistinguible.”
[The piece would better be described as an indistinguishable symphony.]
—Maruice Ravel on Carl Nielsen’s Symphony No. 4, “The Inextinguishable” (as overheard by Jacques Sedule, music correspondent for Le Figaro, at the work’s Paris premiere on 24 January 1928).

Thursday, August 14, 2008

From Bosley's Cyclopædia of Musical Anecdotes

Everybody knows that Jacques Offenbach wasn’t originally surnamed Offenbach, but few know the story behind his assumption of his famous nom de plume. It is as follows: In the early months of 1832, the young Jacques Eberst, then a promising if somewhat post-aurally humid violoncellist newly arrived in Paris, sought private tuition from the celebrated Yankee ’cello virtuoso Franklin van Vleet (father of the soon to be-even more celebrated double-bass virtuoso, van Buren van Vleet), then vleetingly—erm, fleetingly-- resident in the French capital. For Jacques’s first exercise, van Vleet assigned him the Prelude to J. S. Bach’s G Major solo ’cello suite. Now, it would be putting it very… how do you say?...charitably to say that in those days BWVs 1007 through 1012 were not held in particularly high esteem by either amateur or professional musicians; indeed, the most popular performing version of the suites was then Breitkopf & Härtel’s so-called double-duty edition, issued on rolls of perforated tissue paper with the aim of “facilitating the infant ’cellist’s elementary bowing and wiping techniques simultaneously.” Hence, it was only natural that young Eberst should, as it were, preemptively read between the scored lines of this assignment; that he should see in it an invitation to virtual co-compositiorial embellishment rather than as an exercise in mere interpretation. Little did he know what a staunchly cross-grained advocate of the Boss's recorded intentions he had met with in Mynheer--erm Mr.--van Vleet. So, anyway, young Eberst shows up for lesson number two, with liberally marked-up score in hand, and sits down to render unto his teacher not so much a straight performance of BWV 1007 I as a performance thereof with running commentary; for atop the familiar quaver arpeggios he has seen fit to lay out a lyrical legato melody composed of a languid succession of crotchets and semibreves--in short, a sort of Gounodian Ave Maria avant la lettre.

Van Vleet, suffice it to say, would have none of this. By bar five his legendarily short fuse was at its breaking point [sic]. Extracting his signature Emporia cheroot from betwixt his manifestly clenched bicuspids and stubbing it out in his equally signature Sèvres ashtray of exquisite Polish [sic] craftsmanship, he splutteringly ejaculated (in English),
“Cut...I say, cut...I say, cut that out now, son! There’s no call to jack off in Bach.” And the rest, as they say, is [makes farting noises in lieu of asterisks].

From Guisepe [sic] Verdini, Mya Life ina ze Muzic (Buenos Aires, 1896)