From Bosley's New Dictionary of Received Ideas

Kafkaesque.  adj. Involving a document that requires more than one signature.  (I can't take this piece of company equipment valued at $180,000 outside the building without showing the security guard this form signed by my boss and my boss's boss.  How Kafkaesque! ) [f. Franz Kafka, that guy who wrote that story about the guy that turns into a cockroach.]

A Translation of Claus Peymann kauft sich eine Hose und geht mit mir essen by Thomas Bernhard

Claus Peymann Buys Himself a Pair of Trousers and Dines with Me

Three Minidramas

*
Claus Peymann Leaves Bochum and Goes to Vienna as Director of the Burgtheater

Scene I

Bochum, Director’s Office at the Playhouse

Midnight

PEYMANN to Christiane Schneider, his secretary, who is packing his suitcases

Bochum will have to kiss

my ass

Once we’re away from here

we’ll be able to breathe freely

Sitting down at his desk and signing some documents

On the other hand

If I had my druthers I’d take the Bochum playhouse

with me to Vienna

but obviously there’s no room for it in these suitcases

And naturally also the applause

that we have always received in Bochum

but an applause-suitcase has yet to be designed

by the designers of suitcases

We mustn’t take too much stuff with us to Vienna

you might as well throw out a pair of dramaturges

and a pair of actors

SCHNEIDER throws a pair of actors and a pair of dramaturges out of the suitcases

PEYMANN

The best arrangement would be one dramaturge

and one actor

or no dramaturge at all

and no actor

It is indeed a piece of hard luck

that we always need at least one actor

at least one dramaturge

SCHNEIDER

I’m sticking the dramaturges in the sock-suitcase

PEYMANN

Yes of course the dramaturges in the sock-suitcase

SCHNEIDER

And the actors in the trouser-suitcase

PEYMANN

Whatever you like Miss Schneider

I know you’ll put everything to rights

SCHNEIDER

I’m putting the dramaturges into the suitcase first

On top of them I’m carefully setting your undershirts

With your white waistcoat at the very top

PEYMANN

By all means Miss Schneider

When we swap the Ruhr

for the Danube

we will of course only be swapping one sewer

for another

SCHNEIDER

I’ve heard

the Danube stinks even more abominably

than the Ruhr

PEYMANN

You’re right about that

the stench of the Danube

is superlatively abominable

To say nothing of the people there

SCHNEIDER

The charm of the Viennese

is world-renowned

PEYMANN

I’ve gotten to know the charm of the Viennese quite well

on my own thank you

Hey why don’t you pack in a pair

of northern German critics

You might as well throw out another pair of actors

And pack in a pair of critics from here

SCHNEIDER inquiringly

And what about the plays

PEYMANN

What sort of plays

SCHNEIDER

Well obviously all the plays

that we were still planning to put on here in Bochum

PEYMANN

Throw them into the dumpster

Into the wastepaper dumpster

SCHNEIDER inquiringly

All of them

PEYMANN

Naturally all of them

SCHNEIDER inquiringly

Even the new one by Bernhard

PEYMANN

Naturally even the new one by Bernhard

Miss Schneider

You’re getting on my nerves

You’re supposed to be packing

and not constantly asking questions

SCHNEIDER

So shall I throw out even the new one by Achternbusch

PEYMANN

Throw all the plays out

I said

all of them

We are after all going to make a completely fresh start in Vienna

SCHNEIDER inquiringly

With what

PEYMANN

Please leave me alone

Miss Schneider

SCHNEIDER inquiringly

With Bernhard

PEYMANN

Definitely not

SCHNEIDER inquiringly

With Shakespeare

PEYMANN

Definitely not

SCHNEIDER

Perhaps with William Tell

PEYMANN

You’re getting on my nerves, Miss Schneider

SCHNEIDER takes out of the suitcases all the plays that she has packed and throws them on to the floor.

PEYMANN rising and contemplating the pile of objects thrown out of the suitcases

A dreadful muddle

Dramaturges plays socks

Actors shirts ideas

it’s nothing short of appalling

How will order ever be established in these suitcases

SCHNEIDER

I warned you didn’t I

I wouldn’t have packed a third as much if it had been up to me

PEYMANN

Fair enough

I’ll leave what we take with us to Vienna

entirely up to you

I’ll leave everything up to you Miss Schneider

But don’t forget

That no matter what I want to take with me

The Battle of Teutoburg Forest

and Nathan the Wise and The Winter’s Tale

and all the other plays I have ever staged in Bochum

and in Stuttgart

no matter what Miss Schneider

I’d rather be without the trousers of my tail suit

As for the actors

we’ll take along only the good ones

leave the bad ones here

the expensive ones we’ll leave here

the modest ones we’ll take

the megalomaniacal ones we’ll leave here

the simple-minded ones we’ll take

As for the dramaturges

we could leave behind all of them but one

but we do need that single dramaturge

he is the mainstay of our existence do you understand Miss Schneider

pack him in tightly very tightly

and don’t stick him in with the underwear

Clutching his head and raising his voice to a shout

Everything that Stuttgart and Bochum have made out of me

would be basically appalling

if it weren’t so abysmally ridiculous at the same time

The director of a playhouse is always

an incorrigible asshole

Christiane Schneider I beseech you

to pack only what is most necessitous

only what is absolutely necessitous

SCHNEIDER

Well then I shan’t pack anything whatsoever

Well then you’ll quite simply go to Vienna just as you are

you’ll quite simply go to Vienna stark naked

PEYMANN

You’re making a fool of me Miss Schneider

Exhausted he sits down at his desk

SCHNEIDER

Travelers always take too much stuff with them

basically you don’t need any dramaturges at all

or any actors

you don’t need anybody at all

not even me

you might as well go to Vienna a completely stark naked individual

that’s the best scheme

PEYMANN

You’re right Miss Schneider

how right you are

I would be the happiest man alive

if I could go stark naked to Vienna

But reality is no joke

So pack everything

that I mentioned to you

Above all a pair of the German critics

who are well-disposed to us

and the colossal applause

that I have always received in Bochum

and above all a top-of-the-line Solingen knife

for pricking these Austrian swine

that I’ve gotten to know quite well on my own

Sharpen this knife over and over again day and night

incessantly for me Miss Schneider

sharpen it

Curtain

Scene II

Vienna, the office of the director of the Burgtheater

Eleven in the morning

PEYMANN to Christiane Schneider, who is unpacking his suitcases

If I had my druthers I wouldn’t even start unpacking

and I’d head straight back to Bochum

SCHNEIDER

That would be a really stupid thing to do

PEYMANN

Of course it would be a stupid thing to do

Director of the Burgtheater

could anything be more idiotic

what kind of a job have I saddled myself with here

The director of the main playhouse in a city

that is nothing but one big engine of intrigue and slander

Every day I hear the saws

sawing away at the branch

on which I have perched myself

in my avian idiocy

But I’ve signed the contract

and I shall get to work

Keep unpacking

unpack every last item

in these suitcases

SCHNEIDER

A pair of actors died of asphyxiation during the trip

Two dramaturges turned moldy during the trip

PEYMANN

There’s nothing we can do about that

theater is after all a lethal process Miss Schneider

SCHNEIDER holding an actor up to the light

This one’s head seems to be half frozen

PEYMANN

I knew that would happen

but we still need him

thaw him gradually outside later on

SCHNEIDER laying the actor on the floor

All the actors are desiccated

PEYMANN

Who cares

I’ll have them up and running soon enough

SCHNEIDER

A pair of the Burg’s repertory actors are waiting outside

PEYMANN

Ah yes

the people it’s now our job to keep busy

I’ve yet to figure out how

Most likely I’ll stuff them all into a big Shakespeare production

of course they’re all just basically old prunes

that could do with a good soak

Schneider whispers something into his ear

Out of all these desiccated mummies

we shall make actors

first human beings

then actors

That I promise you Miss Schneider

Send them to the Landtmann Café

in a one-horse carriage

SCHNEIDER rises, goes to the door, opens it and says to the three actors standing outside

Please go to the Landtmann Café

in a one-horse carriage

PEYMANN after Schneider has returned to unpacking suitcases and said, “They have quite calmly left for the Landtmann”

We shall completely extricate them from their

Burgtheater lethargy

I knew full well

what I was getting myself into

when I signed the contract for the position of Director of the Burgtheater

I know how to instill life

into a flock of sheep

I have learned this in the greatest playhouses in Germany

First we must make human beings out of all these sheep

so that we can make actors out of them

Until now all these Burgtheatrical sheep

have been paid for their moronic bleating

that’s all over now

Day after day and year after year they’ve been

lounging about the Burgtheatrical pasture

that’s all history now

After their one-horse carriage trip to the Landtmann

they’ll all be receiving a mild electric shock in the buttocks

that will make them come to life for the first time ever

they’ll get an artificial prick in the buttocks so to speak

before they rehearse for me for the first time

SCHNEIDER after suddenly crying out and holding a corpse up to the light

The dramaturge’s stone dead!

PEYMANN quite calm and composed

That’s all to the good Miss Schneider

lay him alongside the others

You find this every bit as distasteful as I do

this Burgtheater place is certainly gruesome enough

Everybody who has ever gone into it

has had his head removed in his dressing room

sitting down at his desk and writing a letter while Miss Schneider returns to unpacking

We have signed the contract

now we must suffer the consequences

suffer them Miss Schneider suffer them

SCHNEIDER

The actors have suffered a great deal of damage

in consequence of their displacement

PEYMANN

As was foreseeable

As was completely natural Miss Schneider

SCHNEIDER

The dramaturges have aged more than ten years

and so have the actors

look

she holds an actor and a dramaturge up to the light

PEYMANN

Exactly as if they’d all become senile

that’s what happens in the course of time

nothing ages faster than an actor or a dramaturge

SCHNEIDER

The displacement from Bochum to Vienna

has been injurious to all of them

PEYMANN

Injurious

injurious

injurious

SCHNEIDER holding a pair of long johns up to the light and sniffing at them

Your underwear Mr. Peymann

has a peculiar smell

on the one hand it still smells of  Bochum

on the other hand it already smells of Vienna

dropping the long johns on to the floor

far be it from me to say that’s it’s a bad smell

Mr. Peymann

PEYMANN

We will of course secure the approval of the public

of that I have no doubt

rising with the letter in hand and moving towards Miss Scheinder

Cabinet ministers in every country are vomit-inducing bacilli

but the most vomit-inducing of all are in the cabinet of the Austrian government

have this letter delivered to the Ministry

I do not expect to receive a reply

I have swotted up on what to expect from idiots

SCHNEIDER takes the letter and makes as if to leave

PEYMANN

I’ve written the whole lesson down on a flashcard

on the Peymann flashcard

SCHNEIDER

Good Lord though how lovely Bochum was

PEYMANN

We are in Vienna Miss Schneider

and will deal with it

either we shall stay a year

or ten years

or we shall go straight back

SCHNEIDER makes as if to leave

PEYMANN

Just a moment Miss Schneider

Before you deliver the letter to the Ministry

send at least twenty of the forty Burg actors

who are now sitting at the Landtmann Café in my one-horse carriage

to the HOME FOR BRAINLESS AND USELESS ARTISTS

and tell the Minister that he can kiss my ass

and tell the press

that they can kiss my ass

and tell the public

that they can basically kiss my ass

SCHNEIDER makes as if to leave

PEYMANN

Just a moment

are you really going to say what I just said to you

of course not

of course not

on the contrary tell the Minister

that I await his reply with the utmost eagerness

and tell the press that I am at their disposal

and tell the public

that I love them

and one more thing Miss Schneider

tell the dramaturges

provided they’re not still completely moldy or desiccated

that I need them like the bread that feeds me

and that the actors are my everything

my everything my everything my everything do you understand

Good Lord Miss Schneider

Where ever have we ended up

Vienna is hell I tell you

The Burgtheater is a tragicomic meat-grinder

If I had my druthers I would creep back to Bochum on all fours

and henceforth pay my exclusive obeisance

to German feeblemindedness

But now we’re stuck in this appalling Austria

And in the most horrible of all horrible cities

namely in Vienna Miss Schneider

where even the most wonderful and most perfect human being

is shorn of his honor as a man condemned to death is shorn of his beard

and can never grow it back

loudly and pathetically

our death-sentence is being carried out

SCHNEIDER is appalled

PEYMANN clapping his hands

Now please go

please go

I am anxious to see what happens next

Curtain

Claus Peymann Buys Himself a Pair of Trousers and Dines with Me

In Vienna

PEYMANN after trying on six pairs of Zegna summer trousers at an upmarket boutique in the Graben and eventually buying the sixth pair and not taking them off, heading at a brisk but not thoughtless pace towards the Plague Column, with his old trousers under one arm

There’s nothing like a nice-fitting pair of trousers

to lighten a person’s mood

don’t you agree Bernhard

ME

Naturally

PEYMANN

On the one hand these nice-fitting trousers

on the other hand Richard the Third in one’s head

these things really lighten one’s mood

but when it actually comes to putting on a play Bernhard

fascinated by his new trousers

Trying things on trying things on trying things on Bernhard

that’s

what exhausts us of course

with trousers it’s the same as with The Winter’s Tale

just as with Leonce and Lena it’s the same as with trousers

trying on trousers naturally exhausts us

trying on Shakespeare in rehearsals exhausts us in exactly the same way

when we try on trousers it’s exhausting in exactly the same way

as when we try on Kleist or Shakespeare

When we have on such a nice-fitting pair of trousers

such a comfortable pair of trousers Bernhard

it’s the same happy feeling

as when we have realized

a nice-fitting Shakespeare play

a nice-fitting Kleist play

a comfortable Schiller play Bernhard

gazing down at his new trousers, having drawn to a halt

these trousers are comfortable even when you’re sitting

Trying a sitting posture on, as it were

Nice aren’t they

fantastically comfortable

nice store isn’t it

After we turn forty

we buy nothing but top-of-the-line

comfortable trousers

resuming a standing posture

Buying trousers has always been a tragedy

I don’t know

is it more horrible to try on Shakespeare

or six pairs of trousers Bernhard

I don’t know

This town seduces people into buying trousers

Tell me Bernhard do I look good in these trousers

or not

his face assuming an inquiring expression

or not

ME

You look fantastic in those trousers

Zegna makes the best trousers

The Italian style suits you best

Your figure is absolutely unsuited

to the English style

Your figure is best suited

to the Italian style Peymann

PEYMANN

Do you really think so

ME

It’s obvious that

in a pair of Zegnas you look your very best

PEYMANN

Years ago I ran around in rags

ME

Before the age of forty you ran around in rags

in the middle of winter in minus twenty two-degree cold

you used to wear nothing but your most frayed pair of blue jeans

and a so-called Coca Cola tank top

right up until you produced Iphigenia at Stuttgart

after Iphigenia you suddenly started dressing very elegantly

You effected this metamorphosis in Paris 

PEYMANN delighted with his new trousers

Seriously Bernhard

I do look great in these trousers

ME

Clothes make the man Peymann

shall I relieve you of your old trousers

PEYMANN

Nah

nahnah

BERNHARD

You know what

we should get something to eat at the Magic Flute

PEYMANN

At the Magic Flute

BERNHARD

The Magic Flute is a bar

where you can eat top-of-the-line food and spend very little

PEYMANN

Well then let’s go there Bernhard

ME

I’ve always hated

buying trousers

PEYMANN

Me too

ME

I’m always assailed by attacks of breathlessness

when trying on trousers

Of course it’s never just one pair of trousers

that we try on

it’s always several

I’ve often tried on seven or eight pairs of trousers

and each and every time I’ve thought

I was having a stroke in the fitting room

PEYMANN

But you haven’t had one

You’re tough Bernhard

I scarcely know anyone who’s tougher

For the past ten or fifteen years

you’ve been saying

you’ve had a stroke

ME

The fitting rooms are too cramped

there’s no air in them

So many people have had strokes

in trouser-fitting rooms

just ask the clothiers’ guild

they’ll confirm it for you

People walk into a boutique

and intend to try on just one pair of trousers

and naturally end up trying on seven or eight

and they have a stroke

the clothing-store fitting-room stroke is the most common of all strokes

PEYMANN

It’s like if I

had been rehearsing The Winter’s Tale for three days and nights

ME

Ask the doctors in the cardiac units

The cardiac death coinciding with the trying on of trousers

is no rare occurrence

If on every gravestone we could read the interred person’s

cause of death

we would at every turn on the gravestones

in every cemetery

read cause of death trying on trousers

if you are honest

you must admit

that trying on trousers like this is more exhausting

than a rehearsal in a theater

a rehearsal in a theater can’t compare to it

People walk into a trouser-store

And plan to buy just one pair of summer trousers

and they try on pair after pair

and they have a stroke

When one is trying on trousers

the utmost circumspection is required

We try out only a pair of light summer trousers

and catch our death

Interestingly death is much more frequent

in gentlemen’s fitting-rooms

than in ladies’ fitting-rooms Peymann

Granted ladies slip into their skirts with great ease

whereas men have to make enormous exertions

On the other hand in such fitting rooms

I’ve actually come up with some of my best ideas

I once got the idea for a novel

I even wrote the novel

In Würzburg of all places

but naturally I immediately rejected

and discarded this novel

I have discarded more novels than I have published

to say nothing of the rest of the prose pieces

that I have written and discarded

and not published

We try on only one pair of trousers

and we outline a novel

or a stage play

A ghastly word that—“stage play”

Mainly the word “stage”

but also the word “play”

and most of all the word “stage play”

Of course I also hate the word “theater”

and the word “actor” I hate like nothing else

Everything having to do with the theater I hate

like nobody’s business

pathetically

I hate the stage

I hate the actors on the stage

I hate the world of the theater

PEYMANN

I can’t say I feel the same

ME

Naturally

You are after all a man of the theater

as they say

But I am not a man of the theater

You love the theater viscerally

and wholeheartedly

you are infatuated with the theater

I hate the theater viscerally

and I abhor it like nobody’s business

I find nothing more repellent

but for that very reason I am at its mercy

I hate the theater

and everything having to do with the theater

and am at its mercy

You are at its mercy thanks to love

I am at its mercy thanks to hate

PEYMANN

The theater is my world

ME

My world it isn’t

PEYMANN

The theater is my passion Bernhard

nothing but the theater

ME

It’s exactly the opposite for me

I abhor the theater

it attracts me

because I abhor it

You love actors

I hate them

You love the public

I hate it

You love the stage

I hate it

Everything that you love

I hate

Everything that you abhor

I love

I love everything

that you abhor

PEYMANN

A good bowl of beef soup Bernhard

that’s what I’m craving now

it’s so hot

we crave a bowl of hot beef soup

Austria is the best country for beef soup

nothing is better in Austria

than the beef soup

In no other country in the world

will you find a better bowl of beef soup Bernhard

ME

But shall I or I shall I not relieve you of your old trousers Peymann

PEYMANN

What are you driving at Bernhard

that I simply lack the strength

to carry my old trousers myself

Do you really think me such a weakling

In the final analysis I am the Director of the Burgtheater

hence I am necessarily more than strong enough

to carry a pair of my old trousers

Walking more quickly along the Kärtnerstrasse towards the opera house

Life as the Director of the Burgtheater

is of course a continual test of one’s strength

hence I am quite undaunted Bernhard

The Burgtheater is a behemoth Bernhard

A behemoth is the Burgtheater

So I don’t see from where you’re getting this idea

that I’m simply incapable of carrying a pair of my old trousers

when I am after all Director of the Burgtheater

Every single day the Director of the Burgtheater

has to carry the entire Burgtheater Bernhard

figuratively speaking Bernhard figuratively

Just try to imagine what it’s like for a second

every single day at the crack of dawn picking up

the entire Burgtheater in its present state Bernhard

this huge Burgtheater brimming over with actors and dramaturges

and hoisting it aloft

and hoisting it ever higher and higher Bernhard

and higher even than the other directors hoist their theaters

the Director of the Burgtheater the Burgtheater

Just try to imagine what it’s like for a second Bernhard

You wake up at the crack of dawn and you know

You must hoist aloft the Burgtheater

and what’s more ever higher and ever farther aloft

and on every occasion in as Director of the Burgtheater hoist the Burgtheater     higher

than all the other directors hoist their theaters

those ridiculous stages Bernhard

those ridiculous stages in Germany and in Switzerland

everywhere those ridiculous European stages

Every day I hoist the Burgtheater so high

as no other director hoists aloft his stage

ME

Well I must say you’re quite a musclemaniac

PEYMANN

What’s that

ME

A musclemaniac is a person

who isn’t half as strong

as he should be

but strains himself more than anybody else

PEYMANN

That’s what a musclemaniac is

ME

Yes that’s what a musclemaniac is

PEYMANN

Austrian concepts

are subversively comical

Practically everything here is

subversively comical

it seems to me that here

almost everything is subversively comical

Austria is the craziest comedy

that I have hitherto taken in

ME

The Austrians fancy that

their fatherland is a tragedy

whereas it’s actually a comedy

PEYMANN

Austria is a comedy

and what sort of comedy

a colossal comedy

like one written by some quintessence of Shakespeare

Nowadays Bernhard I actually often feel as though

Austria is a Shakespearean comedy

that need not be staged

it already exists

the unique ready-made grandiose comedy the craziest comedy of them all

is the Austrian comedy

We have only to start thinking about performers

and they already exist

we have only to start thinking about scenery

and it already exists

you have only to start thinking about incidental music

and it already exists

the craziest comedy of all time

is Austria

no other play in the world can touch this one

and the Austrians themselves have staged

this craziest comedy of all time

Austria is popular theater in its entirety

popular theater in its entirety

No writer could have roped you into writing

this craziest of all comedies

no director could ever have roped me

into staging it

And this Austria qua scenic backdrop

is also the craziest there has ever been

Most likely this Austria is

the unique global comedy the global comedy in its entirety Bernhard

Theater

equals Austria

Actors

equal Austrians

Scenery

equals Austria

Compared with this Austria qua global comedy

you my dear Bernhard are nothing

and I too am nothing compared with it

for you never could have written anything

so powerful anything so one-of-a-kind anything so colossal

and I never could have staged anything

so powerful and one-of-a-kind and colossal

and our dear Karl-Ernst Hermann

never could have built anything

so powerful or anything so one-of-a-kind or anything so colossal

by comparison we are of course nothing but ridiculous pygmies 

You are a literary pygmy Bernhard

I’m a directorial pygmy

Hermann is a stage-architectural pygmy

by comparison with this Austria

Whenever anybody asks me

where the best theater in the world is

I always reply “Austria”

I say “Austria”

whereupon the other person always asks “where in” Austria

and I reply “not in Austria Austria

it’s Austria itself”

I tell everybody go to Austria

and you’ll arrive in the most total theater in the world

buy yourself a good ticket I tell all these people

book yourself a bed at the Imperial or at the Bristol

at the Sacher or at the Ambassador

and enjoy the craziest theater in the world

I tell all these people

who naturally are bewildered by me

I thought say all these people

the craziest theater was wherever

you were working Mr Peymann

and from now on of course you’ll be working at the Burgtheater

so surely from now on the Burgtheater will be

the best theater in the world

No I say nono it’s not me

nor is it the Burgtheater

it’s Austria

Austria is the best theater in the world

thus do I bewilder people Bernhard

thus do I discomfit them

and then people think

that I am mad

They used to count on my megalomania

and are now discovering

that I am nothing but a madman

when I say that Austria is

the best theater in the world

My dear Bernhard

all my life I’ve been

leading people by the nose

just as you all your life have been

leading them by the nose

indeed as Director of the Burgtheater I have a virtual duty

to lead people by the nose

to lead them by the same nose

that I put out of joint

a Director of the Burgtheater is naturally a huge

Leader of other people by the nose

but you know all about it Bernhard

You being the biggest leader of other people by the nose of all

I’m quite content with the idea

that the two of us

You as a writer

and me as Director of the Burgtheater

are leading people by the nose

what is a Director of the Burgtheather there for

other than leading people by the nose

by the Burgtheatrical nose

by this gigantic distended Burgtheatrical nose

Why don’t you write a play Bernhard

in which you lead all the people by the nose

I crave such a play from you

such a play properly about leading other people by the nose

why don’t you just sit down

and write such a play about leading other people by the nose

Great theater Bernhard

crowds galore smuttiness galore megalomania galore

Criminality contemptibility indigestibility galore

a proper Burgtheatrical theater

a great all-destroying comedy properly about leading other people by the nose

why don’t you for once bring your global nausea on to the stage

the entirety of your global nausea

not just a semiglobe of your global nausea but the entire globe of your global nausea

you must write a play Bernhard

fit to tear the Burgtheater asunder

a proper grandiose global joke

fit to explode the Burgtheater

fit to make the entire city of Vienna tremble

you know full well what I mean

of course you know full well what I’ve always hoped to obtain from you

this totally and completely world-overthrowing comedy for everybody

this monster comedy to top all comedies you know full well what I’m referring to

Bernhard

you must write something

that casts a shadow over

everything else

you must quite simply write world literature in its entirety down

you must quite simply write it into the earth and into the ground

you must make a last-ditch effort at writing a hole into the world’s guts

you must write a proper world-hammer Bernhard

ME

having followed Claus Peymann to the Ringstrasse and back to the Kärtnerstrasse without actually managing to keep up with him

But don’t you want me

to carry your old trousers

PEYMANN

What are you driving at Bernhard

you’re forgetting that I’m at the height of my powers

having drawn to a halt

you have absolutely no idea Bernhard

how happy I feel in my new trousers

it behooves a new director of the Burgtheater

to wear a new pair of trousers

don’t you agree Bernhard don’t you agree

ME

Naturally naturally

PEYMANN

It’s too bad that one cannot without further ado

buy oneself a new head Bernhard

I’d gladly in the blink of an eye walk into a store with you

and buy myself a new head

after all throughout our lives we run around

with nothing but a worn-out or rather with a used-up head

with a head that’s gone shabby Bernhard

everybody is sporting a shabby head

every head that we see is a used-up head

I myself naturally have a completely used-up head

no sooner do we have a head

than we have an already used-up head

the world has nothing but thoroughly used-up heads

But wouldn’t it be the craziest thing Bernhard

if we could walk into a boutique now

and could buy ourselves new heads

and then you would be sporting a new one

and I would be carrying your old used-up one in a plastic bag

and I would be sporting a new one too

and you would be carrying my old head in a plastic bag

and we would be walking with new heads on our shoulders

to dinner at the Magic Flute

and would have our old heads in plastic bags

But sometimes of course it’s really enough

for us to buy a new pair of trousers Bernhard

of course it doesn’t have to be a new head

or a new hat

and we carry along the old one in a plastic bag

Ah Bernhard what haven’t I promised myself from you as a dramatist

But I haven’t given up hope

I often say to myself when I wake up in the middle of the night

he’s simply got to write the play I’m waiting for

I have never given up hope

PEYMANN enters the Magic Flute with me, and we sit down, then, after he has studied the menu and selected something from it and taken a look around the Magic Flute

Who is that guy anyway

ME

The vice-chancellor

a Nazi

PEYMANN

And that guy

ME

The minister of agriculture

an old Nazi

PEYMANN

And that guy over there

ME
The defense minister

a Nazi

PEYMANN

And that guy

ME
The foreign minister

an old Nazi

PEYMANN

And that guy over there

ME

The president of the court of audit

an old Nazi

PEYMANN

And that guy

ME

The editor-in-chief of the most highly respected newspaper in Vienna

an old Nazi

PEYMANN

And what about that guy

ME

The editor-in-chief of the second-most highly respected newspaper in Vienna

an old Nazi

   

PEYMANN

And that guy over there

ME

That’s the minister of art and culture

an imbecile an idiot

PEYMANN

And what about that guy

ME

That’s the chancellor

an imbecile

PEYMANN

And that guy

ME

That’s the newly elected president of the republic

an old Nazi

PEYMANN

And those guys over there

ME

They’re thoroughpaced Nazis

PEYMANN

And the rest of them

ME

They’re all thoroughpaced imbeciles and Nazis

PEYMANN

And the waitress

ME
She is a Catholic and knows everybody and doesn’t know a thing about anything

PEYMANN

Well then why don’t we go ahead and order some beef soup

ME

Sure why not

PEYMANN

What do you recommend here anyway Bernhard

ME

The boiled beef

PEYMANN

Then we’ll just have boiled beef  

to the waitress

Just some beef soup with liver dumplings

followed by boiled beef with horseradish porridge

and then ehh why not for dessert

some bread pudding with cream sauce

tucking his napkin into his collar

A crazy town Bernhard

A crazy country Bernhard

Austria is ripe for hammering Bernhard

Stretching out his legs before eating his first spoonful of soup 

and at an exclamatory volume suggestive of having just made a happy discovery

Here practically nothing surprises me Bernhard

absolutely nothing absolutely nothing

laps up his soup, first slowly, then quickly

Curtain

Claus Peymann and Hermann Beil on the Sulzwiese

After the First Year at the Burg

Strains of Schubert are playing in the distance

The director of the Burgtheater, PEYMANN, is sitting under a lime-tree in full flower and biting into a large cold Wiener schnitzel.  His co-director, the dramaturge BEIL, is sitting beside him and unwrapping and biting into an even larger cold Wiener schnitzel

Not a leaf is stirring

BEIL is gazing across the Danube at Slovakia

PEYMANN having taken a second bite from his Wiener schnitzel

The crux of the matter is The Tempest

BEIL having taken a second bite from his Wiener schnitzel

Naturally

PEYMANN

Stop saying “naturally” all the time Beil

There’s nothing natural about it

The Tempest is the most unnatural thing imaginable

all of Shakespeare is unnatural

suddenly losing his temper

and The Tempest is the most unnatural of all of Shakespeare’s plays

It’s all artificial

all of Shakespeare is artificial

taking a bite from his schnitzel 

If I had my druthers I’d stage all of Shakespeare at once

and present him in a single evening

a single insane Shakespearean concentrate Beil

why not a total Shakespearean concentrate

in which we’ll smash together all of Shakespeare’s plays

into a single play do you understand Beil

make all of Shakespeare’s plays into a single play do you understand

smash together all the characters in all of Shakespeare into a single evening

and make all of Shakespeare’s settings into a single Shakespearean setting

that would be one crazy evening of theater don’t you think Beil

The Tempest, Hamlet, Richard III and II.  The Winter’s Tale, Macbeth, etc.

BEIL taking a bite from his schnitzel and a sip of Gumpoldskirchner wine from a flask that he has brought along, then

That’s what you have in mind

PEYMANN

Yes that’s what I have in mind

what I’ve just described to you

is no demented fantasy

it’s the most serious of all my plans

all of Shakespeare in a single evening

and we’ll also present the sonnets

the true drama lies in the sonnets

The Tempest and Hamlet simultaneously

and the whole thing lasting no longer than five hours

that would be a zenith Beil

But you think it’s an absurdity

Don’t you think it’s an absurdity

all of Shakespeare in a single evening

of course we have the technical means for it

what are we saving such a gigantic technical apparatus for

taking a bite from his schnitzel

The theater is an unparalleled dead end

to it repair all the people

who have been looking for an exit all their lives

the theater has no exit

unless

BEIL

Unless

PEYMANN

Unless we present all of Shakespeare

in a single evening

for that we’ll certainly need one thousand eight hundred forty-three characters

and naturally only the most eminent actors

as performers Beil

but with exactly as many sets of scenery as plays

constructed in such a way as to interlock Beil interlock

and we’ll act this Shakespeare in all the languages

in which Shakespeare has ever been acted

and in a Viennese and in a Styrian version

and don’t forget that Shakespeare

has even been acted in Greenland

and in the Kirghiz dialect

and in the Tyrol Beil

takes a bite out of his schnitzel

If only I were still capable of astonishing the world

astonishing astonishing astonishing that’s the thing

the theater’s walking in place walking in place walking in place

we must without a doubt make something out of the Burgtheater

something that until now has never been made out of the Burgtheater

Bernhard thinks the Burgtheater deserves to close next Ash Wednesday

and to be sealed up for ever with concrete

as ceremoniously as possible

on the following Maundy Thursday

with all the actors, directors, and dramaturges on its payroll inside

Bernhard thinks that the Burgtheater deserves to be

“starved out”

in the most endearing Austrian fashion

without saying as much he has intimated

that the Burgtheater might as well be packed up

and sent to Mongolia by overnight mail

with the postage to be paid for by the sender naturally

he has also said that he could easily imagine himself

single-handedly and without the assistance of another party

pounding the Burgtheater

into the ground and the earth

with an entirely ordinary twelve-headed pickaxe

that it’s long since ceased to be anything but stinking pile of rubbish

on which the Burgtheater’s actors lugubriously crawl around stark naked

while reciting Shakespeare and Nestroy

in such an incredibly dilettantish fashion

that sooner or later they’ll get

on everybody’s nerves so much

that they’ll be forced by a fiat

of the psychiatrists’ association to enroll

in an elementary speech course

from which in virtue of their incompetence

they’ll never be allowed to graduate

he can also imagine

the Burgtheater’s being transformed in the blink of an eye

into a state-run mental hospital

“for certified incurables.”

Thus overnight would come into being

the sole mental hospital on the Ringstrasse

opposite the Rathaus

and the director of this mental hospital

in which nobody can be cured

would be Zilk the mayor of Vienna

who as everybody of course knows

resides directly opposite the Burgtheater

The mayor of Vienna would quite simply be appointed

director of the sole official state fake

mental hospital on the Vienna Ringstrasse

the whole thing would be quite simple

Of course it would also be quite simple to let the Burgtheater

in its present state serve as a theater museum and instead of actors put

wax dummies on the stage

and wax dummies in the auditorium

and every two hours the curtain would rise

and the wax dummies on the stage would bow

and the wax dummies in the auditorium would clap

and then the curtain would fall

he takes a bite from his schnitzel

according to Bernhard that would be the ideal theater

Bernhard has also said that more than anything else

the Burgtheater would make an especially fine

Coffee-roasting house

and that the State should make an offer

to the Julius Meinl Corporation

of course I also see the Burg as a kind of coffee-roasting house

on account of its two coffee roasting house-esque chimneys

but don’t pay any attention to Bernhard Beil

don’t pay any attention to him

to that arrogant bugbear of the theater

We need Shakespeare

as he has never before been presented Beil

as I just described him Beil

as I actually have him in mind

as I am going to make him Beil

are you listening to me Beil

are you listening to me

BEIL having just taken a bite from his schnitzel

Naturally

PEYMANN

You’re constantly assailing me with that

“naturally” of yours

if only you would just once say “artificially”

“artificially” Beil “artificially” Beil “artificially”

after all everything in the world is “artificial” Beil

“artificial” “artificial” Beil “artificial”

when you’re constantly saying “naturally”

it drives me mad

out of urgent necessity I have climbed to the top of the Sulzwiese

to discuss The Tempest

and you assail me with that “naturally” of yours

my whole coterie assails me with that word “naturally”

everybody around me is continually saying “naturally”

when they should in contrast be saying nothing but “artificially” the whole time

taking a bite from his schnitzel

Did I really have to climb all the way to the top of the Sulzwiese

just to be allowed to eat my schnitzel

and to hear you say nothing but “naturally”

For God’s sake Beil

say “artificially” at least just one time

and by all means say it a million times a day

but stop saying “naturally”

there is no such thing as anything natural anymore

and least of all in Vienna

I’ve been wanting to stage The Tempest

and I’m going to stage all of Shakespeare

all of Shakespeare

this will tax the limits of dramaturgy Beil

this will tax the limits of dramaturgy

Dramaturgy is decidedly inadequate to the kind of theater

that I have in mind

it is inadequate to the theater that I intend to produce

for such a production I find dramaturgy “per se” too simple

which is just a nicer way of saying

that for such a production I find it too stupid

for such a production I find all living dramaturges too stupid

taking a bite from his schnitzel

When I see the way you take a bite from your schnitzel

I think to myself

he’s not a good fit for all of Shakespeare

he’s really not a good fit for all of Shakespeare

for a single Shakespeare play sure for The Tempest sure

by all means even for Macbeth

but not for all of Shakespeare

taking a bite from his schnitzel

Shakespeare as he has hitherto always been staged

can no longer be staged

nowadays everywhere Shakespeare is staged

as he can no longer be staged

To be sure the only theater left in the world is run by megalomaniacal hacks

Hack dramaturges hack directors hack actors

If theater can still be staged anywhere

to be sure only the theater I intend to stage

can be staged

to be sure everything that’s done on stage nowadays is enough to make you puke

especially everything that’s done on stage with Shakespeare

to be sure for decades now nothing

but old hats have been put on in the theaters

to be sure this is an unbearable situation Beil

this unbearable situation must be done away with

You understand me don’t you Beil

don’t you understand me Beil

BEIL

Having taken a bite from his schnitzel while shuddering out of fear of ticks, because he knows that on the Sulzwiese there are a million ticks from whose bite one can catch meningitis

Naturally

Naturally I understand you

PEYMANN having become disillusioned with BEIL and having finally helped himself to the flask of Gumpoldskirschner wine

We have merely the possibility

of staging a form of theater

that has hitherto never existed

his whole life said Bernhard

he has been thinking about this

about how to stage a form of theater

that has hitherto never existed

I myself have been thinking all year

about how to stage a form of theater

that has hitherto never existed

BEIL gazing at Vienna and taking a bite from his schnitzel

It’s a horrible idea of course Peymann

PEYMANN

There’s nothing horrible about it now

that I know exactly

what I have to do

the role I have to play

the role I have to play

is quite clear to me

all of Shakespeare the whole of Shakespeare

in one evening

in five hours

the entire global theater hence the entirety of Shakespeare

in a single five-hour concentrate

his head sinks on to his breast, all but the last bite of his schnitzel

has been devoured by now

after raising his head

I think I’ve got it now

BEIL

What

PEYMANN

The idea the act

BEIL

What sort of idea what sort of act

PEYMANN

My theater

my Shakespeare

my future

my goal

do you understand me Beil my goal

my total theater

BEIL after he has finished eating his schnitzel

An excellent schnitzel

PEYMANN after he has finished eating his schnitzel

I shall present all of Shakespeare

in one evening

in a production lasting no longer than

five hours

with the best actors in the world

with the best scenery in the world

with the best audience in the world

at the Burgtheater obviously

BEIL

Naturally at the Burgtheater

where else

PEYMANN

Where else where else where else

BEIL rises and gazes down at Vienna

PEYMANN

We’ll never find a city as beautiful as this again

did you hear that Beil

never again

nor such a good audience either

are you listening Beil are you listening

BEIL

Naturally I’m listening to you

PEYMANN

Come on

let’s start heading down to the city

starts heading down to the city

BEIL follows him after picking up the papers in which the schnitzels were wrapped and stuffing them into his trouser pockets

PEYMANN at the altitude of the Krapfenwaldbad

To be honest Beil

during the whole year that we have been in Vienna

I have not slept a single night

BEIL
Me either

PEYMANN

How long a human being can endure such insomnia

I do not know

As far as I’m concerned I’ve broken a record

BEIL

Me too

PEYMANN

It seems to me that where other people

are nice the Viennese

are nasty

and where other people are nasty

they are nice

We still haven’t quite got that out here my dear Beil

Tonight I dreamt

that Chancellor Vranitzky lunged at me

and strangled me

and that the culture minister Frau Havlicek hit me over the head with a fist

like a bricklayer’s

and that Mayor Zilk kicked me

before I lost consciousness

the Burg actors laughed me to scorn

And you my dear Beil

closed my eyes

closed my eyes Beil

and shut my mouth

You closed my mouth in a quite frankly brutal fashion

Throughout the past year I’ve been dreaming

that I am being killed

the Viennese approach me from behind

and kill me

they say my name and kill me

they lie in wait for me on all sides

and hit me over the head

they aim a kick at me from every conceivable angle

and hit me over the head

Chancellor Vranitzky receives me

it’s a trap

Frau Havlicek the Minister of Culture receives me

it’s a trap

into which I have actually stepped

I have stepped into a trap

I have come to Austria

and have stepped into a trap

I have come to Vienna

and have stepped into a trap

I have stepped into the Burgtheater

Don’t you ever dream such dreams Beil

aren’t the Viennese killing you as well

BEIL after polishing his spectacles and humming the “Trout” quintet

Naturally

PEYMANN

What do you mean by naturally

naturally

or naturally not

yes naturally

or no naturally

good Lord Beil you’re forever talking in that dramaturgical patois of yours

please just talk to me like a normal person for once

Do you have such dreams or don’t you

is anybody ever killing you in your dreams

can you actually sleep peacefully

as if this Viennese hell is no concern of yours

BEIL

After putting on his glasses and looking for the Burgtheater in the distance

My dear Peymann

I dream much more horrible dreams than you do

I am pursued in the night by whole

hordes of writers and actors

armies of writing and acting dilettantes

armies of mental defectives

Because we have always had only the highest standards in our heads

and because we came to Vienna with these highest standards

I wake up every night screaming in terror

PEYMANN inquiringly

Screaming in terror

BEIL

Every night I accept new plays

I accept eight or nine new plays

we’d have to stage twelve plays every evening

if we wanted to put on all the plays

that I have accepted during the night

PEYMANN

Literally

BEIL

I have auditioned eight thousand actors

and hired forty-two hundred

PEYMANN

Literally

BEIL

For Richard III I have purchased forty-six pieces of scenery

from twenty-one set designers

PEYMANN

That’s really appalling

BEIL

On a whim I have closed the Burgtheater for fourteen days in winter

and leased it to a kennel club from Floridsdorf

I have asked the actors

all the Burg actors

to put a muzzle on your face

and while you’re wearing this muzzle to goad you across the Kärtnerstrasse and into the             Graben

PEYMANN

Literally

BEIL

I have served you a bowl of pea soup

that was poisoned

you lapped it up

but you didn’t die

I have forced you to let a monkey play Egmont

I have sold you the Burgtheater for three schillings eighty groschen

because I thought it belonged to me

I have climbed the pyramids of Giza with the Burg actors

and sent you a postcard from Giza

I have stirred around inside the Burgtheater as though it were a stockpot

I have cast Richard III entirely differently than you

I have cast all the plays that we perform at the Burgtheater

entirely differently

you have walked up to the edge of an abyss

and I have cried out, “watch your step, Peymann”

but you kept walking

and didn’t fall in

just like Christ you kept walking

you could walk on air

Good Lord just once I showed you my teeth

and you boxed my ears for doing so

on one occasion there were proper dramaturges on the stage

and in the dramaturgy proper actors

on one occasion I lunged at you and strangled you

you quite enjoyed it

not once did you point me in the right direction

“I’m not budging from this spot”

you on one occasion pathetically cried out from the stage of the Burgtheater

“I’ll die here”

which prompted me to say the world “repulsive” several times

which left you absolutely unmoved

“You’re shameless, Herr Peymann,” I on one occasion screamed at your face

“You’re megalomaniacal”

“You’re a theatrical abortion”

Whereupon you called me an “intellectual hack”

and ordered me

to fling Bernhard’s new play straight at his head

PEYMANN

Literally

BEIL

You have absolutely no idea

of the kind of person you are in my dreams

PEYMANN

And you have no idea of the kind of person you are

in my dreams

BEIL

“Wherever you go I’ll go

until you self-destruct, Peymann,”

I have exclaimed from the stage-box

during a rehearsal of Richard

“In the end it’s really nothing but a theater of complaisance,”

I have said to you

a dramatic perversity

a confused stage nightmare

on one occasion you threw your bread and butter to the ground

and I picked it up

but I know why I picked it up

“brilliance brilliance brilliance” you always said to me

but I didn’t listen

I have made such extensive cuts in all the plays

that there was eventually nothing left of them

I cut out the entirety of the world’s dramatic literature

and you only laughed at my cuts

scornfully you laughed at them

I shall never forget that laugh

PEYMANN

The culture minister Frau Havlicek

has split my head open with a pickaxe

and Mayor Zilk has kicked me

and simultaneously driven a stiletto into my back

and the Burg actors

my own Burg actors have laughed me to scorn

the day before yesterday I dreamt

that I was running the gauntlet through the city center

of Vienna Beil

but while wearing my underpants from Bochum

The Viennese whipped me into a frenzy on the Graben

I fled into the Kärtnerstrasse

there they laid into me even more ruthlessly

“I’m only human too after all”

“I’m only human too after all” I cried out in despair

this made no impression on them

I cowered beneath their blows

and eventually escaped into the Maltese Church

wherever I went the Viennese shouted me down

“I won’t ever go back to Bochum again

I won’t ever go back to Bochum again,” I whined

then they plunged knives into my back

“I am the Minister for Finance,” one of them intoned pathetically

and drove his knife into my back

my dear Beil

as you can see I have dreams of my own

but there is absolutely no comparison

between your dreams and mine

The dreams of a director are most certainly not the dreams of a dramaturge

looks back at the Sulzwiese

Once a week at the Sulzwiese Beil

under the lime-tree

for our deliverance

for our existential deliverance

We underestimated the Viennese

they are much nastier and more spiteful than we thought

but they also have a much keener understanding of art than we thought

we always used to think they had no understanding of art at all

and were not so spiteful and nasty

they have a keen understanding of art

and are the most spiteful and the nastiest people in the world

Of all the things in the world

I never thought I’d be working in the Viennese theater

Did you ever think you’d be working in the Viennese theater either

BEIL

No

PEYMANN

Now we’ve stepped into the trap

into the trap of our lives into our existential trap

they start walking more quickly

PEYMANN

The dramaturge blames the director

the director blames the dramaturges

they are walking so fast that they are almost out of breath

But as we’re now in the trap

in the Burgtheatrical trap

we have no choice but to make the best of it

“All of Shakespeare in a single evening” Beil

remember that

take me at my word

and the sonnets as a centerpiece Beil

as a centerpiece

what’s more we’ve coped with every conceivable situation

and we’ll cope with the Viennese too my dear Beil

you closed my eyes

closed them like a top-of-the-line dramaturge Beil

My name appeared on a cenotaph in the central cemetery

I could do nothing about it

what’s more before that I became a professor and a privy councilor

and the honorary president of the Viennese allotment holder’s association

and there was nothing I could do about it

and I attended the Opera Ball

and I was at a tavern with the National Socialist president of the republic

I acted for the Philippine Refugee Children

and for Catholic Charities

and I also acted for the Socialist Friends of the Children

and I bought myself a manor house in Döbling

and there was nothing I could do about it

and finally I even had myself appointed

as an honorary member of the Burgtheater

and there was nothing I could do about it

and I had hired the daughter of the president of the industrialists’ association

and there was nothing I could do about it

and the Austrian press wouldn't stop singing my praises

and there was nothing I could do about it

at my funeral were the president of the republic

who had ridden to the cemetery on horseback dressed in his complete Wehrmacht        uniform

and nobody else

only the critics dressed as gravediggers were there

and the Wehrmacht uniform-clad president of the republic

mounted on his Macedonian horse

but in the newspapers it is reported that

“all Vienna” was at my graveside

suddenly in an agitated voice, after getting a violent craving for a demitasse of black coffee

A director is an aberration

A German director in Austria

is a total aberration

pressing on in great haste down towards Grinzig, leaving Beil behind and crying out in an agitated voice      

A director is literally an aberration

altogether the theater is the acme of nonsensicality

don’t you think Beil

shouting down into the Grinziger valley

If I didn’t have you

and The Tempest

sighing after a pause

The Tempest alone is not enough

Richard and The Tempest are not enough

it’s all false all annoying

a falsification of Shakespeare a falsification of Shakespeare

it has to be “the entirety of Shakespeare” Beil

“the complete Shakespeare in one evening”

the sonnets must be fitted in too

Sonnet-worthy dramaturgy Beil sonnet-worthy dramaturgy do you understand

the sonnets are the centerpiece the hub

everything everything everything

do you think you’re up to that Beil

Beil Beil

BEIL after looking for and finding a coffee house for a demitasse of black coffee

Naturally

PEYMANN

exhaustedly meditatively

Naturally

They enter the coffeehouse and drink a demitasse of black coffee and then head straight to the Burgtheater, where this evening Hamlet will be performed by itself as it has been for decades, and the complete Shakespeare all at once in its entirety will not be  

THE END

Translation unauthorized but ©2012 by Douglas Robertson

Source: Claus Peymann kauft sich eine Hose und geht mit mir essen.  Drei dramolette (Frankfurt: Suhrkamp, 1993).