(For a PDF version of this translation, go to The Worldview Annex.)
…which isn’t to say
that one must imitate life
in the theater…
[Ce qui ne veut pas dire qu’il faut faire de la vie au théâtre.]
Antonin Artaud
Dramatis Personae
KANT
KANT’S WIFE
ERNST LUDWIG
FRIEDRICH, a parrot
THE MILLIONAIRESS
THE CAPTAIN
THE ADMIRAL
THE ART COLLECTOR
THE STEWARD
THE ART COLLECTOR
THE STEWARD
THE SUBSTEWARD
THE COOK
THE SHIP’S OFFICERS
SAILORS
PASSENGERS
DOCTORS
MALE NURSES
MUSICIANS
On the High Seas
Foredeck
Two folding-chairs, six
non-folding chairs
The steward is standing
behind the right folding-chair and saluting
Enter Kant and his
wife, followed by Ernst Ludwig (carrying the covered cage containing Friedrich
in his right hand, and a bag of birdseed in his left)
Steam-whistles sound
STEWARD springing to
attention
Good morning, Professor
Kant
Kant steps in front of
him, appraises the folding-chair
Wind west-
northwest
Professor Kant
MRS KANT
It’s cool today
to the steward
today you must cover up my
husband
especially well
STEWARD
Wind west-northwest
Excellent weather
conditions
excellent Professor
steam-whistles sound
Mrs Kant
I have personally
consulted the chief meteorologist
turning to Kant
on your instructions
Professor Kant
KANT
All possible gradations
of eccentricity
from those of planets
to those of comets
MRS KANT
Last night my husband
requested
a second blanket
but nobody brought him
a second blanket
He has suffered since his
sixth year
Steam-whistles sound
from a tendency to catch
colds
KANT
Nature works here
as it does
elsewhere
through
imperceptible stages*
imperceptible
the steward and Mrs Kant
adjust Kant’s folding-chair
steam-whistles sound
Kant observing the two
of them
I am talking about the
precisely circular motion
of the elementary
particle
albeit about the
purposelessness
of nature
ladies and gentlemen
suddenly, while Mrs Kant
and the steward are adjusting Kant’s folding-chair, to Ernst Ludwig
Don’t remove the cover
abruptly
don’t do it abruptly
Friedrich’s eyesight
is priceless
So-called scribes
and parrots
have the most sensitive
eyesight
The true philosopher
in himself
Slowly
quite slowly
only little by little
should you remove his
cover
peremptorily
Set him down
Ernst Ludwig makes as
if to set the cage down in a non-folding chair
Not there
not in that chair
in the chair next to my chair
Friedrich in the closest
proximity
points with his cane at
the non-folding chair next to his folding-chair
put him there
FRIEDRICH
There there
KANT
Naturally there
Ernst Ludwig sets the
cage down in the non-folding chair next to
Kant’s folding-chair
MRS KANT
Such an intelligent
such a supremely
philosophical animal
KANT
Psittacus erithacus
the philosopher in himself
of himself
FRIEDRICH
Psittacus erithacus
MRS KANT
He looked quite listless
this morning
but then my husband said
his name
My husband said Friedrich
Friedrich Friedrich
KANT
Friedrich
FRIEDRICH
Imperative imperative
imperative
Ernst Ludwig makes as
if to tug at the cover of the cage
KANT striking him on
the finger with his cane
No not
like that
Cautiously
little by little
FRIEDRICH
Little by little
cautiously
KANT
Everybody’s making such
oafish hand-gestures
and disturbing
and frightening him
MRS KANT to Kant
Aren’t you going to sit
down
KANT as if he has not
heard her
Specifically
with a gentleness of touch
sensitively
tugs gently at the
cover of the cage
to Ernst Ludwig
circumspectly
tug at the cover
extremely circumspectly
only little by little
can the light
penetrate the cage
Psittacus erithacus
is the most sensitive of
species
MRS KANT to Ernst
Ludwig in an accusing tone
Ernst Ludwig
you’ve been with us fully
twenty-five years now
and you still don’t know
how to
take the cover off the
cage
Ernst Ludwig joins Kant
in tugging at the cover of the cage
KANT
Like this
little by little
Ernst Ludwig starts
tugging slightly faster
Kant strikes him on the
finger
Slowly I say
The two of them tug at
the cover
Kant suddenly
Not yet
not yet
MRS KANT to Kant
Do sit down
KANT steps up to his
folding-chair
The further
the dispersed parts
of the original material
are from the sun
the weaker the force
that induces them to sink down
sits down in the
folding-chair
Oh no
tries to stand back up
but is unable to do so on his own
Mrs Kant and the steward
help him
Sometimes it seems to me
that
I hear downright poorly
On the other hand
the more poorly I see
the better I hear
A one-of-a-kind race
for eyesight
my one and only hope
to the steward
Everything in order
steam-whistles sound
on the high seas
STEWARD springing to
attention
Everything in order
on the high seas
KANT sits back down,
and his folding-chair is adjusted, then
I must
have the ideal line
licks his right index
finger and holds it high in the air
West-northwest
ideal line
STEWARD springing to
attention
West-northwest
ideal line
FRIEDRICH
Ideal line ideal line
MRS KANT to Ernst
Ludwig
Pull Friedrich
up here right next to my
husband
Ernst Ludwig pulls
Friedrich up right next to Kant
Now that Friedrich is up
here right next to him
my husband will find the
ideal line
KANT as if searching
for the ideal line, with outstretched arms
The ideal line
Now I have the ideal line
FRIEDRICH
Imperative imperative
imperative
KANT leaning back
Back
to the origins of the
celestial bodies
into the primeval matter
My name is Leibniz he said
Down
into the fundus of history
Possibly
the constriction of the
pupil
is traceable to
overexertion
The steward swathes
Kant’s upper body and lower body in two blankets each
The view
of the causes
suddenly
is awarding me an honorary
doctorate
awarding
to the Steward
There are no better
ophthalmologists
than the ophthalmologists
of Columbia University
It is no accident that I
have received
an invitation from the
very university
that has the best
ophthalmologists in the world
Kant will not lose his
eyesight
Between one and two in the
morning
my wife reads to me
my new Estimation of the Vital
Forces
An absurdity
on the high seas
but by means of it I am
better able to put up with the turbines
This hour of reading has
become absolutely essential
Laws have no bearing
on any instances of motion
in the absence of a
consideration of their velocity
exclaims
Eccentric
Luxury fanatic
suddenly
It is so deep
much too deep
The steward and Mrs Kant
adjust Kant’s folding-chair
Eccentricity
is the most aristocratic
of distinguishing traits
among comets
tugs slowly at the
cover of the cage to the astonishment
of Ernst Ludwig
Psittacus erithacus
inspects Friedrich
Everything in order
KANT to Friedrich
The proceedings have
commenced
FRIEDRICH
The proceedings have
commenced
KANT to Ernst Ludwig
Sit down
you blockhead
to Mrs Kant
Do sit down my dear
with the assistance of
Ernst Ludwig suddenly covers Friedrich
back up, licking his
right index finger and
holding it up
West-northwest
Full speed ahead
STEWARD springing to
attention
West-northwest
full speed ahead
Mrs Kant and Ernst
Ludwig sit down
KANT
Jupiter
Mars
Mercury
Central force
Ernst Ludwig stands up
and adjusts the cover of the cage and sits back down
Eccentricity
because the sun’s axial rotation
does not yet by a long way
equal Mercury’s velocity,
cocks an ear towards
Friedrich
FRIEDRICH
Does not yet
by a long way
equal
KANT
Approximate
orbital velocity
Heat
to Mrs Kant
You should not have eaten
the stew yesterday evening
to Ernst Ludwig
The conscience of the
world
is dead in you
conclusively dead
MRS KANT
Ernst Ludwig’s sister
is dead
writes her husband
KANT to Ernst Ludwig
Be of good cheer
on the high seas
no possibility
of attending a funeral
How old was your sister
ERNST LUDWIG
Thirty-seven
KANT
Thirty-seven
As old as a cat’s tongue
is long
as old as a cat’s tongue
is long
cocks an ear towards
Friedrich
FRIEDRICH
As old as a cat’s tongue
is long
as old as a cat’s tongue
is long
Mrs Kant beckons the
steward over to her side and whispers something in his ear
KANT simultaneously to
Friedrich
Demons
which are according to
nature
The resistance of all
parts
the particle of the original
material
West-northwest
FRIEDRICH
West-northwest
MRS KANT to the steward
Bring us the menu
The steward makes as if
to leave
Mrs Kant calls him back
Listen steward
The steward turns back
to Mrs Kant
Mrs Kant while Kant
whispers something to Friedrich
My husband would like some
tripe
Tripe
do you understand
whispers something into
the steward’s ear
KANT, diverted once
again by Friedrich, and gazing out at the ocean, speaks at the same time as his
wife
A person who has gone
blind
always hears more
excellently
FRIEDRICH
More excellently more
excellently
KANT
Leibniz
my name is Leibniz
said Leibniz
Exit steward
MRS KANT
This evening
there’s going to be an
engagement party on board
KANT
An engagement party
MRS KANT
The millionairess
is treating the betrothed
to a marzipan torte
that is three meters in
diameter
KANT
I have the ideal line
MRS KANT
Three meters in diameter
exactly one hundred seventy-six
centimeters tall
like the groom-to-be
do you know who the
groom-to-be is
KANT
The optical illusion
of the nineteen comets is deceptive
FRIEDRICH
Deceptive
MRS KANT
The mineral collector from
Gelsenkirchen
is the groom-to-be
And do you know
who she is
FRIEDRICH
A baroness from Clairvaux
from Clairvaux
KANT
The specific density
of the stuff
is always the same
MRS KANT
The millionairess is
traveling
to America for the third time
she has been working on
raising the Titanic
for twenty years
Her grandmother
went down with the Titanic
and with her grandmother
sank
all the family jewels
The millionairess is from Ludwigsburg
FRIEDRICH
KANT inquiringly
From Ludwigsburg
MRS KANT
Coal coke metal
KANT to Friedrich
Psittacus erithacus
FRIEDRICH
Psittacus erithacus
MRS KANT
She makes linocuts
she has even once produced
an exhibition of her
linocuts in America
KANT
The optical illusion
of the nineteen comets is
deceptive
MRS KANT
She says
she knows you
Moreover the captain has
read
your Eccentricity of the
Planetary Orbits
On the last evening
before our arrival in America
we shall be his guests
at the Chinese lantern party
at his dinner table
along with the cardinal
and the admiral
and with Friedrich
naturally
and Ernst Ludwig naturally
KANT
And Ernst Ludwig naturally
Enter the steward, who
gives Mrs Kant the menu
Kant suddenly, sitting
up
That is too deep
much too deep
Steam-whistles sound
I must have the ideal line
The steward adjusts
Kant’s folding-chair
Kant loses patience
with Ernst Ludwig and strikes him with his cane on
the knee
Why are you sitting there
and gaping like that
help the steward
FRIEDRICH
Help the steward help the
steward
Ernst Ludwig leaps up
and helps the steward
KANT
Do you think
I pay you to do nothing
Ernst Ludwig has fallen
to his knees before Kant and is swathing Kant’s feet in the blankets
Kant is holding his
cane with its bottom tip touching Ernst Ludwig
Creatures like you are all
paid
for doing nothing but loaf
about
We hired you to be our
servant
Friedrich and I
but we are paying for the
services of an idiot
you aren’t even worth the
headpieces
that I have given you
during the twenty-five years
that you have been with us
to Mrs Kant
How long has Ernst Ludwig
been in my
and in Friedrich’s
and in our employ how long
MRS KANT
Twenty-five years
KANT exclamatorily
Twenty-five years
to Ernst Ludwig
You are every bit as
imbecilic as you were on the first day
You still can’t ever
manage
to wrap my feet properly
and when I tell you
to stir my pap every
morning
you never manage to do it
to say nothing of your
performance of the rest of your duties
Friedrich deserved a
better servant
to the others
I’m obliged to be
constantly worrying
that this idiot
who has been carrying my priceless
Friedrich
behind me for fully
twenty-five years
will drop my Friedrich
and then my Friedrich will
be dead
One fine day
he’s going to drop him
thwacks Ernst Ludwig on
his upper back and addresses him in a hectoring tone
and then it’ll be time
for the likes of you to
settle up
Right now time is on your
side
but the day is already in
sight
when everything will gang
up on you
and on imbeciles
everywhere
licks his right index
finger and holds it high
West-northwest
precisely west-northwest
STEWARD
West-northwest Professor
Kant
KANT
Kant
on the high seas
Kant has
never left
Königsberg
they say
Where Kant is is
Königsberg
STEWARD with a bolster
What about your bolster
Professor
MRS KANT
Give him the bolster
FRIEDRICH
Bolster bolster bolster
KANT
Give me the bolster
The steward places the
bolster under Kant’s neck
The earth has something of its own
that we may liken to the dispersal of
the comic vapors and their tails
Turns to Friedrich and
whispers something in his ear
MRS KANT at the same
time
From time to time my
husband
suffers from the thinning
of the air
KANT with his head
raised
The key-date
will be a Tuesday
FRIEDRICH
Will be a Tuesday
Will be a Tuesday
MRS KANT immersed in
the menu
On Tuesday we’re arriving
STEWARD springs to
attention
If all goes well
we’ll arrive on Tuesday
KANT licks his right
index finger and holds it high
West-northwest isn’t it
STEWARD
West-northwest Professor
Kant
exit the steward
KANT to his wife
You should not have eaten
the stew
When on the high seas
every rational human being
eats high sea food
You eat continental food
Your fatty diet
is your curse
cocks an ear towards
the cage
Psittacus erithacus
is the most intelligent
species
For example
seventeen years ago
I dictated the following sentence
to him
There is no such thing
as a unique unconditioned
universal
fundamental principle of
all truths
Yesterday he repeated this
sentence to me
verbatim
absolutely verbatim
The Steward approaches
with a bundle of old newspapers
How old are those
newspapers
STEWARD
Six weeks old Professor
KANT
Then they’re fine
I make it a fundamental
principle to read only newspapers
that are at least four
weeks old
six weeks old
is even better
The steward gives the
newspapers to Mrs Kant
These old newspapers
have a salutary effect
they occasion absolutely
no aggravation of one’s condition
Naturally
from the outside world’s
point of view
I am
depending on the age of
the newspapers
four or five or six weeks
behind
The most recent events
are long since forgotten
to the steward
At first
thirty years ago
my wife read to me
only from French papers
twenty years ago she
suddenly switched to nothing but English papers
nowadays I no longer read
any newspapers but the German ones
I have never had any
ambition
to read Portuguese papers
for instance
to Ernst Ludwig
Have you thoroughly mixed
the birdseed
show it to me
Ernst Ludwig leaps up
and towards Kant
Kant pointing at the
bag
Open it
I want to see
if you have thoroughly
mixed the seed
psittacus erithacus
FRIEDRICH
Psittacus erithacus
KANT
If he tacitly
mind you tacitly condensed
several sentences into one
he merely
simulated the illusion
of a simple fundamental
principle
Ernst Ludwig opens the
bag and lets Kant peer into it
Kant inquiringly
Half-and-half
ERNST LUDWIG
Half-and-half
KANT
Professor Drahgut
maintained
that the seed should be
pulverized
He was wrong
Psittacus erithacus
must partake of entire
undamaged kernels
By now the so-called
zoologists
have brought about the degeneration
of the entire animal kingdom
to the steward
On Sundays
my Friedrich receives
a toasted breakfast-roll
he consumes it with the
greatest gusto
I once said that to
Professor Drahgut
My Psittacus erithacus
consumes for breakfast
a toasted roll I said
Drahgut didn’t believe me
And so I invited Professor
Drahgut
to breakfast
He was able with his own
eyes to attest to the fact
that Friedrich is capable
of consuming a toasted
roll
FRIEDRICH
Drahgut Drahgut Drahgut
KANT
That was the only time
that I put Friedrich on
display to a professor
This man naturally had
a devastating effect on
Friedrich
to Ernst Ludwig
You must inspect the seed
for Friedrich
inspect every single
kernel with the utmost meticulousness
exclaims
so that he doesn’t swallow
any stones
At the very top
remember
you once slipped a stone
ERNST LUDWIG
A pebble
KANT
Nonsense a stone
into the bag
whether out of
inattentiveness
and therefore completely
accidentally
or deliberately
I do not know
to the steward
Friedrich would have
almost
choked to death on it
FRIEDRICH
Choked to death choked to
death choked to death
KANT
You should have seen the
pallor
Friedrich’s pallor
Ernst Ludwig makes as
if to close the bag
Kant stops him from
doing so and takes a sample kernel
from the bag
I always sample a kernel
from the bag
ever since Ernst Ludwig
slipped Friedrich a stone
in the bag
sticks the kernel into
his mouth and chews it thoroughly
to Ernst Ludwig
Are these the Brazilian
seeds
or the ones from Guatemala
FRIEDRICH
The ones from Guatemala
KANT
In other words the
Guatemalan seeds
Ernst Ludwig nods
Actually the seeds
from Guatemala
are more wholesome
than the Brazilian seeds
more wholesome and cheaper
directly to the steward
It happens quite often
that something is more wholesome
and at the same time
cheaper
The most expensive thing
is not always
also the most wholesome
thing
he is quite visibly
ruminating
Seed from Guatemala
for Friedrich
suddenly, loudly, and
declaratively
In the end we are
on a luxury liner
to the steward
Initially I couldn’t
make up my mind
whether to opt
for the Corocopsis vasa
FRIEDRICH
Coracopsis vasa
KANT
Or for the Psittacus
erithacus
FRIEDRICH
Psittacus erithacus
KANT
The Coracopsis vasa
lives even longer
Numerous specimens
have surpassed the age of
sixty
to Friedrich
In two years
we’ll celebrate your
fiftieth birthday
Possibly
on the high seas
who knows
looks around
I shall charter
an even much larger ship
for that birthday
celebration
to the steward regarding
Friedrich
He likes it best
when my wife reads to me
and hence also to him
from the Nürnberger
Nachrichten
that amuses him
it makes him almost laugh
himself to death
The more serious the
article
the
greater the danger
that he’ll laugh himself
to death
licks his right index
finger and holds it high
West-northwest
full speed ahead
STEWARD springing to
attention
West-northwest
full speed ahead
KANT to Mrs Kant
We can begin
cocks an ear towards the
cage
regarding Friedrich
His attentiveness
is superlative
No human being
is possessed of such
powers of attention
Steam-whistles sound
My most significant my
most important lectures
I have delivered to
Friedrich
I know why Friedrich
whenever I deliver a
lecture
is always at the very
front of the audience
even in front of my
academic colleagues
Steam-whistles sound
to the steward
That is why Friedrich
is the arch-loathee
most of all university
professors loathe him
because he always sits
in the foremost place
The professors envy him
his attentiveness
Nothing escapes his notice
whereas virtually
everything
escapes the notice of
scholars
From the very beginning
I have always traveled
only with Friedrich
secretly
naturally
throughout Germany
It is said
that Kant has not
left Königsberg
but where Kant is
is Königsberg
Königsberg is
Where Kant is
to Friedrich
Where is Königsberg
FRIEDRICH
Where Kant is
KANT
And where is Kant
FRIEDRICH
Kant is where Königsberg
is
KANT inquiringly
Psittacus erithacus
Humanity
is monosyllabicity
in itself
If the contrary of
something
is affirmed
it is itself denied
If the contrary of
something
is true
the something is itself
false
Leibniz he said
Professor Leibniz
FRIEDRICH
Leibniz Leibniz
KANT
Leibniz was afraid
of Friedrich
Leibniz turned down
a chance to give a lecture
in Königsberg
because he couldn’t bear
Friedrich’s presence
On account of Friedrich
Leibniz
refused
A man suffering from seasickness is led past Kant
and his companions by a steward
Seasickness is
evidence
of everything
to Ernst Ludwig
From now on
buy only
the Guatemalan birdseed
no more of the Brazilian
ERNST LUDWIG
None of the Brazilian
KANT raises his head
As though the wind
were changing direction
Licks his right index finger and
holds it high in the air
Wind west-northwest
STEWARD
Wind west-northwest
full speed ahead
Professor
KANT
They say
to go ashore in America on a Tuesday
is bad luck
MRS KANT bursting into laughter
For you
it’s good luck
Immanuel
good luck for you
What’s bad luck for others
is pure good luck for you
KANT musingly
Surely the professors are
expecting me
in black
But I shall disembark
in white
to all present
We shall all
disembark in white
white
white
With the exception of
Ernst Ludwig
who must disembark in
black
MRS KANT
Ernst Ludwig in black
why Ernst Ludwig
In particular
KANT
Because his sister has
died
MRS KANT
But Immanuel
If that’s the reason
shouldn’t he already be
wearing black on board
KANT
Possibly in this case
a black band
on his right arm
will suffice
MRS KANT
Where are we supposed
to get hold of a black
suit for Ernst Ludwig
KANT
On a first-class luxury
liner
like this one
even black suits in all
sizes
can be scrounged up
on a luxury liner like
this one
nothing is impossible
directly to Mrs Kant
But you’re right
a black armband will do
sew him a black armband
MRS KANT
But of course Immanuel
KANT
His sister’s death
obligates him to wear
a black armband at minimum
at minimum
ERNST LUDWIG
At minimum
KANT to Ernst Ludwig
What did she die of
ERNST LUDWIG
Of the garden shovel
KANT
Of the garden shovel
ERNST LUDWIG
The garden shovel
broke her head
KANT
An absurd death
to have one’s head broken
by a garden shovel
A single clumsy move
and the garden shovel
breaks one’s head
to the steward
We are traveling
as you know
for the first time
to America
I never had any desire
to go to America
A trip to America is an act of perversity
I am taking this one only
for my wife’s sake
She has dreamed
of doing this all her life
Now when Columbia University
has made an honorary
doctor of you
you have to go to America
she said to me
and I unhesitatingly
acquiesced
Can you believe it
I acquiesced without
hesitation
I was planning on
traveling with nothing
just with my head and with
Friedrich
and with Ernst Ludwig
naturally
but now we’ve got this
huge pile of luggage
women always travel with
huge suitcases
A tasteless habit
naturally
For my part
I am content
if I can change my clothes
every two days
Everything that is not
is not
Everything that is
is
The principle of identity
you must be familiar with
it
cocks an ear towards the cage
Occasionally I think
he is stone dead
but then I discover
that his intensity is at
its highest pitch
to the steward
When I hear nothing
literally nothing
his intensity is at its
highest pitch
He mistrusts my wife
he abhors
the female sex
My wife is unique in
having once
expressed a snide opinion
about Friedrich
Nobody else has ever dared
to do that
my wife once dared
to belittle Friedrich
In Sopot my wife
belittled Friedrich
but I brought my wife
to justice
before Friedrich
she was obliged to
apologize to Friedrich
since then my wife has not
been allowed
to comb Friedrich
a privilege
that my wife enjoyed for
thirty years
Only Ernst Ludwig is
permitted to comb Friedrich
Friedrich is combed
every day between five and
half-past five in the morning
One time my wife wanted to
varnish his talons
which would have almost
driven me mad
only a woman can
think up such a piece of
perversity
At night I lock up Friedrich’s
room
with my own hands I lock
up
Friedrich’s room at night
and Ernst Ludwig guards it
Here on the ship
we naturally have
difficulties
with our living
arrangements
I would not have made the
voyage
if I had not managed to
get
an extra cabin for Friedrich
a virtually totally
soundproof cabin
as Friedrich absolutely
cannot tolerate any noise at night
psittacus erithacus
needs absolute nocturnal
silence
the most difficult thing
to obtain on a ship at sea
My wife fell in love with
Friedrich
thirty years ago
I gave her an ultimatum
either or
she had been obliged to
renounce Friedrich
In Königsberg word of this
affair had gotten around
I sent my wife to Sopot
for a year
during this period I was
alone with my Friedrich
it was the happiest period
of my life
to the steward suddenly
Full speed ahead
STEWARD springing to
attention
Full speed ahead Professor
KANT
An operation
would prove everything
naturally
an operation that enabled me
to see
the inside of Friedrich’s
head
I would have complete
proof
directly to the steward
This head keeps in storage
everything
that has ever been said to
it
a head as completely
ordered as this one has no peer
If only I could see the
inside of this head
and could hold it fast
I would have complete
proof
FRIEDRICH suddenly agitated
Imperative imperative
imperative
KANT
I pondered whether to take
this American trip with Friedrich
very thoroughly and at
great length
There would actually
be no risk
in sending Friedrich by
himself
to the world’s
universities he is capable
of providing an
unsurpassable summary
of everything I have ever
said and thought
cocking an ear towards
the cage
It is merely out of
self-conceit
that science refuses to
have anything to do
with such an adventure
On behalf of Kant
I shall summarize
for example
the principle of
contradiction
I can hear Friedrich
saying that
to Friedrich
What do you say
at the conclusion of your
lecture
FRIEDRICH
I thank you for your
attention
KANT
Everything that is
is
Everything that is not
Is not
The world is the reverse
side
of the world
Truth the reverse side
of truth
to the steward
regarding Friedrich
He lives entirely
in my conceptual world
He abhors
what I abhor
He calls to account
what I call to account
suddenly
What is the date of these
newspapers anyway
STEWARD
The twenty-fifth
KANT
In other words the
twenty-fifth of August
STEWARD
Naturally Professor Kant
KANT
Then today is
the twenty-fifth of
September
to Mrs Kant
How my eyes long for
the next rainy day
This constant sunlight
almost completely blinds
me
If my eyes were my sole
consideration
I would spend the entire
voyage
below deck
in my cabin
But I believe that in the
cabin
I would suffocate
Friedrich too suffers
in his cabin
from a fear of suffocation
to Ernst Ludwig
Can’t you see
that my feet are freezing
to the steward and his
fellow-sitters
He can’t see it
He has the best eyes
and sees nothing
Ernst Ludwig leaps up
and swathes
Kant’s feet more
tightly in the blankets
Servants
suffer from absolute
blindness
even though
as has been proved
they have the best eyes
they see everything
and nothing
kicks at the blankets
and Ernst Ludwig is obliged
to swathe Kant’s feet once
more
FRIEDRICH loudly
Imperative imperative
imperative
KANT
Never in my life
could I have dreamed
of undertaking a voyage
like this one
It’s a question of saving
my eyesight
Mrs Kant whispers
something in the steward’s ear
A tiny incision
in the iris
a trifling procedure
MRS KANT
You are bringing America reason
KANT
Kant is going
to America
in order to save his eyesight
MRS KANT
All America
is expecting you
The newspapers
are full of articles about
you
KANT
Mrs Kant whispers
something in the steward’s ear
Ernst Ludwig’s right arm
is actually
fatter than
his left one
because he has been
carrying
Friedrich’s cage for fully
thirty years
Mrs Kant bursts out
laughing
Kant licks his finger
and holds it high
West-northwest
full speed ahead
STEWARD snaps to
attention, salutes
Wind west-northwest
full speed ahead
FRIEDRICH
Full speed ahead
KANT
The president of the United States
will attend my first
lecture
I believe he understands
a great deal about music
one of the few musical
personalities
in America
to the steward
I naturally always employ
indirect inferential methods
MRS KANT to the steward
Behind our house
we have built for
Friedrich
a house of his own
in which everything is
tropical
KANT
Tropical
subtropical
MRS KANT
Every Saturday
Friedrich is in the
tropics
KANT
The native habitat
of psittacus erithacus
To Friedrich
Your native habitat
FRIEDRICH
Native habitat native
habitat
KANT
Everything
whose contrary is false
is true
FRIEDRICH
I thank you for your
attention
KANT suddenly to the
steward
Are there icebergs around
here
STEWARDS
No iceberg
Professor Kant
KANT
Who says
there isn’t
when they say there’s
no iceberg
there’s an iceberg
Just think of the Titanic
FRIEDRICH
Titanic Titanic
KANT cocking an ear
towards the cage
All those people
with their luxury
who went down with the
ship
The dance-band played
while everyone was going under
to the Steward
Aren’t you ever afraid of
going
down with the ship
Are you a swimmer
STEWARD
I am a non-swimmer
Professor Kant
KANT exclaims
A non-swimmer
He is a non-swimmer
In your place I’d be
worried
night and day
I am a swimmer
I have always been a good
swimmer
My wife is a non-swimmer
Ernst Ludwig too can swim
to Friedrich
And Friedrich can fly
if need be
he will soar above us all
Mrs Kant whispers
something in the steward’s ear
The first person here
who will go under
is Ernst Ludwig
to Mrs Kant
I can just see you
clinging to Ernst Ludwig
and Ernst Ludwig dragging
you down
What a tragic end
to steward
Tell me
how many lifeboats
are here and ready to go
STEWARD
Twenty-two lifeboats
Professor
KANT
Women and children first
Ah
covers his eyes with
both hands
how my eyes ache
I certainly
do not deserve glaucoma
Eyesight
is the most important
thing
without my eyesight
my head will also be lost
adrift
MRS KANT has been
studying the menu for some time
to the steward
See to it that my
husband’s veal is minced
No sauce
no salad
KANT removes his hands
from his eyes and gazes
out at the ocean
Everything is cloudy
cloudy
cloudy
cloudy
MRS KANT
I’ll have the steak as it
is
peppered
FRIEDRICH
Peppered
Ernst Ludwig has stood
up and is making as if to remove
the cover of the cage
KANT angrily
Don’t you dare
remove that cover
Even I
following Friedrich’s lead
now suffer under exposure
to bright light
Ernst Ludwig sits back
down, places the bag of birdseed between his knees
Entirely different
thoughts
on the high seas
than on dry land
Mrs Kant whispers
something in the steward’s ear
One’s head affirms
what it has denied
cocks an ear towards
the cage and remains in this posture for a while, then
Tuesday my fateful day
which is also your fateful
day
Mrs Kant whispers
something in the steward’s ear
Exit steward with the
menu
Kant to Friedrich
We belong together
no matter
what the world thinks
the world thinks
nothing but impudent twaddle
MRS KANT to Ernst
Ludwig
Straighten
my husband’s head
Ernst Ludwig leaps up
and straightens Kant’s head
KANT to Mrs Kant
I think
I’m coming
to America
at exactly the right time
At bottom I am
a hater of Americanism
I have always detested
Americanism
For decades I have been
turning them down
now I’m going to America
In this case anyone would
go
Americanism
is to blame for the end of
the world
irascibly to Ernst
Ludwig
You’re hurting me you know
Haven’t I taught you
all those ways of gripping
the head
thirty years
and the result is this
catastrophe
I once saw
your sister
a lovely child
It’s incredible
that she was your sister
Grace incarnate
and you
are brimming over with blockheadedness
She with her nerves of
exceptional acuity
and you with the antithesis
Pushes him away
to Friedrich
We haven’t managed to find
anybody better
than this blockhead
Either
he gives you the seed to
early
or too late
People of this stripe
Ernst Ludwig sits down
have no sense of timing
they are totally anti-sensibilitistic
anti-sensibilitistic
MRS KANT leafing
through the newspapers
More assassinations
are you listening
The prime minister of Cambodia
has been assassinated
KANT
All my life I have been
against newspapers
all my life I have
devoured them absorbed them
Mrs Kant bursts out
laughing
Why are you laughing
MRS KANT
It’s this caricature
KANT
Everything is a caricature
MRS KANT bursts out
laughing
A completely inaccurate
weather forecast
For the month of August
bad weather is predicted
KANT bursts out
laughing, then
To pursue the chain of
truths
all the way to its last
link
The overthrow of all
governments
is immediately imminent
Leibniz said Leibniz
my name is Leibniz
to Ernst Ludwig
The signature trait of you
and the likes of you
is refractoriness
with which you have contrived
to get yourself
and the likes of yourself
paid
Socialism
is lethal
Society has committed
suicide
in following the path of
socialism
society has completely
misunderstood socialism
I am a socialist
the only true the only
real socialist
everybody else is in error
And communism
is a faddish delusion
Marx a ne’er-do-well
That poor feebleminded sap
Lenin
completely misunderstood
me
All those people
were nothing but born
novelists
who never exercised their proper
genius
suddenly laughs
May I speak to the cook
I must speak to the cook
to Mrs Kant
the cook must come here
he must come here
Enter STEWARD, who salutes
Do you desire something
Professor Kant
KANT
I must speak to the cook
to the head chef
I will tolerate no cumin
in my cumin soup
Get the head chef up here
this instant
Mrs Kant whispers
something into the steward’s ear
Exit steward
Kant to Ernst Ludwig
These ship’s cooks are
insidious
there is nothing more
insidious
than a ship’s cook
On the high seas one must
keep one’s wits about one
vis-à-vis the food
that the ship’s cooks cook
MRS KANT
But you’ve already spoken
yesterday
with the ship’s cook
with the head chef
KANT
I must speak with him
every day
I want to see him every
day
in all these people a
dangerous transformation is always underway
and they are apt to start
doing what they want all of a sudden
Enter steward with the
ship’s cook
Kant to the ship’s cook
Are you the chef
the ship’s head chef
SHIP’S COOK
At your service Professor
Kant
Kant’s wife beckons the
steward over and slips him
a banknote
KANT looks at his
pocket watch
to the ship’s cook
Soup
is deadly
don’t you agree
A deadly substance
literally a deadly
substance
SHIP’S COOK looks
around, then repeats
A deadly substance
KANT
I know several kings
who have died
from an excess of cumin in
their soup
You know
what I’m driving at
cocking an ear towards
the cage
to Friedrich
It’s a good thing that
you’re provided for by Ernst Ludwig’s bag
to the ship’s cook
Before I eat a spoonful
my wife must eat a
spoonful
I’ve been insisting on
this
for fifty years
holding up his right
index finger threateningly
Cooks are the most
dangerous of all people
No cumin in my soup
After a pause, during
which everybody glances at one another
and no hair
You may go
Exit cook
Kant calls him back
Chef
Chef
Ship’s cook turns
around, remains stationary
How many cumin seeds are
there usually
in one bowl of soup
SHIP’S COOK inquiringly
In one bowl of soup
KANT
Don’t say
how many
Keep on calmly cooking
Soon the fish of the Atlantic
will be pretty much inedible
to the steward
Do you know that
the more of them that are
caught
the more poisonous they
are
My wife couldn’t care less
that eels have become
downright unpalatable
Herrings are absolute
life-shorteners
Mrs Kant whispers
something in the steward’s ear
Kant to the steward
The problem
in all epochs
has been the holes in the
nets
A cousin of mine
imported sea fish
into the Alps
He was the inventor of the
refrigerator car
There is a monument to him
in Innsbruck
suddenly
But it has not yet been
unveiled
looks around
At every moment I think
the ship will burst
quite simply burst asunder
and that we all will all
fall through
to the bottom of the ocean
FRIEDRICH
Imperative imperative
imperative
KANT
Every single life
is of the greatest
importance
looks around
MRS KANT
Perhaps it will be better
if he eats a puree
Steam-whistles sound
a finely-whipped puree
KANT
Logic teaches
that nothing is more
easily digested
than a puree
or tripe
Enter the secondary
steward, who whispers something in the steward’s ear
Mrs Kant bursts out
laughing and violently folds shut a newspaper
Steam-whistles sound
STEWARD to Kant
Dinner is served Professor
Kant
Everybody rises and
goes to dinner
Ernst Ludwig packs up
the cage and exits last
KANT stopping halfway
to the exit, licking his right index finger and holding it high
Steam-whistles sound
West-northwest
STEWARD saluting
Wind west-northwest
full speed ahead
Middle
Deck
Several folding-chairs
and non-folding chairs
Mrs Kant and the
millionairess are promenading together
MILLIONAIRESS
There are many famous
people
on board
Their pretended anonymity
does nothing to conceal
them from the crowd
Word has already gotten
around
that Kant is on board
laughs
If this trip isn’t
productive
the next one will be
My grandmother
a born advertising poster
coal coke metal don’t you
know
with ambitions to be a
pianist
traveled with the full
coffer of family jewels
on the Titanic
The steam-whistles
sound three times
She had always said
that she would die on the
high seas
The iceberg literally cut
the Titanic wide open
Lloyds must quite simply
raise the Titanic
I will stake everything
on the raising of the
Titanic
My late husband
on his deathbed made me
swear to him
that I would stop at
nothing
to see the Titanic raised
In any case it is Lloyds
solemn duty
Kant on board
Isn’t this an enormity
They say he’s never left
Königsberg
All very witty people
The steam-whistles
sound three times
I have spoken with the
steward
We’ll be dining at the
captain’s table
with the cardinal with the
admiral
at the Chinese lantern
party
Dreadful
I keep thinking about the
iceberg
I didn’t sleep a wink all
night
after the cardinal’s story
on the one hand I was all
ears
on the other hand I was
drinking whisky nonstop
The ship’s doctor says
that a couple of glasses in the evening
won’t do me any harm
On a voyage like this
one must quite simply
surrender to the pleasures
it affords
suddenly, while
inspecting Mrs Kant’s dress
What a lovely dress
a proper sea-dress
Every morning I am in the
greatest perplexity
when I think to myself
what ever am I going to
wear this time
The steam-whistles
sound three times
on the one hand it’s quite
windy on deck
on the other hand it’s
awfully hot below deck
But on the high seas I
have yet to wear
the same dress twice
It must be interesting
to be married to such an
illustrious man
as Professor Kant
The steward says the
professor is
an honorary doctor ten
times over
I heard you’d met your
husband on the Tristacher See
A see marriage
bursts out laughing
A see marriage
MRS KANT
Yes on the water
MILLIONAIRESS
Your first trip on the
high seas
and for such a grand
incentive
An honorary New York doctorate
what a climax
MRS KANT
My husband’s doctorate is
from Columbia University
MILLIONAIRESS
But of course that makes
no difference
Just having any honorary
doctor
at one’s table
just having Kant in person
I’m just now realizing
what that means
The cardinal is quite
beside himself
with the thought that he
is on the same ship as Kant
Kant and the cardinal
I love America more than anywhere else
Don’t you
MRS KANT
We are traveling to America for the first time
MILLIONAIRESS
To think that these days
there are still people
traveling to America for the first time
gazes out at the ocean
This vast expanse
this infinitude
Well
I firmly believe
Lloyds will raise the
jewels
then I will have gotten
what I wanted
After all I owe it to my
husband
He had always wanted to
become a shipbuilding engineer
a proper shipbuilding
engineer
Well you know he came from
a proper proletarian
family
Kant in person
It must be marvelous
to be married to a global
celebrity
to Kant
Do you go to the masseur
every day as I do
I get a daily massage from
the ship’s masseur
such a handsome physique
an elegant appearance
he’s told me
he’s basically a doctor
On account of a drawn-out case
of pleurisy of his mother’s
he hasn’t been able to finish
his MD
Oh yeah illnesses screw up
everything
One day you’re on the
royal road
to developing a talent
to becoming a genius
and suddenly it’s all
reduced to nothing
because some illness has
appeared on the scene
Every morning the ship’s
doctor comes
and takes my blood
pressure
I’ve got my own personal
blood-pressure kit here with me
regardless of where I’m
traveling to
I always have my personal
blood-pressure kit with me
Doctors always work with the
dodgiest instruments imaginable
Do you have dreams as
absurd as mine
I dream that I’m walking
along Fifth
Avenue
and talking to a man and I
ask him what time is it
and he turns out to be the
shah of Persia
bursts out laughing
and he says
my dear
your garter has come
undone
My garter I ask my garter
Indeed my dear your garter
he says
and so I bend down
and in actual fact
my garter has come undone
Hey I say what are you of
all people doing here on Fifth Avenue
But as I’m standing back
up
I find myself on the Grossglockner
no kidding
People have the most
absurd dreams on the high seas
or they suffer from
insomnia
The cardinal has already
vomited twice
Seasickness is really
god-awful
Have you at least got a
decent cabin
I used to be terrified to
travel alone
a solo sea voyage quite
simply terrified me
with my husband I traveled
all over the world
and always by ship
by ship as a matter of
principle
whispers in Mrs Kant’s
ear
He was an epileptic
again aloud
I hate flying
Ah I like it here on the
ship
and being here on the ship
suits my tastes
If I’m having bad dreams
I go up on deck
and think about Panama
do you know what I mean
sailors love oh yeah
And if my clothes are
starting to fit too tightly
well we do after all have
a tailor on board
a proper Bohemian tailor
a genius in his own
bailiwick
In a couple of days I’ll
have Lloyds enough in my pocket
to make them raise the
Titanic
A pearl necklace just
think of it
that Maria Theresia wore
around her neck
and a heap of archducal
rings
brilliants diamonds from
all the imperial residences
Don’t you find
the cardinal extremely
good-looking
He would make a handsome
pope
I’m sure one day he’ll be
pope
Then I’ll be able to say
I traveled with the pope
by ship to America
There are naturally bigger
ships
but none of them is nicer
Luxury is nice
High-sea luxury is nice
I don’t understand a thing
about philosophy
but please do tell me what
is your husband philosophizing about anyway
It’s literally
incomprehensible
I would so very much like
to read something of your husband’s
do you have anything extra
you could spare me
I certainly would prefer
not to meet Kant
while knowing nothing by
Kant
gazes out at the sea
My mother always told me
don’t talk so much child
it weakens your organism
suddenly
Supposedly the Titanic has
made more money
for the survivors’ lawyers
than the whole ship was
worth
Are you also insured by
Lloyds
Oh yeah
what a lovely afternoon
suddenly curious
What is your husband’s
philosophy based on anyway
Oh yeah
Can you believe the
surprise I got
when I stepped into my
cabin
I’d left the tap running
appalling
here it is two in the
morning and I’m ankle-deep in water
it wasn’t until four in
the morning
that I managed to go to
bed
The skittishness of people
is astonishing
a change in the weather is
in the air
Have you got your lanterns
yet
MRS KANT
What lanterns
MILLIONAIRESS
Why the ones for the
Chinese lantern party
MRS KANT
I haven’t yet even given a
thought to them
MILLIONAIRESS
I’ve always only ever had
yellow lanterns
Yellow is my favorite
color you know
it has been since I was a
child
I love these onboard theme
parties
Once when I was bound for Jamaica
with my husband
there was an incident
The party was already in
full swing
and there was an explosion
The ship has exploded I
thought
A panic just imagine a
real panic
But it was only a
firecracker going off
Your husband will enjoy it
the party that is
You’ll need at least six
lanterns for it
That’s two lanterns per
person
your husband you and your
husband’s assistant
MRS KANT
Ernst Ludwig
MILLIONAIRESS
Right Ernst Ludwig
Three times two is six
MRS KANT
You’ve forgotten about
Friedrich
MILLIONAIRESS inquiringly
Friedrich
MRS KANT
My husband’s parrot
MILLIONAIRESS bursts
out laughing
Oh yeah the parrot
That’ll be a real
jaw-dropper
when the parrot walks in
with two Chinese lanterns
a jaw-dropper
gazes out at the ocean
I love moments like this
when I’m standing here
and looking out
Stay longer in New York
You must stay there longer
You must see Central Park
oh and the many lovely
blouses on Thirty-eighth
Street
Broadway is no longer
what it once was
that’s all dead and done
with
The great actors are all
in the cemetery
and the ones who are alive
are nothing
But I’m sure you have no
interest in the theater
I don’t go to the theater
any more
it no longer has anything
to offer
the theater is an
anachronism
An acquaintance of mine
an author
and also a philosopher
like your husband
has published a book
in which he proves that
the theater
is an anachronism
Do you know Strindberg
There’s a real man for you
everybody else is nothing
so I’m better off taking a
hot footbath
than going to the theater
Suddenly lifts up the hem
of her dress
Look
Mrs Kant looks at the
millionairess’s right knee
My kneecap is prosthetic
It’s a long story
It all happened quite
suddenly
I was walking along the
street three days after
our wedding day
forty-two years ago
and going to the jeweler’s
to pick up a napkin-ring
I had given my husband the
napkin-ring as a present
an engraving don’t you
know
with the date of our
wedding on it
As I’m just about to enter
the jeweler’s shop
this man walks up to me
and says watch out
watch out do you hear me
watch out
I’m thinking he’s a
lunatic and I laugh
At that very instant the
man hits me
in the knee with a metal
rod
and with a single blow dashes
my kneecap to pieces
It all happened so quickly
that the man escaped
unidentified
The case has never been
solved
At first the doctors made
a wreck of me
In Europe of course basically only bungling hacks practice medicine
Then
after several unsuccessful
operations in Viennese and Swiss clinics
I went to America
by then I had already
resigned myself
to having a stiff leg for
good
but at Columbia University
they fitted me with this
prosthetic kneecap
look
moves her leg to and
fro in the air
It’s completely normal
even though my kneecap is
prosthetic
completely normal as if
nothing had happened
The American doctors are
geniuses I tell you
lowers the hem of her
dress and stands back up on both feet
Naturally I spared no
expense
The experts are always
expensive
If I had stayed in Europe
I’d still be hobbling
about with a stiff leg everywhere
they both sit down
but probably I would have
long since killed myself
because I’m not the sort
of person
to hobble about as a
cripple all her life
MRS KANT
We have high hopes
of my husband’s being
helped
in America
MILLIONAIRESS
At first people are
skeptical
Anyone who doesn’t know America hates it
Before I’d gone to America
I also hated it
MRS KANT
My husband’s eyes
are getting worse every
day
The day
is already in sight
when he’ll have ceased to
see at all for good
I’m talking specifically
about glaucoma
MILLIONAIRESS
And for glaucoma
especially
your husband will be in
the best hands
I know a professor there
in Chicago
who will make a tiny
incision in the iris
and your husband will see
better than he did before
nowadays glaucoma is no
longer a serious problem
Glaucoma has lost its
terrors
MRS KANT
My husband is placing all
his hopes
on America
on the American doctors
MILLIONAIRESS
I marvel at your husband
a man who with such bad
eyes
sees so much
The cardinal says that
even already as of now
your husband has thought
deeper thoughts
than anybody else
I never would have dreamed
that I’d get to meet Kant
in person
Nor will anybody believe
that I have
MRS KANT
Is your cabin as terribly
drafty as ours
MILLIONAIRESS
Naturally
All the cabins are drafty
At night I put on a knitted
cap
MRS KANT
That’s a good idea
MILLIONAIRESS
After all my grandmother
suffered from drafts
on the high seas
she was a passionate
sea-voyager
every year at least one
sea voyage
if possible around the
entire world
that was an enormity in
her day
My grandmother was never
without a knitted cap on
board
My child she always used
to say
if I didn’t have this knitted
cap
Anyone who doesn’t have a knitted
cap on the high seas
will come down with every
possible illness
they start out as
perfectly harmless colds
but they all eventually
turn into chronic illnesses
A single night without my knitted
cap
and I’d have caught my
death of cold
I assume my grandmother
had her knitted cap on
when she went down with
the Titanic
I can’t picture her doing
otherwise
laughs
Oh yeah one can’t protect
oneself enough
So aren’t you going to
knit yourself a knitted cap like mine
MRS KANT
Certainly a knitted cap
like yours
would be beneficial to my
husband
MILLIONAIRESS
A knitted cap like mine
is the best protection
I must of course devote a
considerable outlay
to the raising of the
Titanic
So far Lloyds has
shortchanged me
it’s an uninterrupted
struggle
to get hold of what you’re
legally entitled to
This is my third trip to America
on Lloyds-related business
but I’m not giving up
I promised my husband
when he was on his
deathbed
to take the matter in hand
Two lanterns per person
remember that
A parrot with two Chinese
lanterns
MRS KANT
Ernst Ludwig will have to
carry Friedrich’s lanterns
MILLIONAIRESS
A screamingly funny fellow
Where in the world did you
dig him up
MRS KANT
Without Ernst Ludwig
my husband would be lost
He’d be unable
to carry Friedrich himself
MILLIONAIRESS
A screamingly funny fellow
An intellectual trio
bursts out laughing
An intellectual trio
MRS KANT
You’re right about that
MILLIONAIRESS
Say somebody stuffs a
fortune
into a certain head
for instance Kant’s head
right
then at the very least that
somebody is going to learn
what the point of the
intellectual world is
The intellectual world is
a whole different world
I grew up in the
capitalist world
I am a true child of
capitalism
My husband only ever
addressed me as
my capitalist child
The first night at sea
he always had diarrhea
For days on end I’ve been
observing your husband
he’s fascinating
What I find most striking
is
that your husband
undoubtedly
has a large shoe-size
MRS KANT
Forty-six
MILLIONAIRESS
That’s exceptionally large
MRS KANT
At clearance sales
it’s an asset
MILLIONAIRESS
Yes at clearance sales
large sizes
are absolutely an asset
Kant and the others are
approaching
MRS KANT
Here comes my husband
MILLIONAIRESS
These footfalls herald the
arrival of Kant
Both of them turn
around
Enter Kant with a sheaf
of papers, Ernst Ludwig with Friedrich, and the steward with blankets
Mrs Kant and the millionairess
stand up
KANT promptly taking a
seat on one of the folding-chairs, to the millionairess
My wife prizes such
universal breadth of conversation as you afford
MILLIONAIRESS laughing
We understand each other
Professor Kant
We understand each other
perfectly
Mrs Kant and the
steward adjust Kant’s folding-chair
Ernst Ludwig has set
down Friedrich’s cage and the bag of seed and is swathing Kant’s feet
MRS KANT to Kant
Will you be needing your
head-cushion
KANT
Naturally my head-cushion
at midday I obviously need
my head-cushion
to the millionairess
The atmospheric conditions
are worsening
licks his right index
finger and holds it in the air
West-northwest
STEWARD springs to
attention
West-northwest Professor
Kant
Kant adjusts his
eyeglasses and opens the sheaf of papers
MILLIONAIRESS
My finest sea-voyage
Professor Kant
To have such a lofty
intellect on the ship
I am in raptures
I have recommended to your
wife
the wearing of a knitted
cap for the prevention of colds
I knitted my own knitted
cap myself
But you can also buy knitted
caps below deck
MRS KANT
Raise your head
KANT
Head raised
Mrs Kant and the steward
are inserting Kant’s head-cushion
Wait wait
that’s just right
looks straight ahead
Now I have the ideal line
to the millionairess
Do you know Joseph Conrad
MILLIONAIRESS
Who is that
KANT
One of our greatest
authors
a Pole
MRS KANT to the millionairess
Won’t you be seated
KANT to the millionairess
Please do take a seat
Ernst Ludwig moves
Friedrich’s cage to a position immediately next to Kant’s folding-chair and
swathes Kant’s legs in the blankets
The steward swathes
Kant’s upper body in the blankets
Even on the high seas
darkness reigns supreme
One’s frame of mind varies
Eccentricity
Nature
is the quintessence of
artificiality
MILLIONAIRESS
I showed your wife my knee
my artificial kneecap
my American kneecap
as my husband always
called it
exposes her knee
Look Professor Kant
here is my prosthetic
kneecap
MRS KANT
American surgeons
fitted her with it
American doctors
are the best
MILLIONAIRESS
The best in the world
without a doubt
KANT staring at the
millionairess’s knee
I see nothing
You know I have glaucoma
I see nothing
almost nothing any longer
a pair of foundational
principles perhaps
then darkness reigns
supreme
MRS KANT to the
millionaires, who has pulled back down the hem of her dress
He can see your knee
but he can’t tell
that your kneecap is
prosthetic
MILLIONAIRESS
For an intelligent person
the fear of going blind
is the most appalling of
all fears
I have always thought
better to lose a leg
than an eye
bursts out laughing
Eyes are still pretty much
never replaceable
All joking aside
as far as ophthalmologists
go
the most celebrated place
to Mrs Kant
I had a niece
who went blind over the
course of just a few days
incurably
the poor child
Once I went out with her
to pick raspberries
in the Black Forest
but the poor child
couldn’t find a single berry
Mrs Kant beckons the
steward over and whispers
something in his ear
In European institutes for
the blind
the most indescribably
appalling conditions reign supreme
Tell me Professor Kant
what is the basis of our more
or less permanent fear of death
our dread of the end
KANT flying into a rage
Don’t say the word end
MILLIONAIRESS nonplussed
Oh yeah well everyone’s
got their own finishing-line
after a pause
Are you seasick Professor
KANT
You can quite easily see
that I am see-sick
you can quite easily see
it on account of my glasses
MILLIONAIRESS
I mean seasick
not see-sick
MRS KANT
My husband is not seasick
he is never seasick
MILLIONAIRESS
Such intellects always
suffer
from horrible seasickness
occasionally
Kant leafs through his
papers
MRS KANT to Kant
I shall knit you a cap
MILLIONAIRESS
Knit your husband
a red cap
a red cap will go well
with his face
not a blue cap
not a green cap
a red cap
tightly knitted
laughs
a cap with holes only
for the eyes and the nose
to Mrs Kant
I haven’t the faintest
idea
why I’m suddenly thinking
about the story of Little
Red Riding Hood
to the steward
Hey why don’t you fetch me
a double whisky
it’s too lovely here
one must take advantage of
such opportunities
to Kant and Mrs Kant
May I treat you two
to a whisky
MRS KANT
My husband doesn’t drink
MILLIONAIRESS
Well that’s too bad
Exit steward
Soon it will rain again
and everybody will be
miserable
Kant is jotting down
notes on his papers
An artist I always used to
say
or a scientist one must be
an artist or a philosopher
then I suddenly married
Richard
dragged him out of the mud
so to speak
But life on my side
was entirely too strenuous
for him
I wore him out
For the proletariat
the atmosphere of luxury
is too thin
my father always used to
say
Oh yeah, I have been on my
own now for an awfully long time
Re-enter the steward
with a double whisky
for the millionairess
The millionairess
drinks a large gulp of whisky
Life is too short
to be allowed to slip away
don’t you think so too
Professor
I have always been a happy
person
at bottom
What I’m saying is a
platitude
but I am actually happy
With Kant in person
on a ship
bound for America
drinks another gulp
For some people it’s
always a catastrophe
and for others a huge
blessing
raises her glass to the
everyone in turn
I drink to your healths
Professor Kant long may
you live
KANT cocks an ear
towards Friedrich’s cage
to Ernst Ludwig
Nothing not the faintest
sign of activity
ERNST LUDWIG
Perhaps he’s sleeping
KANT
We were up too late last
night
Kant is the one
The Psittacus erithacus
the other
Probably the doctor’s
procedure
exhausted him
I summoned the doctor
and had him auscultate
Friedrich’s head
The doctor kept his
opinion to himself
cocks an ear towards
the cage again
to the millionairess
Will you allow me for
simplicity’s sake
to call you Millionairhead
Of course you may also
address me simply as Professor
MILLIONAIRESS
You flatter me Professor
Kant
How ever have you managed
to become so famous
How do you keep all those
philosophies of yours in your
head
KANT
I have stored everything
I have ever thought
in Friedrich
If I lose him
I shall have lost
everything
MILLIONAIRESS
I have always marveled
at people
who have written books
naturally philosophical
ones
most of all
KANT
It is a question of
working
He who works through history
in one direction
as in the other
through the whole of
history
do you understand
MILLIONAIRESS
My that’s exciting
drinks a hefty gulp
Mrs Kant beckons the
steward over and whispers
something in his ear
KANT
Every thought
is the whole of history
is past and future
is everything
do you understand
a patriarchy naturally
cocking an ear towards
Friedrich’s cage
The doctors are deranging
everything in a certain
person
killing everything in a
certain person
starting with Friedrich
to Ernst Ludwig
Has he eaten
Ernst Ludwig nods
How much
Ernst Ludwig indicates
the amount on the bag of seed
If the development
of a body itself
produces the axial
rotation
then it is
reasonable that all the spheres of the cosmic structure must have it
why then does
the moon not have it
gazes meaningfully at
everyone in turn
suddenly to the
millionaires
Tell me
do you by any chance play
the piano
MILLIONAIRESS
Where did you get that
idea
KANT
It’s just a question
you seem very much like
someone who plays the
piano
MILLIONAIRESS
I like listening to music
is that it
KANT
That’s it
I can plainly see that
That’s it
MILLIONAIRESS
Where can one buy your
books
I should like to buy
literally everything you’ve written
Professor Kant
MRS KANT
Everywhere
all over the world
MILLIONAIRESS
I can hardly believe it
an event
a once-in-a-century event
KANT
Leibniz said Leibniz
I said Kant Kant
The causes are the
heavenly bodies
planets
comets
MILLIONAIRESS
The most important thing
that has ever been thought
has been thought in your
head
according to the cardinal
Ah it would be wonderful
if he became pope
The world has never had
such a handsome pope
suddenly to Kant
What do you think of the
Church
KANT while jotting down
notes
The ecliptic
is another
The direction as area
is another
MILLIONAIRESS drinks a
hefty gulp
A whole new system of
thought
I think
Kant cocks an ear at
the cage and beckons Ernst Ludwig over
Kant and Ernst Ludwig
both cock their ears towards the cage
These animals
are very sensitive
I had a titmouse
who understood everything
I said
suddenly he fell from his
perch
before my very eyes
it made me really sad
To this day I still carry
the dead titmouse with me
in spirit
a quite harmless
perversion perhaps
drinks a hefty gulp
KANT to Mrs Kant
Doctors induce
nothing but deteriorations
of one’s condition
a rustle of flapping
wings from within the cage
MILLIONAIRESS
Do you hear that
Kant shoves Ernst
Ludwig aside and listens
He’s woken up
KANT
He’s woken up
possibly from a fainting
fit
FRIEDRICH
Fainting fit fainting fit
Kant tugs at the cover
and briefly peers into the cage
MILLIONAIRESS
That bird is the most
important thing
that you own Professor
Kant
the very most important
KANT lets go of the
cover
to the millionairess
The system is a false
system
the system is always a
false system
The steward makes as if
to leave
MRS KANT
Wait
Fetch the podium
My husband will now give a
lecture
Exit Steward after
filling the millionairess’s glass
FRIEDRICH
Now now now
KANT
Towards the ecliptic
naturally
perpendicularly
FRIEDRICH
Perpendicularly
perpendicularly
MRS KANT
My husband gives
his lecture
without warning
at a precisely determined
unforeseen point of time
The Millionairess
swallows a hefty gulp
In Würzburg he had only a
dog
for an audience
KANT to the
millionairess
A brilliant lecture
quite possibly my most
brilliant lecture
ever
Kant has never left
Königsberg
This lie is widely
believed
MRS KANT to the
millionaires
My husband has asbestos
arch-supports
in his shoes
he fears
he’ll catch fire
if he doesn’t have
these arch-supports in his
shoes
when he’s lecturing
MILLIONAIRESS
I’ve also always been
afraid
of electricity
You just stick your hand
in
and you’re carbonized
bursts out laughing
carbonized
to Mrs Kant
carbonized
FRIEDRICH
Carbonized carbonized
carbonized
MILLIONAIRESS to Kant
Are you not also insured
by Lloyds Professor Kant
FRIEDRICH
Lloyds Lloyds
MILLIONAIRESS
In your position
I’d have taken out a huge
policy
on the parrot a long time
ago
Lloyds will insure pretty
much anything
Two three million
in the event of that
untimely occurrence Professor Kant
Or maybe you should insure
your own head
your brain Professor Kant
for a million
what am I saying
for ten million
drinks a gulp
to Mrs Kant
In Duisberg they fitted me
with a kneecap
that wasn’t rustproof
I have always dreamt about
it
with a capacity to hold
together
in the most confined space
exclaims
The light of eyesight
for the light of reason
MRS KANT
Where is your husband
buried
MILLIONAIRESS
In New York
By the evening after our
arrival
I shall be with him
My first business visit
is my visit to him in the
cemetery
The steward and
substeward are carrying a podium on to the deck
MRS KANT crying out and
leaping up
The podium
The millionairess
drinks a gulp
Mrs Kant points to a
spot behind Kant
Put it over there
The steward and the
substeward set up the podium behind Kant
Immanuel
the podium
KANT
The podium
stands up
Ernst Ludwig assists
Kant
FRIEDRICH
Ladies and gentlemen
KANT motions for the
folding-chairs and non-folding chairs to be cleared away
Away
Away with all this
Away away
The steward and the
substeward move the folding chairs and non-folding chairs away from the
vicinity of the podium
Kant looks on as the
steward and the sub-steward and Ernst Ludwig set up the podium at the spot
desired
by Kant
Good
good
Everybody steps back
The millionairess has
stood up
Kant stations himself
behind the podium and is soon deeply immersed
in his papers
Ernst Ludwig places
Friedrich’s cage next to Kant
Remarkable acoustics on
the high seas
Enter upstage the cardinal
along with several passengers
one at a time
Please sit down
Please do sit down
Mrs Kant sits down
The millionairess sits
down
Everybody else sits
down one at a time
FRIEDRICH
Ladies and gentlemen
Ladies and gentlemen
Ladies and gentlemen
Ernst Ludwig opens the
bag of seed, removes the cover
from the cage
completely, and feeds Friedrich
Ladies and gentlemen
Millionairess drinks a
large gulp
Enter two passengers
The steam-whistles
sound three times
KANT flustered
Please sit down
Please do sit down at once
The steam-whistles
sound three times
Sit down
The passengers sit down
FRIEDRICH
Sit down sit down
The steam-whistles
sound three times
KANT after a fairly
long pause
It is impossible to speak of
reason
on the high seas
The steam-whistles
sound three times
Rear Deck
A small drawing-room
Dance music is playing
in the adjacent large drawing-room
Kant, Kant’s wife, the
millionairess, the cardinal, and the admiral dining around a table
Ernst Ludwig with
Friedrich in a covered cage
at a small table stage
right
Enter the steward and
the substeward
The dance music grows
louder
The steward displays a
bottle of champagne to the captain
CAPTAIN reads aloud
from the bottle
Château Maginot
Nineteen-seventeen
Murmurs of strong
approval all around
MILLIONAIRESS exclaims
But there’s no Sunshine
There’s no Sunshine
CAPTAIN
There’s no Sunshine
That art collector’s never
on time
The steward opens the
bottle and pours
The captain to Kant
The finest weather conditions
Professor Kant
MILLIONAIRESS
What a lovely Chinese
lantern party
ADMIRAL
I enjoy these Chinese
lantern parties
CAPTAIN pointing at
Ernst Ludwig
A solicitous soul
this specimen
of a well-nigh extinct
breed of the human race
MILLIONAIRESS
An authentic
bird-protector
He devotes his life
completely
to the animal
MRS KANT
Friedrich is almost fifty
ADMIRAL
An astonishing age
for a bird
MRS KANT
Psittacus erithacus
in the right conditions
lives to the age of a
hundred
CARDINAL
The native habitat of Psittacus
erithacus
is Guinea
if I’m not mistaken
MILLIONAIRESS
You were the nuncio there
weren’t you
CARDINAL
Indeed I was
KANT
I gave Friedrich a
sleeping pill
Conscious participation
in this Chinese lantern
party
would irritate him
inordinately
ADMIRAL
Typical of someone with a
head like a storage-bank
KANT
Or a storage-bank like a
head
MRS KANT
Without Friedrich my
husband
couldn’t exist
ADMIRAL
There is no doubt
that one may grow
accustomed to such an animal
MRS KANT
My husband is no
animal-lover
that is something
different
MILLIONAIRESS loudly
I love animals
more than anything else
I have always
loved animals
ADMIRAL
In America the love of our fellow creatures
is extremely intense
CAPTAIN to Kant
The finest weather
conditions
Professor Kant
lifts his glass and glances
at all the guests in turn
Still no Mr Sunshine
an old friend of the ship
Since thirty-seven at the
latest
Sunshine has been
traveling on this ship
The most celebrated art
collector
of all time
A Goya specialist
an anthroposophist
a student of human nature
a cosmopolitan
surveys the guests
My dear Professor Kant
it is an edifying moment
to have you here
on my ship
on the Pretoria
and to raise a glass
with all my guests this
evening
Everybody raises his
glass and drinks
I must say
that this is the most
wonderful Chinese lantern party
that I have ever hosted
peers into the large
drawing-room, in which the music is now
even louder, then
This Chinese lantern party
will
go down in history
not only in nautical
history
but also in the history of
philosophy
Mrs Kant applauds the
captain
MILLIONAIRESS joins her
and exclaims
To think that I am allowed
to be present at the making
exclaims loudly
of the history of
philosophy
CAPTAIN
Tomorrow morning
at exactly eleven-twenty
American time
we shall be arriving in New York
Enter one of the ship’s
officers, who delivers a message
to the captain
The captain after
having read the message
The problem with the
engine has been fixed
We had a problem with the
engine
Everybody is completely
motionless for an instant
MILLIONAIRESS
I didn’t detect the
faintest hint of it
Kant is raising his
eyes
I didn’t detect the
faintest hint of it
Exit the ship’s officer
CAPTAIN
Everything is in order
Everything is in order
MRS KANT
That hunch of yours
about that strange sound
to Kant
Don’t you see
it really was something
to the others regarding
Kant
My husband has quite an
extraordinary sense of hearing
he had a hunch there was a
problem with the engine
CAPTAIN
But please set your mind
at rest
everything is in perfect
order
raises his glass
Everybody raises his
glass and drinks
The dance music grows
louder
MILLIONAIRESS
This is the most exciting
sea voyage I’ve ever been on
MRS KANT
My husband is never
mistaken
CARDINAL
It’s hardly a pleasant
thing to think about
going down with the ship
MILLIONAIRESS
A guardian angel
is on board
We have a guardian angel
on board
drains her glass; the
steward immediately refills it
ADMIRAL
It is absolutely
impossible
for a ship like this one
to sink
It is so well constructed
that it can even run
aground of an iceberg
and not sink
We’re no longer living in
the days of the Titanic
raises his glass to
everyone else in turn
To your health Professor
Kant
Everyone raises his glass to Kant’s health and
drains his glass
The steward refills
everyone’s glass
CAPTAIN
Nowadays
ocean liners are
the safest means of travel
MILLIONAIRESS
Do you remember how the
entire Manchester Philharmonic Orchestra
sank off the coast of Argentina
Since then there’s been
no Philharmonic in Manchester
My brother-in-law was on
board
he managed to escape
drowning
CAPTAIN
Sea travel hasn’t
witnessed a disaster
on that scale in decades
MRS KANT
My husband was
apprehensive
The steward opens a
second bottle of champagne
about undertaking this sea
voyage
But I managed to set his
mind at rest
MILLIONAIRESS
The stars are auspicious
ADMIRAL
Are you conscious of this
Professor
that your philosophy is
the only one
that the world is
compelled to acknowledge
has shaken it from the
ground up
all the rest of them count
for absolutely nothing
KANT
The ecliptic
in defiance of reason
proves all laws
ADMIRAL
The astonishing thing
about it of course
is its enormous impact
but naturally this impact
is not itself astonishing
at all
to the cardinal
The Church naturally always
clings to its
ecclesiastical standpoint
MILLIONAIRESS to the
cardinal
Your eminence I have a
question for you
is it true that when a
pope is elected
white smoke ascends
Everyone exchanges
glances with one another
At the very instant
at which a new pope is
elected
CARDINAL
Yes
white smoke
actual white smoke
MILLIONAIRESS
Do you think
that at the next papal
election
a Roman
or a non-Roman will become
pope
suddenly enthusiastic
You would be the ideal
pope
There has never yet been
a pope as sublimely elegant
as you
Enter the art collector
CAPTAIN exclaims
Sunshine our art collector
greets the art
collector and leads him to the table
art collector sits down
after bowing
in every direction
Our art collector
collects only the most
valuable pieces of art
ADMIRAL
That is of course
a debatable assertion
CARDINAL
Of course
CAPTAIN
A specialist in Goya
Velasquez
Rembrandt
MILLIONAIRESS
Rembrandt
I love Rembrandt
CAPTAIN to the art
collector
Have you been able to buy
the drawings
to the others
He has a soft spot for
Kubin
You all know who Kubin was
ART COLLECTOR
The only exception I make
is Kubin
otherwise I collect only
old art
MILLIONAIRESS to the
art collector
Tell me Mr Sunshine
don’t I know you from Brussels
Let me think
suddenly exclaims
Of course
but of course
you are a third cousin of
mine
does Monfalcone mean
anything to you
ART COLLECTOR
It’s where my maternal
ancestors hail from
MILLIONAIRESS
You see
You are a relative
drains her glass
No matter where I go
I run into relatives
Each and every time I’ve
traveled to America
I’ve run into some
relative on the ship
Oh yeah chance encounters
are the spice of life
ART COLLECTOR
Our relatives are
wherever things are
beautiful
and wherever things are
interesting
CAPTAIN
Mr Sunshine
is an Italian
but he has an American
passport
The steward opens a
third bottle of champagne
and if I am not mistaken
a Portuguese one as well
ART COLLECTOR
And a German one
ADMIRAL
Do you specialize more in
oil paintings
or in drawings
ART COLLECTOR
Oil oil
I exclusively collect oil
with very few exceptions
Toulouse Kubin whom I
mentioned earlier
The captain stands up
and asks Mrs Kant to dance with him and leads Mrs Kant into the large drawing-room
MILLIONAIRESS to the
admiral
How were things in Persia
do tell me
inquiringly
was it your first trip to Persia
ADMIRAL
My first trip to Persia
MILLIONAIRESS
were you not thoroughly
impressed by it
I am a column fanatic
In Persia I saw
the most beautiful columns
Too bad though
that I couldn’t read
what was written on them
Did you also visit the
stone tombs
The admiral shakes his
head in the negative
You really should have
seen them
gone into the tombs
directly into the tombs
Do you speak Persian
The admiral shakes his
head in the negative
The millionairess
drains her glass
One can’t master
everything after all
to Kant
Isn’t that right Professor
Kant
one can’t master
everything after all
If only life weren’t so
short
Life is much too short
ADMIRAL
You are absolutely right
about that my dear
MILLIONAIRESS
There’s no end of things
one ought to see
I was especially impressed
by the faces
of the lepers in Shiraz
those faces that had been
almost completely eaten
away
I had never heard anything
about this reign of
leprosy in Persia
On the one hand
this superabundant luxury
on the other
this dreadful poverty
ADMIRAL
A land of contradictions
MILLIONAIRESS
In Persia you’re constantly worrying
you’re going to come down
with something fatal
ADMIRAL
In Tehran conditions of absolute chaos
reign supreme
MILLIONAIRESS
A horrible city
to the cardinal
Have you ever been to Persia your eminence
CARDINAL
To Afghanistan yes
to Persia no
MILLIONAIRESS
Naturally
of course there’s no
Christianity in Persia
Ever since I was in Persia
I’ve been unable to stand
the sight of a Persian rug
Even long before I had had
an aversion
to Persian rugs
to the admiral
As an admiral you’ve
surely seen
the whole world
or at any rate the whole
coastal part of it
ADMIRAL
The whole coastal part of
it at any rate
Seafarers
have been everywhere
literally everywhere
They are familiar with
everything
MILLIONAIRESS
Everything except the Alps
In the Emmental you’d be
hopelessly lost
ADMIRAL
You’re right about that my
dear
the Emmental is more than
a match for me
MILLIONAIRESS
I’m talking such a load of
rubbish
and Professor Kant is
sitting across from me
Oh yeah
I’ve never been this
interesting
on my way to America
KANT beckons Ernst
Ludwig over
calls out to him
Ernst Ludwig
Ernst Ludwig
straightens the cover of the cage and comes to the table
Get
your glass
Ernst Ludwig fetches
his glass from his table
Kant beckons the
steward over and motions him to pour champagne into Ernst Ludwig’s glass
Pour him
some champagne
CARDINAL
A loyal servant
of his master
ADMIRAL
The likes of him
are a dying breed
an irrevocably dying breed
KANT to Ernst Ludwig
When Friedrich wakes up
remove the cover
These important people must
see him
regarding the captain
They should hear Friedrich
hear how he pronounces the
word captain
impeccably
to the cardinal
And the word cardinal
and to the admiral
and the word admiral
and to the
millionairess
And the word millionairess
raises his glass and
toasts Ernst Ludwig,
who toasts him back
Ernst Ludwig returns to
his place and eats and drinks some more and watches the scene at the table; now
and then he cocks an ear towards the cage and peeks under the cover
Psittacus erithacus
needs a great deal of
sleep
MILLIONAIRESS exclamatorily
So you’re a zoologist too
Professor Kant
I was completely unaware
of that
A philosopher and a
zoologist
combined
to the admiral
You have a really remarkable
way of holding your fork
admiral
a really remarkable way
ADMIRAL
It’s owing to a bullet
wound
that I sustained in the Ardennes
at a secret conference
MILLIONAIRESS inquiringly
An assassination attempt
ADMIRAL
An attempt
on the life of the
Tunisian ambassador
who was killed
I myself
was only wounded
in my left hand
To this wound I owe
my Grand Cross of the
Legion of Honor
MILLIONAIRESS inquisitively
leaning over towards the admiral
Oh yeah
the Grand Cross of the
Legion of Honor
What were you doing in the
Ardennes anyway
ADMIRAL
Attending a secret meeting
of the French and British
governments
MILLIONAIRESS
So you were in the
government
ADMIRAL
I was her majesty’s
counsel
MILLIONAIRESS
The queen of England ’s
ADMIRAL
Yes of course
I held this position
for six years
MILLIONAIRESS
How exciting
to be honest
I’m a pacifist
I am against war
I am against everything
having to do with war
looks at everyone else
in turn
Everyone’s got to be
against war
to the cardinal
How about you your
eminence
what brings you to America
CARDINAL
I am delivering the
inaugural lecture
for a professorship in
equilbristics
The captain and Mrs
Kant re-enter and sit down
in Chicago
a favor for a friend
Moreover I have a high
regard
for American doctors
MILLIONAIRESS
All invalids are drawn
to America
American doctors
have the best reputation
In Europe there are
no longer any decent
doctors
ADMIRAL
European medicine
is no longer worth
anything
The steward opens the
fourth bottle of champagne
MRS KANT to her husband
Do you see
the hopes of all invalids
are set on America
KANT
A body can right itself
much more fully
vis-à-vis many oblique surfaces
than it can in relation to
those
that it encounters head-on
and perpendicularly
MRS KANT regarding her
husband
My husband has always
stretched his faculties to
their very limits
this is what has brought
on his glaucoma
if you know what I mean by
that
a case of glaucoma
otherwise known as the
green cataract
MILLIONAIRESS
One can’t think as deeply
for decades
as Kant has done without
being punished for it
drains her glass
CARDINAL
The dreaded green cataract
nowadays no longer leads
to total blindness
one’s so-called ocular
pressure
can now be kept safely at
bay
thanks to modern medicine
MRS KANT
I was told the same thing
by the ship’s doctor
CARDINAL
A first-rate human being
to boot
MILLIONAIRESS
A typical ship’s doctor
ADMIRAL
Doctors are the true
eccentrics
of this historical epoch
CARDINAL
I can only agree with you
on that point admiral
MRS KANT
My husband has always had
nothing but contempt for doctors
CARDINAL
Contempt of doctors
is quite common
among thinkers
MILLIONAIRESS to Kant
Who exactly was this
Leibniz person
you’re always talking
about
Over and over again you
keep mentioning his name
KANT
Mr von Leibniz
A close acquaintance of
mine
with whom I went on many
long walks
we never got tired
we understood each other
from the very beginning
like no other two people
Mrs Kant beckons the
steward over and whispers something in his ear and then slips him a banknote
With Leibniz
one heart one soul my dear
two perpetually
converging magnitudes
We made each other’s
acquaintance in Sopot
was our employer
if you know who Newton was
MILLIONAIRESS
I think I’m going to have
to bail on you
Professor Kant
to the art collector
Goya was a genius wasn’t
he
Did you know him
ART COLLECTOR
Not personally
MILLIONAIRESS
I have such an incredible
fascination
for Rembrandt
How he distributes his
colors
he always knows
where to put the colors
holds her glass out to
the steward; the steward fills it, and she drinks its entire contents at one go
Do you know
that I am planning a trip
to the North Cape
it would be too lovely
if you all went with me to
the North Cape
points at Ernst Ludwig
He looks a lot like your
Friedrich
He basically
has the same facial
features
Professor Kant
MRS KANT regarding
Ernst Ludwig
As a child
he fell from a tree
and so became mute
The Blue Danube can be heard playing in the large drawing-room
MILLIONAIRESS crying
out enthusiastically
My favorite waltz
I love the Blue Danube
The admiral stands up
and asks the millionairess to dance with him
The millionairess
exiting arm-in-arm with the admiral
My favorite waltz
The Blue Danube grows louder
KANT turns to Ernst
Ludwig, whispers to him
Do you hear anything
is he still sleeping
Ernst Ludwig peeks
under the cover of the cage and shakes his head
Kant to the cardinal
Friedrich evinces no
interest whatsoever
in merrymaking
The steward opens the
fifth bottle and pours
On these tablets
he sleeps for two hours
But I simply cannot
place Friedrich at the
mercy of this whole situation
I dreaded this journey
everywhere I go
people say
There’s Professor Kant
who has never left
Königsberg
Mankind has gone mad
Insecurity has increased
Mrs Kant whispers
something in the steward’s ear
Mankind dreads nothing
more
than itself
Security is always
only a lethal security
I now grasp for the first
time
what I am aiming for
glaucoma has
opened my eyes
Mankind has committed
treason
to the cardinal
I have been interested in
equilibristics all my life
My talent was once a
completely different talent
I was enormously talented
as an equilibrist
Truth is in equilibrium
In Chicago you say
a professorship in
equilibristics
That is an enormity
All my life I have been
interested
in the method of
equilibrium
All my life I have
suffered from
a weakness of equilibrium
don’t you know
shipwreck people
equilibrists
writers of comedies
Before the darkness enters
completely
to punish a pair of
illuminations for the crowd
witches’ curses
executions of the
intellect
My method is the total
method don’t you know
The fear of losing my
eyesight
has opened my eyes
It is nothing but a race
with waning eyesight
I hate America
everything American is
loathsome to me
In truth all the American
universities have invited me
but I have accepted none
of these invitations
My wife found out
that there are doctors in America
who specialize in glaucoma
glaucoma specialists don’t
you know
Glaucoma is still
completely unexplained
Glaucoma research is still
groping about completely in
the dark
Nothing is known about
glaucoma
But it surely has
something to do with the destruction of the soul
Basically it’s my wife
alone
who has brought me on to
this ship
in truth dragged me on to
it dragged me dragged me dragged me
I would never have
voluntarily boarded this ship
I dreaded boarding it from
the very beginning
Travel on the high seas
what a lethal concept
gentlemen
what an enormity
The Blue Danube grows louder
When I compose a lecture
it is always a lecture on
death
on illness progressing to
death don’t you know
on this process
that from here to infinity
will remain unexplained
Health is a usurpation
gentlemen
Health is an act of rape
The integral is hell
A ship’s officer
approaches with a telegram
The steward takes the
telegram from him
MRS KANT beckons the
steward over, takes the telegram from him and reads it silently, then announces
Immanuel a telegram
KANT inquiringly
A telegram
MRS KANT
A telegram
from Columbia University
KANT
Really
MRS KANT
Shall I read it out
KANT
From Columbia University
You know I pretty much
can’t see anything at all
anymore
I didn’t see anybody
delivering a telegram at
all
MRS KANT holds the
telegram aloft
Here is the telegram
here it is
KANT
A telegram from Columbia University
MRS KANT to everybody
else
May I read it to you
reads the telegram
aloud
We welcome Kant
to America
the event of the twentieth
century
Applause all around
KANT
I am bringing America reason
Applause all around
once again
MRS KANT
CAPTAIN
We must celebrate this
this bestows greatness on
our Chinese lantern party
raises his glass
To Kant
CARDINAL
And to America
all rising and
exclaiming in only vaguely approximate unison
To Kant and to America
to America and to Kant
KANT
I thank you for your
attention
If tension
is like a line
then force
is like a square
Everybody sits back
down
The integral is the hell
in which we all perish
The steward opens the
sixth bottle and pours
Regardless of
whom we deal with
it is a lethal process
But history is a feast for
the eyes
A feast for the eyes
stands up and for a
moment remains completely motionless
A feast for the eyes
gentlemen
sits back down
My wife
is the victim of this
lethal science
and Friedrich
turns towards and
points at Friedrich
its executor
Millions of asses’ ears
in my writings
Millions of asses’ ears
gentlemen
from time to time I think
I am mad
An environmental
punishment naturally
An excess
A total lack of kindness
My lectures always end
with the sentence
I thank you for your
attention
Friedrich has a command of
this sentence that is second to none
I thank you for your
attention
to the cardinal
The Church is the
beneficiary of my achievements
The Church is the murder
of nature
The Church is where
nothing but artificiality
reigns supreme
It is an enormous libel
suit
I am making this journey
in order to find my
eyesight again
for by now I am pretty
much blind
When there is virtually
nothing but shadows
reason has no foundation
whatsoever
I thank you for your
attention
FRIEDRICH
I thank you for your
attention
I thank you for your
attention
KANT turns towards
Friedrich
Do you hear
how he imitates me
he has been noting down
everything
Psittacus erithacus
the genius of numbers and
numerals
the feathered conscience
of my cognitions
the only person
whom I have ever possessed
in his entirety
orders
Ernst Ludwig
bring him here
He belongs here
He has woken up and
belongs here
Friedrich belongs here
Mrs Kant whispers
something in the steward’s ear
The cardinal whispers
something in Mrs Kant’s ear
The art collector
whispers something in Mrs Kant’s ear
Kant to the art
collector while Ernst Ludwig is carrying Friedrich
to the table
Art collector
The steward opens the
seventh bottle
You are an art collector
right
listen
takes the cage from
Ernst Ludwig and holds aloft the cage including Friedrich
Here my dear Mr Art
Collector
I offer you the greatest
work of art in the world
lowers the cage
my Friedrich
FRIEDRICH
Friedrich Friedrich
Friedrich
Ernst Ludwig takes the
cage including Friedrich from Kant
KANT exhausted
The greatest work of art
in the world
Friedrich
my Friedrich
Mrs Kant stands up and
with the help the steward makes enough room on the table for the cage to be
placed on it
Ernst Ludwig places the
cage including Friedrich on the table
Kant to the art
collector
Here take
what you have been
searching for all your life
My Friedrich
tears down the cover of
the cage with lightning speed
FRIEDRICH
Friedrich Friedrich
Friedrich
Mrs Kant whispers
something in the steward’s ear and slips him a banknote of large denomination
KANT to the captain
My captain
my Friedrich
licks his right index
finger and holds it high
Wind west-northwest
full speed ahead
STEWARD springs to
attention, saluting
Wind west-northwest
full speed ahead Professor
The admiral and the
millionairess return from the large drawing-room, in which a waltz is being
loudly played
The admiral goes to the
table and sits down
THE MILLIONAIRESS now
almost completely drunk, walks up to Kant and spreads her arms
Ladies’ choice Professor
Kant ladies’ choice
FRIEDRICH
Ladies’ choice ladies’
choice ladies’ choice
MILLIONAIRESS
Ladies’ choice Professor
Kant
Kant rises from the
table
The millionairess takes
him in her arms
Ladies’ choice Professor
Kant
come along
MRS KANT
Go on then
Go on
CARDINAL
Kant is dancing
Kant is dancing
ADMIRAL
This is quite
inconceivable
CARDINAL
Kant is dancing
The millionairess leads
Kant into the large drawing-room
Everybody gazes after the
two of them
FRIEDRICH screeching
loudly
Kant is dancing Kant is
dancing Kant is dancing
Disembarkation
The captain, steward,
substeward, ship’s officers, and sailors are lined up on board to take leave of
the passengers
The steam-whistles
sound
On shore are people
awaiting passengers; among the expectants are doctors and male nurses from a New York mental hospital
The cardinal appears
first and is taken leave of
by the captain
Sailors carrying the
cardinal’s luggage follow him
down the gangway and
ashore
The steam-whistles
sound twice
The cardinal is
followed by Sunshine, the art collector
and other passengers
The steam-whistles
sound three times
The next to leave is
the millionairess with her entourage
Then Kant with Mrs Kant,
immediately followed by Ernst Ludwig with Friedrich in his cage, as the
steam-whistles sound three more times
The steward and some
sailors carry Kant’s luggage
MRS KANT stopping
halfway down the gangway and pointing to the shore with her outstretched right
arm
Look
the delegation from Columbia University
A brass band on shore
strikes up
The steward walks down
to Mrs Kant and helps her keep her balance
KANT
Really
a delegation from Columbia University
Kant and his entourage
disembark
ONE OF THE TWO DOCTORS walks
up to Kant and asks
Professor Kant
KANT, surveying his
surroundings with head held high, replies proudly and distinctly
You recognized me
The steam-whistles
sound three times
The doctor takes Kant
by the arm and leads him offstage
The nurses follow them
The End
*Passages in blue are indebted in whole or part to IanJohnston’s translation of Kant’s AllgemeineNaturgeschichte und Theorie Des Himmels.
Translation unauthorized but ©2012 by Douglas Robertson
Source: Stücke 2 (Frankfurt: Suhrkamp, 1988)
1 comment:
Great work sir! Thanks a lot. Your work is worth appreciation as always.
Post a Comment