A Translation of Immanuel Kant by Thomas Bernhard

(For a PDF version of this translation, go to The Worldview Annex.)

…which isn’t to say

that one must imitate life in the theater…

[Ce qui ne veut pas dire qu’il faut faire de la vie au théâtre.]

                                                Antonin Artaud

Dramatis Personae

KANT

KANT’S WIFE

ERNST LUDWIG

FRIEDRICH, a parrot

THE MILLIONAIRESS

THE CAPTAIN

THE ADMIRAL
THE ART COLLECTOR
THE STEWARD

THE SUBSTEWARD

THE COOK

THE SHIP’S OFFICERS

SAILORS

PASSENGERS

DOCTORS

MALE NURSES

MUSICIANS

On the High Seas

Foredeck

Two folding-chairs, six non-folding chairs

The steward is standing behind the right folding-chair and saluting

Enter Kant and his wife, followed by Ernst Ludwig (carrying the covered cage containing Friedrich in his right hand, and a bag of birdseed in his left) 

Steam-whistles sound

STEWARD springing to attention

Good morning, Professor Kant

Kant steps in front of him, appraises the folding-chair

Wind west-

northwest

Professor Kant

MRS KANT

It’s cool today

to the steward

today you must cover up my husband

especially well

STEWARD

Wind west-northwest

Excellent weather conditions

excellent Professor

steam-whistles sound

Mrs Kant

I have personally consulted the chief meteorologist

turning to Kant

on your instructions Professor Kant

KANT

All possible gradations

of eccentricity

from those of planets

to those of comets

MRS KANT

Last night my husband requested

a second blanket

but nobody brought him

a second blanket

He has suffered since his sixth year

Steam-whistles sound

from a tendency to catch colds

KANT

Nature works here

as it does elsewhere

through imperceptible stages*

imperceptible

the steward and Mrs Kant adjust Kant’s folding-chair

steam-whistles sound

Kant observing the two of them

I am talking about the precisely circular motion

of the elementary

particle

albeit about the purposelessness

of nature

ladies and gentlemen

suddenly, while Mrs Kant and the steward are adjusting Kant’s folding-chair, to Ernst Ludwig

Don’t remove the cover abruptly

don’t do it abruptly

Friedrich’s eyesight

is priceless

So-called scribes

and parrots

have the most sensitive eyesight

The true philosopher

in himself

Slowly

quite slowly

only little by little

should you remove his cover

peremptorily

Set him down

Ernst Ludwig makes as if to set the cage down in a non-folding chair

Not there

not in that chair

in the chair next to my chair

Friedrich in the closest proximity

points with his cane at the non-folding chair next to his folding-chair

put him there

FRIEDRICH

There there

KANT

Naturally there

Ernst Ludwig sets the cage down in the non-folding chair next to

Kant’s folding-chair

MRS KANT

Such an intelligent

such a supremely philosophical animal

KANT

Psittacus erithacus

the philosopher in himself

of himself

FRIEDRICH

Psittacus erithacus

MRS KANT

He looked quite listless

this morning

but then my husband said his name

My husband said Friedrich Friedrich Friedrich

KANT

Friedrich

FRIEDRICH

Imperative imperative imperative

Ernst Ludwig makes as if to tug at the cover of the cage

KANT striking him on the finger with his cane

No not

like that

Cautiously

little by little

FRIEDRICH

Little by little

cautiously

KANT

Everybody’s making such

oafish hand-gestures

and disturbing

and frightening him

MRS KANT to Kant

Aren’t you going to sit down

KANT as if he has not heard her

Specifically

with a gentleness of touch

sensitively

tugs gently at the cover of the cage

to Ernst Ludwig

circumspectly

tug at the cover

extremely circumspectly

only little by little

can the light

penetrate the cage

Psittacus erithacus

is the most sensitive of species

MRS KANT to Ernst Ludwig in an accusing tone

Ernst Ludwig

you’ve been with us fully twenty-five years now

and you still don’t know how to

take the cover off the cage

Ernst Ludwig joins Kant in tugging at the cover of the cage

KANT

Like this

little by little

Ernst Ludwig starts tugging slightly faster

Kant strikes him on the finger

Slowly I say

The two of them tug at the cover

Kant suddenly

Not yet

not yet

MRS KANT to Kant

Do sit down

KANT steps up to his folding-chair

The further

the dispersed parts

of the original material

are from the sun

the weaker the force

that induces them to sink down

sits down in the folding-chair

Oh no

tries to stand back up but is unable to do so on his own

Mrs Kant and the steward help him

Sometimes it seems to me that

I hear downright poorly

On the other hand

the more poorly I see

the better I hear

A one-of-a-kind race

for eyesight

America

my one and only hope

to the steward

Everything in order

steam-whistles sound

on the high seas

STEWARD springing to attention

Everything in order

on the high seas

KANT sits back down, and his folding-chair is adjusted, then

I must

have the ideal line

licks his right index finger and holds it high in the air

West-northwest

ideal line

STEWARD springing to attention

West-northwest

ideal line

FRIEDRICH

Ideal line ideal line

MRS KANT to Ernst Ludwig

Pull Friedrich

up here right next to my husband

Ernst Ludwig pulls Friedrich up right next to Kant

Now that Friedrich is up here right next to him

my husband will find the ideal line

KANT as if searching for the ideal line, with outstretched arms

The ideal line

Now I have the ideal line

FRIEDRICH

Imperative imperative imperative

KANT leaning back

Back

to the origins of the celestial bodies

into the primeval matter

My name is Leibniz he said

Down

into the fundus of history

Possibly

the constriction of the pupil

is traceable to overexertion

The steward swathes Kant’s upper body and lower body in two blankets each

The view

of the causes

suddenly

Columbia University

is awarding me an honorary doctorate

awarding

to the Steward

There are no better

ophthalmologists

than the ophthalmologists

of Columbia University

It is no accident that I have received

an invitation from the very university

that has the best ophthalmologists in the world

Kant will not lose his eyesight

Between one and two in the morning

my wife reads to me

my new Estimation of the Vital Forces

An absurdity

on the high seas

but by means of it I am better able to put up with the turbines

This hour of reading has become absolutely essential

Laws have no bearing

on any instances of motion

in the absence of a consideration of their velocity

exclaims

Eccentric

Luxury fanatic

suddenly

It is so deep

much too deep

The steward and Mrs Kant adjust Kant’s folding-chair

Eccentricity

is the most aristocratic of distinguishing traits

among comets

tugs slowly at the cover of the cage to the astonishment

of Ernst Ludwig

Psittacus erithacus

inspects Friedrich

Everything in order

KANT to Friedrich

The proceedings have commenced

FRIEDRICH

The proceedings have commenced

KANT to Ernst Ludwig

Sit down

you blockhead

to Mrs Kant

Do sit down my dear

with the assistance of Ernst Ludwig suddenly covers Friedrich

back up, licking his right index finger and

holding it up

West-northwest

Full speed ahead

STEWARD springing to attention

West-northwest

full speed ahead

Mrs Kant and Ernst Ludwig sit down

KANT

Jupiter

Mars

Mercury

Central force

Ernst Ludwig stands up and adjusts the cover of the cage and sits back down

Eccentricity

because the sun’s axial rotation

does not yet by a long way

equal Mercury’s velocity,

cocks an ear towards Friedrich 

FRIEDRICH

Does not yet

by a long way equal

KANT

Approximate

orbital velocity

Heat

to Mrs Kant

You should not have eaten

the stew yesterday evening

to Ernst Ludwig

The conscience of the world

is dead in you

conclusively dead

MRS KANT

Ernst Ludwig’s sister

is dead

writes her husband

KANT to Ernst Ludwig

Be of good cheer

on the high seas

no possibility

of attending a funeral

How old was your sister

ERNST LUDWIG

Thirty-seven

KANT

Thirty-seven

As old as a cat’s tongue is long

as old as a cat’s tongue is long

cocks an ear towards Friedrich

FRIEDRICH

As old as a cat’s tongue is long

as old as a cat’s tongue is long

Mrs Kant beckons the steward over to her side and whispers something in his ear

KANT simultaneously to Friedrich

Demons

which are according to nature

The resistance of all parts

the particle of the original material

West-northwest

FRIEDRICH

West-northwest

MRS KANT to the steward

Bring us the menu

The steward makes as if to leave

Mrs Kant calls him back

Listen steward

The steward turns back to Mrs Kant

Mrs Kant while Kant whispers something to Friedrich

My husband would like some tripe

Tripe

do you understand

whispers something into the steward’s ear

KANT, diverted once again by Friedrich, and gazing out at the ocean, speaks at the same time as his wife

A person who has gone blind

always hears more excellently

FRIEDRICH

More excellently more excellently

KANT

Leibniz

my name is Leibniz

said Leibniz

Exit steward

MRS KANT

This evening

there’s going to be an engagement party on board

KANT

An engagement party

MRS KANT

The millionairess

is treating the betrothed to a marzipan torte

that is three meters in diameter

KANT

I have the ideal line

MRS KANT

Three meters in diameter

exactly one hundred seventy-six centimeters tall

like the groom-to-be

do you know who the groom-to-be is

KANT

The optical illusion

of the nineteen comets is deceptive

FRIEDRICH

Deceptive

MRS KANT

The mineral collector from Gelsenkirchen

is the groom-to-be

And do you know

who she is

FRIEDRICH

A baroness from Clairvaux

from Clairvaux

KANT

The specific density of the stuff

is always the same

MRS KANT

The millionairess is traveling

to America for the third time

she has been working on raising the Titanic

for twenty years

Her grandmother

went down with the Titanic

and with her grandmother sank

all the family jewels

The millionairess is from Ludwigsburg

FRIEDRICH

Ludwigsburg Ludwigsburg Ludwigsburg

KANT inquiringly

From Ludwigsburg

MRS KANT

Coal coke metal

KANT to Friedrich

Psittacus erithacus

FRIEDRICH

Psittacus erithacus

MRS KANT

She makes linocuts

she has even once produced

an exhibition of her linocuts in America

KANT

The optical illusion

of the nineteen comets is deceptive

MRS KANT

She says

she knows you

Moreover the captain has read

your Eccentricity of the Planetary Orbits

On the last evening

before our arrival in America

we shall be his guests

at the Chinese lantern party

at his dinner table

along with the cardinal

and the admiral

and with Friedrich naturally

and Ernst Ludwig naturally

KANT

And Ernst Ludwig naturally

Enter the steward, who gives Mrs Kant the menu

Kant suddenly, sitting up

That is too deep

much too deep

Steam-whistles sound

I must have the ideal line

The steward adjusts Kant’s folding-chair

Kant loses patience with Ernst Ludwig and strikes him with his cane on

the knee

Why are you sitting there

and gaping like that

help the steward

FRIEDRICH

Help the steward help the steward

Ernst Ludwig leaps up and helps the steward

KANT

Do you think

I pay you to do nothing

Ernst Ludwig has fallen to his knees before Kant and is swathing Kant’s feet in the blankets

Kant is holding his cane with its bottom tip touching Ernst Ludwig    

Creatures like you are all paid

for doing nothing but loaf about

We hired you to be our servant

Friedrich and I

but we are paying for the services of an idiot

you aren’t even worth the headpieces

that I have given you during the twenty-five years

that you have been with us

to Mrs Kant

How long has Ernst Ludwig been in my

and in Friedrich’s

and in our employ how long

MRS KANT

Twenty-five years

KANT exclamatorily

Twenty-five years

to Ernst Ludwig

You are every bit as imbecilic as you were on the first day

You still can’t ever manage

to wrap my feet properly

and when I tell you

to stir my pap every morning

you never manage to do it

to say nothing of your performance of the rest of your duties

Friedrich deserved a better servant

to the others

I’m obliged to be constantly worrying

that this idiot

who has been carrying my priceless Friedrich

behind me for fully twenty-five years

will drop my Friedrich

and then my Friedrich will be dead

One fine day

he’s going to drop him

thwacks Ernst Ludwig on his upper back and addresses him in a hectoring tone

and then it’ll be time

for the likes of you to settle up

Right now time is on your side

but the day is already in sight

when everything will gang up on you      

and on imbeciles everywhere

licks his right index finger and holds it high

West-northwest

precisely west-northwest

STEWARD

West-northwest Professor Kant

KANT

Kant

on the high seas

Kant has

never left

Königsberg

they say

Where Kant is is Königsberg

STEWARD with a bolster

What about your bolster

Professor

MRS KANT

Give him the bolster

FRIEDRICH

Bolster bolster bolster

KANT

Give me the bolster

The steward places the bolster under Kant’s neck

The earth has something of its own

that we may liken to the dispersal of

the comic vapors and their tails

Turns to Friedrich and whispers something in his ear

MRS KANT at the same time

From time to time my husband

suffers from the thinning of the air

KANT with his head raised

The key-date

will be a Tuesday

FRIEDRICH
Will be a Tuesday

MRS KANT immersed in the menu

On Tuesday we’re arriving

STEWARD springs to attention

If all goes well

we’ll arrive on Tuesday

KANT licks his right index finger and holds it high

West-northwest isn’t it

STEWARD

West-northwest Professor Kant

exit the steward

KANT to his wife

You should not have eaten

the stew

When on the high seas

every rational human being

eats high sea food

You eat continental food

Your fatty diet

is your curse

cocks an ear towards the cage

Psittacus erithacus

is the most intelligent species

For example

seventeen years ago

I dictated the following sentence to him

There is no such thing

as a unique unconditioned universal

fundamental principle of all truths

Yesterday he repeated this sentence to me

verbatim

absolutely verbatim

The Steward approaches with a bundle of old newspapers

How old are those newspapers

STEWARD

Six weeks old Professor

KANT

Then they’re fine

I make it a fundamental principle to read only newspapers

that are at least four weeks old

six weeks old

is even better

The steward gives the newspapers to Mrs Kant

These old newspapers

have a salutary effect

they occasion absolutely no aggravation of one’s condition

Naturally

from the outside world’s point of view

I am

depending on the age of the newspapers

four or five or six weeks behind

The most recent events

are long since forgotten

to the steward

At first

thirty years ago

my wife read to me

only from French papers

twenty years ago she suddenly switched to nothing but English papers

nowadays I no longer read any newspapers but the German ones

I have never had any ambition

to read Portuguese papers

for instance

to Ernst Ludwig

Have you thoroughly mixed the birdseed

show it to me

Ernst Ludwig leaps up and towards Kant

Kant pointing at the bag

Open it

I want to see

if you have thoroughly mixed the seed

psittacus erithacus

FRIEDRICH

Psittacus erithacus

KANT

If he tacitly

mind you tacitly condensed

several sentences into one

he merely

simulated the illusion

of a simple fundamental principle

Ernst Ludwig opens the bag and lets Kant peer into it

Kant inquiringly

Half-and-half

ERNST LUDWIG

Half-and-half

KANT

Professor Drahgut

maintained

that the seed should be pulverized

He was wrong

Psittacus erithacus

must partake of entire undamaged kernels

By now the so-called zoologists

have brought about the degeneration of the entire animal kingdom

to the steward

On Sundays

my Friedrich receives

a toasted breakfast-roll

he consumes it with the greatest gusto

I once said that to Professor Drahgut

My Psittacus erithacus

consumes for breakfast

a toasted roll I said

Drahgut didn’t believe me

And so I invited Professor Drahgut

to breakfast

He was able with his own eyes to attest to the fact

that Friedrich is capable

of consuming a toasted roll

FRIEDRICH

Drahgut Drahgut Drahgut

KANT

That was the only time

that I put Friedrich on display to a professor

This man naturally had

a devastating effect on Friedrich

to Ernst Ludwig

You must inspect the seed

for Friedrich

inspect every single kernel with the utmost meticulousness

exclaims

so that he doesn’t swallow any stones

At the very top

remember

you once slipped a stone

ERNST LUDWIG

A pebble

KANT

Nonsense a stone

into the bag 

whether out of inattentiveness

and therefore completely accidentally

or deliberately

I do not know

to the steward

Friedrich would have

almost

choked to death on it

FRIEDRICH

Choked to death choked to death choked to death

KANT

You should have seen the pallor

Friedrich’s pallor

Ernst Ludwig makes as if to close the bag

Kant stops him from doing so and takes a sample kernel

from the bag

I always sample a kernel

from the bag

ever since Ernst Ludwig

slipped Friedrich a stone in the bag

sticks the kernel into his mouth and chews it thoroughly

to Ernst Ludwig

Are these the Brazilian seeds

or the ones from Guatemala

FRIEDRICH

The ones from Guatemala

KANT

In other words the Guatemalan seeds

Ernst Ludwig nods

Actually the seeds

from Guatemala

are more wholesome

than the Brazilian seeds

more wholesome and cheaper

directly to the steward

It happens quite often

that something is more wholesome

and at the same time cheaper

The most expensive thing is not always

also the most wholesome thing

he is quite visibly ruminating

Seed from Guatemala

for Friedrich

suddenly, loudly, and declaratively

In the end we are

on a luxury liner

to the steward

Initially I couldn’t

make up my mind

whether to opt

for the Corocopsis vasa

FRIEDRICH

Coracopsis vasa

KANT

Or for the Psittacus erithacus

FRIEDRICH

Psittacus erithacus

KANT

The Coracopsis vasa

lives even longer

Numerous specimens

have surpassed the age of sixty

to Friedrich

In two years

we’ll celebrate your fiftieth birthday

Possibly

on the high seas

who knows

looks around

I shall charter

an even much larger ship

for that birthday celebration

to the steward regarding Friedrich

He likes it best

when my wife reads to me

and hence also to him

from the Nürnberger Nachrichten

that amuses him

it makes him almost laugh himself to death

The more serious the article

the greater the danger     

that he’ll laugh himself to death

licks his right index finger and holds it high

West-northwest

full speed ahead

STEWARD springing to attention

West-northwest

full speed ahead

KANT to Mrs Kant

We can begin

cocks an ear towards the cage

regarding Friedrich

His attentiveness

is superlative

No human being

is possessed of such powers of attention

Steam-whistles sound

My most significant my most important lectures

I have delivered to Friedrich

I know why Friedrich

whenever I deliver a lecture

is always at the very front of the audience

even in front of my academic colleagues

Steam-whistles sound

to the steward

That is why Friedrich

is the arch-loathee

most of all university professors loathe him

because he always sits

in the foremost place

The professors envy him

his attentiveness

Nothing escapes his notice

whereas virtually everything

escapes the notice of scholars

From the very beginning

I have always traveled

only with Friedrich

secretly

naturally

throughout Germany

It is said

that Kant has not

left Königsberg

but where Kant is

is Königsberg

Königsberg is

Where Kant is

to Friedrich

Where is Königsberg

FRIEDRICH

Where Kant is

KANT

And where is Kant

FRIEDRICH

Kant is where Königsberg is

KANT inquiringly

Psittacus erithacus

Humanity

is monosyllabicity

in itself

If the contrary of something

is affirmed

it is itself denied

If the contrary of something

is true

the something is itself false

Leibniz he said

Professor Leibniz

FRIEDRICH

Leibniz Leibniz

KANT

Leibniz was afraid

of Friedrich

Leibniz turned down

a chance to give a lecture in Königsberg

because he couldn’t bear

Friedrich’s presence

On account of Friedrich

Leibniz

refused

A man suffering from seasickness is led past Kant

and his companions by a steward

Seasickness is

evidence

of everything

to Ernst Ludwig

From now on

buy only

the Guatemalan birdseed

no more of the Brazilian

ERNST LUDWIG

None of the Brazilian

KANT raises his head

As though the wind

were changing direction

Licks his right index finger and

holds it high in the air

Wind west-northwest

STEWARD

Wind west-northwest

full speed ahead

Professor

KANT

They say

to go ashore in America on a Tuesday

is bad luck

MRS KANT bursting into laughter

For you

it’s good luck

Immanuel

good luck for you

What’s bad luck for others

is pure good luck for you

KANT musingly

Surely the professors are expecting me

in black

But I shall disembark

in white

to all present

We shall all

disembark in white

white

white

With the exception of Ernst Ludwig

who must disembark in black

MRS KANT

Ernst Ludwig in black

why Ernst Ludwig

In particular

KANT

Because his sister has died

MRS KANT

But Immanuel

If that’s the reason

shouldn’t he already be wearing black on board

KANT

Possibly in this case

a black band

on his right arm

will suffice

MRS KANT

Where are we supposed

to get hold of a black suit for Ernst Ludwig

KANT

On a first-class luxury liner

like this one

even black suits in all sizes

can be scrounged up

on a luxury liner like this one

nothing is impossible

directly to Mrs Kant

But you’re right

a black armband will do

sew him a black armband

MRS KANT

But of course Immanuel

KANT

His sister’s death

obligates him to wear

a black armband at minimum

at minimum

ERNST LUDWIG

At minimum

KANT to Ernst Ludwig

What did she die of

ERNST LUDWIG

Of the garden shovel

KANT

Of the garden shovel

ERNST LUDWIG

The garden shovel

broke her head

KANT

An absurd death

to have one’s head broken

by a garden shovel

A single clumsy move

and the garden shovel

breaks one’s head

to the steward

We are traveling

as you know

for the first time

to America

I never had any desire

to go to America

A trip to America is an act of perversity

I am taking this one only

for my wife’s sake

She has dreamed

of doing this all her life

Now when Columbia University

has made an honorary doctor of you

you have to go to America

she said to me

and I unhesitatingly acquiesced

Can you believe it

I acquiesced without hesitation

I was planning on traveling with nothing

just with my head and with Friedrich

and with Ernst Ludwig naturally

but now we’ve got this huge pile of luggage

women always travel with huge suitcases

A tasteless habit naturally

For my part

I am content

if I can change my clothes

every two days

Everything that is not

is not

Everything that is

is

The principle of identity

you must be familiar with it

cocks an ear towards the cage

Occasionally I think

he is stone dead

but then I discover

that his intensity is at its highest pitch

to the steward

When I hear nothing

literally nothing

his intensity is at its highest pitch

He mistrusts my wife

he abhors

the female sex

My wife is unique in having once

expressed a snide opinion about Friedrich

Nobody else has ever dared to do that

my wife once dared

to belittle Friedrich

In Sopot my wife

belittled Friedrich

but I brought my wife

to justice

before Friedrich

she was obliged to apologize to Friedrich

since then my wife has not been allowed

to comb Friedrich

a privilege

that my wife enjoyed for thirty years

Only Ernst Ludwig is permitted to comb Friedrich

Friedrich is combed

every day between five and half-past five in the morning

One time my wife wanted to varnish his talons

which would have almost driven me mad

only a woman can

think up such a piece of perversity

At night I lock up Friedrich’s room

with my own hands I lock up

Friedrich’s room at night

and Ernst Ludwig guards it

Here on the ship

we naturally have difficulties

with our living arrangements

I would not have made the voyage

if I had not managed to get

an extra cabin for Friedrich

a virtually totally soundproof cabin

as Friedrich absolutely cannot tolerate any noise at night

psittacus erithacus

needs absolute nocturnal silence

the most difficult thing to obtain on a ship at sea

My wife fell in love with Friedrich

thirty years ago

I gave her an ultimatum

either or

she had been obliged to renounce Friedrich

In Königsberg word of this affair had gotten around

I sent my wife to Sopot for a year

during this period I was alone with my Friedrich

it was the happiest period of my life

to the steward suddenly

Full speed ahead

STEWARD springing to attention

Full speed ahead Professor

KANT

An operation

would prove everything naturally

an operation that enabled me to see

the inside of Friedrich’s head

I would have complete proof

directly to the steward

This head keeps in storage everything

that has ever been said to it

a head as completely ordered as this one has no peer

If only I could see the inside of this head

and could hold it fast

I would have complete proof

FRIEDRICH suddenly agitated

Imperative imperative imperative

KANT

I pondered whether to take this American trip with Friedrich

very thoroughly and at great length

There would actually

be no risk

in sending Friedrich by himself

to the world’s universities he is capable

of providing an unsurpassable summary

of everything I have ever said and thought

cocking an ear towards the cage

It is merely out of self-conceit

that science refuses to have anything to do

with such an adventure

On behalf of Kant

I shall summarize

for example

the principle of contradiction

I can hear Friedrich saying that

to Friedrich

What do you say

at the conclusion of your lecture

FRIEDRICH

I thank you for your attention

KANT

Everything that is

is

Everything that is not

Is not

The world is the reverse side

of the world

Truth the reverse side

of truth

to the steward regarding Friedrich

He lives entirely

in my conceptual world

He abhors

what I abhor

He calls to account

what I call to account

suddenly

What is the date of these newspapers anyway

STEWARD

The twenty-fifth

KANT

In other words the twenty-fifth of August

STEWARD

Naturally Professor Kant

KANT

Then today is

the twenty-fifth of September

to Mrs Kant

How my eyes long for

the next rainy day

This constant sunlight

almost completely blinds me

If my eyes were my sole consideration

I would spend the entire voyage

below deck

in my cabin

But I believe that in the cabin

I would suffocate

Friedrich too suffers

in his cabin

from a fear of suffocation

to Ernst Ludwig

Can’t you see

that my feet are freezing

to the steward and his fellow-sitters

He can’t see it

He has the best eyes

and sees nothing

Ernst Ludwig leaps up and swathes

Kant’s feet more tightly in the blankets

Servants

suffer from absolute blindness

even though

as has been proved

they have the best eyes

they see everything

and nothing

kicks at the blankets and Ernst Ludwig is obliged

to swathe Kant’s feet once more

FRIEDRICH loudly

Imperative imperative imperative

KANT

Never in my life

could I have dreamed

of undertaking a voyage like this one

It’s a question of saving my eyesight

Mrs Kant whispers something in the steward’s ear

A tiny incision

in the iris

a trifling procedure

MRS KANT

You are bringing America reason

America is giving you eyesight

KANT

Kant is going

to America

in order to save his eyesight

MRS KANT

All America

is expecting you

The newspapers

are full of articles about you

KANT

Columbus discovered America

America has discovered Kant

Mrs Kant whispers something in the steward’s ear

Ernst Ludwig’s right arm

is actually

fatter than

his left one

because he has been carrying

Friedrich’s cage for fully thirty years

Mrs Kant bursts out laughing

Kant licks his finger

and holds it high

West-northwest

full speed ahead

STEWARD snaps to attention, salutes

Wind west-northwest

full speed ahead

FRIEDRICH

Full speed ahead

KANT

The president of the United States

will attend my first lecture

I believe he understands

a great deal about music

one of the few musical personalities

in America

to the steward

I naturally always employ

indirect inferential methods

MRS KANT to the steward

Behind our house

we have built for Friedrich

a house of his own

in which everything is tropical

KANT

Tropical

subtropical

MRS KANT

Every Saturday

Friedrich is in the tropics

KANT

The native habitat

of psittacus erithacus

Guinea Angola

Lake Victoria don’t you know

To Friedrich

Your native habitat

FRIEDRICH

Native habitat native habitat

KANT

Everything

whose contrary is false

is true

FRIEDRICH

I thank you for your attention

KANT suddenly to the steward

Are there icebergs around here

STEWARDS

No iceberg

Professor Kant

KANT

Who says

there isn’t

when they say there’s

no iceberg

there’s an iceberg

Just think of the Titanic

FRIEDRICH

Titanic Titanic

KANT cocking an ear towards the cage

All those people

with their luxury

who went down with the ship

The dance-band played

while everyone was going under

to the Steward

Aren’t you ever afraid of going

down with the ship

Are you a swimmer

STEWARD

I am a non-swimmer

Professor Kant

KANT exclaims

A non-swimmer

He is a non-swimmer

In your place I’d be worried

night and day

I am a swimmer

I have always been a good swimmer

My wife is a non-swimmer

Ernst Ludwig too can swim

to Friedrich

And Friedrich can fly

if need be

he will soar above us all

Mrs Kant whispers something in the steward’s ear

The first person here

who will go under

is Ernst Ludwig

to Mrs Kant

I can just see you

clinging to Ernst Ludwig

and Ernst Ludwig dragging you down

What a tragic end

to steward

Tell me

how many lifeboats

are here and ready to go

STEWARD

Twenty-two lifeboats

Professor

KANT

Women and children first

Ah

covers his eyes with both hands

how my eyes ache

I certainly

do not deserve glaucoma

Eyesight

is the most important thing

without my eyesight

my head will also be lost

adrift

MRS KANT has been studying the menu for some time

to the steward

See to it that my husband’s veal is minced

No sauce

no salad

KANT removes his hands from his eyes and gazes

out at the ocean

Everything is cloudy

cloudy

cloudy

cloudy

MRS KANT

I’ll have the steak as it is

peppered

FRIEDRICH

Peppered

Ernst Ludwig has stood up and is making as if to remove

the cover of the cage

KANT angrily

Don’t you dare

remove that cover

Even I

following Friedrich’s lead

now suffer under exposure to bright light

Ernst Ludwig sits back down, places the bag of birdseed between his knees

Entirely different thoughts

on the high seas

than on dry land

Mrs Kant whispers something in the steward’s ear

One’s head affirms

what it has denied

cocks an ear towards the cage and remains in this posture for a while, then

Tuesday my fateful day

which is also your fateful day

Mrs Kant whispers something in the steward’s ear 

Exit steward with the menu

Kant to Friedrich

We belong together

no matter

what the world thinks

the world thinks

nothing but impudent twaddle

MRS KANT to Ernst Ludwig

Straighten

my husband’s head

Ernst Ludwig leaps up and straightens Kant’s head

KANT to Mrs Kant

I think

I’m coming

to America

at exactly the right time

At bottom I am

a hater of Americanism

I have always detested Americanism

For decades I have been turning them down

now I’m going to America

In this case anyone would go

Americanism

is to blame for the end of the world

irascibly to Ernst Ludwig

You’re hurting me you know

Haven’t I taught you

all those ways of gripping the head

thirty years

and the result is this catastrophe

I once saw

your sister

a lovely child

It’s incredible

that she was your sister

Grace incarnate

and you

are brimming over with blockheadedness

She with her nerves of exceptional acuity

and you with the antithesis

Pushes him away

to Friedrich

We haven’t managed to find anybody better

than this blockhead

Either

he gives you the seed to early

or too late

People of this stripe

Ernst Ludwig sits down

have no sense of timing

they are totally anti-sensibilitistic

anti-sensibilitistic

MRS KANT leafing through the newspapers

More assassinations

are you listening

The prime minister of Cambodia

has been assassinated

KANT

All my life I have been against newspapers

all my life I have devoured them absorbed them

Mrs Kant bursts out laughing

Why are you laughing

MRS KANT

It’s this caricature

KANT

Everything is a caricature

MRS KANT bursts out laughing

A completely inaccurate weather forecast

For the month of August

bad weather is predicted

KANT bursts out laughing, then

To pursue the chain of truths

all the way to its last link

The overthrow of all governments

is immediately imminent

Leibniz said Leibniz

my name is Leibniz

to Ernst Ludwig

The signature trait of you and the likes of you

is refractoriness

with which you have contrived to get yourself

and the likes of yourself paid

Socialism

is lethal

Society has committed

suicide

in following the path of socialism

society has completely

misunderstood socialism

I am a socialist

the only true the only real socialist

everybody else is in error

And communism

is a faddish delusion

Marx a ne’er-do-well

That poor feebleminded sap Lenin

completely misunderstood me

All those people

were nothing but born novelists

who never exercised their proper genius

suddenly laughs

May I speak to the cook

I must speak to the cook

to Mrs Kant

the cook must come here

he must come here

Enter STEWARD, who salutes

Do you desire something Professor Kant

KANT

I must speak to the cook

to the head chef

I will tolerate no cumin

in my cumin soup

Get the head chef up here this instant

Mrs Kant whispers something into the steward’s ear

Exit steward

Kant to Ernst Ludwig

These ship’s cooks are insidious

there is nothing more insidious

than a ship’s cook

On the high seas one must keep one’s wits about one

vis-à-vis the food

that the ship’s cooks cook

MRS KANT

But you’ve already spoken yesterday

with the ship’s cook

with the head chef

KANT

I must speak with him every day

I want to see him every day

in all these people a dangerous transformation is always underway

and they are apt to start doing what they want all of a sudden

Enter steward with the ship’s cook

Kant to the ship’s cook

Are you the chef

the ship’s head chef

SHIP’S COOK

At your service Professor Kant

Kant’s wife beckons the steward over and slips him

a banknote

KANT looks at his pocket watch

to the ship’s cook

Soup

is deadly

don’t you agree

A deadly substance

literally a deadly substance

SHIP’S COOK looks around, then repeats

A deadly substance

KANT

I know several kings

who have died

from an excess of cumin in their soup

You know

what I’m driving at

cocking an ear towards the cage

to Friedrich

It’s a good thing that you’re provided for by Ernst Ludwig’s bag

to the ship’s cook

Before I eat a spoonful

my wife must eat a spoonful

I’ve been insisting on this

for fifty years

holding up his right index finger threateningly

Cooks are the most dangerous of all people

No cumin in my soup

After a pause, during which everybody glances at one another

and no hair

You may go

Exit cook

Kant calls him back

Chef

Chef

Ship’s cook turns around, remains stationary

How many cumin seeds are there usually

in one bowl of soup

SHIP’S COOK inquiringly

In one bowl of soup

KANT

Don’t say

how many

Keep on calmly cooking

Soon the fish of the Atlantic

will be pretty much inedible

to the steward

Do you know that

the more of them that are caught

the more poisonous they are

My wife couldn’t care less

that eels have become downright unpalatable

Herrings are absolute life-shorteners

Mrs Kant whispers something in the steward’s ear

Kant to the steward

The problem

in all epochs

has been the holes in the nets

A cousin of mine

imported sea fish

into the Alps

He was the inventor of the refrigerator car

There is a monument to him in Innsbruck

suddenly

But it has not yet been unveiled

looks around

At every moment I think

the ship will burst

quite simply burst asunder

and that we all will all fall through

to the bottom of the ocean

FRIEDRICH

Imperative imperative imperative

KANT

Every single life

is of the greatest importance

looks around

MRS KANT

Perhaps it will be better

if he eats a puree

Steam-whistles sound

a finely-whipped puree

KANT

Logic teaches

that nothing is more easily digested

than a puree

or tripe

Enter the secondary steward, who whispers something in the steward’s ear

Mrs Kant bursts out laughing and violently folds shut a newspaper

Steam-whistles sound

STEWARD to Kant

Dinner is served Professor Kant

Everybody rises and goes to dinner

Ernst Ludwig packs up the cage and exits last

KANT stopping halfway to the exit, licking his right index finger and holding it high

Steam-whistles sound

West-northwest

STEWARD saluting

Wind west-northwest

full speed ahead

Middle Deck

Several folding-chairs and non-folding chairs

Mrs Kant and the millionairess are promenading together

MILLIONAIRESS

There are many famous people

on board

Their pretended anonymity

does nothing to conceal them from the crowd

Word has already gotten around

that Kant is on board

laughs

If this trip isn’t productive

the next one will be

My grandmother

a born advertising poster

coal coke metal don’t you know

with ambitions to be a pianist

traveled with the full coffer of family jewels

on the Titanic

The steam-whistles sound three times

She had always said

that she would die on the high seas

The iceberg literally cut

the Titanic wide open

Lloyds must quite simply raise the Titanic

I will stake everything

on the raising of the Titanic

My late husband

on his deathbed made me swear to him

that I would stop at nothing

to see the Titanic raised

In any case it is Lloyds solemn duty

Kant on board

Isn’t this an enormity

They say he’s never left Königsberg

All very witty people

The steam-whistles sound three times

I have spoken with the steward

We’ll be dining at the captain’s table

with the cardinal with the admiral

at the Chinese lantern party

Dreadful

I keep thinking about the iceberg

I didn’t sleep a wink all night

after the cardinal’s story

on the one hand I was all ears

on the other hand I was drinking whisky nonstop

The ship’s doctor says that a couple of glasses in the evening

won’t do me any harm

On a voyage like this

one must quite simply

surrender to the pleasures it affords

suddenly, while inspecting Mrs Kant’s dress

What a lovely dress

a proper sea-dress

Every morning I am in the greatest perplexity

when I think to myself

what ever am I going to wear this time

The steam-whistles sound three times

on the one hand it’s quite windy on deck

on the other hand it’s awfully hot below deck

But on the high seas I have yet to wear

the same dress twice

It must be interesting

to be married to such an illustrious man

as Professor Kant

The steward says the professor is

an honorary doctor ten times over

I heard you’d met your husband on the Tristacher See

A see marriage

bursts out laughing

A see marriage

MRS KANT

Yes on the water

MILLIONAIRESS

Your first trip on the high seas

and for such a grand incentive

An honorary New York doctorate

what a climax

MRS KANT

My husband’s doctorate is from Columbia University

MILLIONAIRESS

But of course that makes no difference

Just having any honorary doctor

at one’s table

just having Kant in person

I’m just now realizing what that means

The cardinal is quite beside himself

with the thought that he is on the same ship as Kant

Kant and the cardinal

I love America more than anywhere else

Don’t you

MRS KANT

We are traveling to America for the first time

MILLIONAIRESS

To think that these days there are still people

traveling to America for the first time

gazes out at the ocean

This vast expanse

this infinitude

Well

I firmly believe

Lloyds will raise the jewels

then I will have gotten

what I wanted

After all I owe it to my husband

He had always wanted to become a shipbuilding engineer

a proper shipbuilding engineer

Well you know he came from

a proper proletarian family

Kant in person

It must be marvelous

to be married to a global celebrity

to Kant

Do you go to the masseur every day as I do

I get a daily massage from the ship’s masseur

such a handsome physique

an elegant appearance

he’s told me

he’s basically a doctor

On account of a drawn-out case of pleurisy of his mother’s

he hasn’t been able to finish his MD

Oh yeah illnesses screw up everything

One day you’re on the royal road

to developing a talent

to becoming a genius

and suddenly it’s all reduced to nothing

because some illness has appeared on the scene

Every morning the ship’s doctor comes

and takes my blood pressure

I’ve got my own personal blood-pressure kit here with me

regardless of where I’m traveling to

I always have my personal blood-pressure kit with me

Doctors always work with the dodgiest instruments imaginable

Do you have dreams as absurd as mine

I dream that I’m walking along Fifth Avenue

and talking to a man and I ask him what time is it

and he turns out to be the shah of Persia

bursts out laughing

and he says

my dear

your garter has come undone

My garter I ask my garter

Indeed my dear your garter he says

and so I bend down

and in actual fact

my garter has come undone

Hey I say what are you of all people doing here on Fifth Avenue

But as I’m standing back up

I find myself on the Grossglockner

no kidding

People have the most absurd dreams on the high seas

or they suffer from insomnia

The cardinal has already vomited twice

Seasickness is really god-awful

Have you at least got a decent cabin

I used to be terrified to travel alone

a solo sea voyage quite simply terrified me

with my husband I traveled all over the world

and always by ship

by ship as a matter of principle

whispers in Mrs Kant’s ear

He was an epileptic

again aloud

I hate flying

Ah I like it here on the ship

and being here on the ship suits my tastes

If I’m having bad dreams

I go up on deck

and think about Panama

do you know what I mean sailors love oh yeah

And if my clothes are starting to fit too tightly

well we do after all have a tailor on board

a proper Bohemian tailor

a genius in his own bailiwick

In a couple of days I’ll have Lloyds enough in my pocket

to make them raise the Titanic

A pearl necklace just think of it

that Maria Theresia wore around her neck

and a heap of archducal rings

brilliants diamonds from all the imperial residences

Don’t you find

the cardinal extremely good-looking

He would make a handsome pope

I’m sure one day he’ll be pope

Then I’ll be able to say

I traveled with the pope by ship to America

There are naturally bigger ships

but none of them is nicer

Luxury is nice

High-sea luxury is nice

I don’t understand a thing about philosophy

but please do tell me what is your husband philosophizing about anyway

It’s literally incomprehensible

I would so very much like to read something of your husband’s

do you have anything extra you could spare me

I certainly would prefer not to meet Kant

while knowing nothing by Kant

gazes out at the sea

My mother always told me

don’t talk so much child

it weakens your organism

suddenly

Supposedly the Titanic has made more money

for the survivors’ lawyers

than the whole ship was worth

Are you also insured by Lloyds

Oh yeah

what a lovely afternoon

suddenly curious

What is your husband’s philosophy based on anyway

Oh yeah

Can you believe the surprise I got

when I stepped into my cabin

I’d left the tap running

appalling

here it is two in the morning and I’m ankle-deep in water

it wasn’t until four in the morning

that I managed to go to bed

The skittishness of people is astonishing

a change in the weather is in the air

Have you got your lanterns yet

MRS KANT

What lanterns

MILLIONAIRESS

Why the ones for the Chinese lantern party

MRS KANT

I haven’t yet even given a thought to them

MILLIONAIRESS

I’ve always only ever had yellow lanterns

Yellow is my favorite color you know

it has been since I was a child

I love these onboard theme parties

Once when I was bound for Jamaica

with my husband

there was an incident

The party was already in full swing

and there was an explosion

The ship has exploded I thought

A panic just imagine a real panic

But it was only a firecracker going off

Your husband will enjoy it the party that is

You’ll need at least six lanterns for it

That’s two lanterns per person

your husband you and your husband’s assistant

MRS KANT

Ernst Ludwig

MILLIONAIRESS

Right Ernst Ludwig

Three times two is six

MRS KANT

You’ve forgotten about Friedrich

MILLIONAIRESS inquiringly

Friedrich

MRS KANT

My husband’s parrot

MILLIONAIRESS bursts out laughing

Oh yeah the parrot

That’ll be a real jaw-dropper

when the parrot walks in with two Chinese lanterns

a jaw-dropper

gazes out at the ocean

I love moments like this

when I’m standing here

and looking out

Stay longer in New York

You must stay there longer

You must see Central Park

oh and the many lovely blouses on Thirty-eighth Street

Broadway is no longer

what it once was

that’s all dead and done with

The great actors are all in the cemetery 

and the ones who are alive are nothing

But I’m sure you have no interest in the theater

I don’t go to the theater any more

it no longer has anything to offer

the theater is an anachronism

An acquaintance of mine

an author

and also a philosopher like your husband

has published a book

in which he proves that the theater

is an anachronism

Do you know Strindberg

There’s a real man for you

everybody else is nothing

so I’m better off taking a hot footbath

than going to the theater

Suddenly lifts up the hem of her dress

Look

Mrs Kant looks at the millionairess’s right knee

My kneecap is prosthetic

It’s a long story

It all happened quite suddenly

I was walking along the street three days after

our wedding day

forty-two years ago

and going to the jeweler’s to pick up a napkin-ring

I had given my husband the napkin-ring as a present

an engraving don’t you know

with the date of our wedding on it

As I’m just about to enter the jeweler’s shop

this man walks up to me and says watch out

watch out do you hear me watch out

I’m thinking he’s a lunatic and I laugh

At that very instant the man hits me

in the knee with a metal rod

and with a single blow dashes my kneecap to pieces

It all happened so quickly

that the man escaped unidentified

The case has never been solved

At first the doctors made a wreck of me

In Europe of course basically only bungling hacks practice medicine

Then

after several unsuccessful operations in Viennese and Swiss clinics

I went to America

by then I had already resigned myself

to having a stiff leg for good

but at Columbia University

they fitted me with this prosthetic kneecap

look

moves her leg to and fro in the air

It’s completely normal

even though my kneecap is prosthetic

completely normal as if nothing had happened

The American doctors are geniuses I tell you

lowers the hem of her dress and stands back up on both feet

Naturally I spared no expense

The experts are always expensive

If I had stayed in Europe

I’d still be hobbling about with a stiff leg everywhere

they both sit down

but probably I would have long since killed myself

because I’m not the sort of person

to hobble about as a cripple all her life

MRS KANT

We have high hopes

of my husband’s being helped

in America

MILLIONAIRESS

America has helped tons of people

At first people are skeptical

Anyone who doesn’t know America hates it

Before I’d gone to America

I also hated it

MRS KANT

My husband’s eyes

are getting worse every day

The day

is already in sight

when he’ll have ceased to see at all for good

I’m talking specifically about glaucoma

MILLIONAIRESS

And for glaucoma especially

your husband will be in the best hands

I know a professor there in Chicago

who will make a tiny incision in the iris

and your husband will see better than he did before

nowadays glaucoma is no longer a serious problem

Glaucoma has lost its terrors

MRS KANT

My husband is placing all his hopes

on America

on the American doctors

MILLIONAIRESS

I marvel at your husband

a man who with such bad eyes

sees so much

The cardinal says that even already as of now

your husband has thought deeper thoughts

than anybody else

I never would have dreamed

that I’d get to meet Kant in person

Nor will anybody believe that I have

MRS KANT

Is your cabin as terribly drafty as ours

MILLIONAIRESS

Naturally

All the cabins are drafty

At night I put on a knitted cap

MRS KANT

That’s a good idea

MILLIONAIRESS

After all my grandmother

suffered from drafts

on the high seas

she was a passionate sea-voyager

every year at least one sea voyage

if possible around the entire world

that was an enormity in her day

My grandmother was never

without a knitted cap on board

My child she always used to say

if I didn’t have this knitted cap

Anyone who doesn’t have a knitted cap on the high seas

will come down with every possible illness

they start out as perfectly harmless colds

but they all eventually turn into chronic illnesses

A single night without my knitted cap

and I’d have caught my death of cold

I assume my grandmother had her knitted cap on

when she went down with the Titanic

I can’t picture her doing otherwise

laughs

Oh yeah one can’t protect oneself enough

So aren’t you going to knit yourself a knitted cap like mine

MRS KANT

Certainly a knitted cap like yours

would be beneficial to my husband

MILLIONAIRESS

A knitted cap like mine

is the best protection

I must of course devote a considerable outlay

to the raising of the Titanic

So far Lloyds has shortchanged me

it’s an uninterrupted struggle

to get hold of what you’re legally entitled to

This is my third trip to America

on Lloyds-related business

but I’m not giving up

I promised my husband

when he was on his deathbed

to take the matter in hand

Two lanterns per person

remember that

A parrot with two Chinese lanterns

MRS KANT

Ernst Ludwig will have to carry Friedrich’s lanterns

MILLIONAIRESS

A screamingly funny fellow

Where in the world did you dig him up

MRS KANT

Without Ernst Ludwig

my husband would be lost

He’d be unable

to carry Friedrich himself

MILLIONAIRESS

A screamingly funny fellow

An intellectual trio

bursts out laughing

An intellectual trio

MRS KANT

You’re right about that

MILLIONAIRESS

Say somebody stuffs a fortune

into a certain head

for instance Kant’s head right

then at the very least that somebody is going to learn

what the point of the intellectual world is

The intellectual world is

a whole different world

I grew up in the capitalist world

I am a true child of capitalism

My husband only ever addressed me as

my capitalist child

The first night at sea

he always had diarrhea

For days on end I’ve been observing your husband

he’s fascinating

What I find most striking

is

that your husband undoubtedly

has a large shoe-size

MRS KANT

Forty-six

MILLIONAIRESS

That’s exceptionally large

MRS KANT

At clearance sales

it’s an asset

MILLIONAIRESS

Yes at clearance sales large sizes

are absolutely an asset

Kant and the others are approaching

MRS KANT

Here comes my husband

MILLIONAIRESS

These footfalls herald the arrival of Kant

Both of them turn around

Enter Kant with a sheaf of papers, Ernst Ludwig with Friedrich, and the steward with blankets

Mrs Kant and the millionairess stand up

KANT promptly taking a seat on one of the folding-chairs, to the millionairess

My wife prizes such universal breadth of conversation as you afford

MILLIONAIRESS laughing

We understand each other

Professor Kant

We understand each other perfectly

Mrs Kant and the steward adjust Kant’s folding-chair

Ernst Ludwig has set down Friedrich’s cage and the bag of seed and is swathing Kant’s feet

MRS KANT to Kant

Will you be needing your head-cushion

KANT

Naturally my head-cushion

at midday I obviously need

my head-cushion

to the millionairess

The atmospheric conditions are worsening

licks his right index finger and holds it in the air

West-northwest

STEWARD springs to attention

West-northwest Professor Kant

Kant adjusts his eyeglasses and opens the sheaf of papers

MILLIONAIRESS

My finest sea-voyage

Professor Kant

To have such a lofty intellect on the ship

I am in raptures

I have recommended to your wife

the wearing of a knitted cap for the prevention of colds

I knitted my own knitted cap myself

But you can also buy knitted caps below deck

MRS KANT

Raise your head

KANT

Head raised

Mrs Kant and the steward are inserting Kant’s head-cushion

Wait wait

that’s just right

looks straight ahead

Now I have the ideal line

to the millionairess

Do you know Joseph Conrad

MILLIONAIRESS

Who is that

KANT

One of our greatest authors

a Pole

MRS KANT to the millionairess

Won’t you be seated

KANT to the millionairess

Please do take a seat

Ernst Ludwig moves Friedrich’s cage to a position immediately next to Kant’s folding-chair and swathes Kant’s legs in the blankets

The steward swathes Kant’s upper body in the blankets

Even on the high seas

darkness reigns supreme

One’s frame of mind varies

Eccentricity

Nature

is the quintessence of artificiality

MILLIONAIRESS

I showed your wife my knee

my artificial kneecap

my American kneecap

as my husband always called it

exposes her knee

Look Professor Kant

here is my prosthetic kneecap

MRS KANT

American surgeons

fitted her with it

American doctors

are the best

MILLIONAIRESS

The best in the world

without a doubt

KANT staring at the millionairess’s knee

I see nothing

You know I have glaucoma

I see nothing

almost nothing any longer

a pair of foundational principles perhaps

then darkness reigns supreme

MRS KANT to the millionaires, who has pulled back down the hem of her dress

He can see your knee

but he can’t tell

that your kneecap is prosthetic

MILLIONAIRESS

For an intelligent person

the fear of going blind

is the most appalling of all fears

I have always thought

better to lose a leg

than an eye

bursts out laughing

Eyes are still pretty much never replaceable

All joking aside

as far as ophthalmologists go

Columbia University really is

the most celebrated place

to Mrs Kant

I had a niece

who went blind over the course of just a few days

incurably

the poor child

Once I went out with her to pick raspberries

in the Black Forest

but the poor child couldn’t find a single berry

Mrs Kant beckons the steward over and whispers

something in his ear

In European institutes for the blind

the most indescribably appalling conditions reign supreme

Tell me Professor Kant

what is the basis of our more or less permanent fear of death

our dread of the end

KANT flying into a rage

Don’t say the word end

MILLIONAIRESS nonplussed

Oh yeah well everyone’s got their own finishing-line

after a pause

Are you seasick Professor

KANT

You can quite easily see that I am see-sick

you can quite easily see it on account of my glasses

MILLIONAIRESS

I mean seasick

not see-sick

MRS KANT

My husband is not seasick

he is never seasick

MILLIONAIRESS

Such intellects always suffer

from horrible seasickness occasionally

Kant leafs through his papers

MRS KANT to Kant

I shall knit you a cap

MILLIONAIRESS

Knit your husband

a red cap

a red cap will go well with his face

not a blue cap

not a green cap

a red cap

tightly knitted

laughs

a cap with holes only

for the eyes and the nose

to Mrs Kant

I haven’t the faintest idea

why I’m suddenly thinking

about the story of Little Red Riding Hood

to the steward

Hey why don’t you fetch me

a double whisky

it’s too lovely here

one must take advantage of such opportunities

to Kant and Mrs Kant

May I treat you two

to a whisky

MRS KANT

My husband doesn’t drink

MILLIONAIRESS

Well that’s too bad

Exit steward

Soon it will rain again

and everybody will be miserable

Kant is jotting down notes on his papers

An artist I always used to say

or a scientist one must be

an artist or a philosopher

then I suddenly married Richard

dragged him out of the mud so to speak

But life on my side

was entirely too strenuous for him

I wore him out

For the proletariat

the atmosphere of luxury is too thin

my father always used to say

Oh yeah, I have been on my own now for an awfully long time

Re-enter the steward

with a double whisky for the millionairess

The millionairess drinks a large gulp of whisky

Life is too short

to be allowed to slip away

don’t you think so too Professor

I have always been a happy person

at bottom

What I’m saying is a platitude

but I am actually happy

With Kant in person

on a ship

bound for America

drinks another gulp

For some people it’s always a catastrophe

and for others a huge blessing

raises her glass to the everyone in turn

I drink to your healths

Professor Kant long may you live

KANT cocks an ear towards Friedrich’s cage

to Ernst Ludwig

Nothing not the faintest sign of activity

ERNST LUDWIG

Perhaps he’s sleeping

KANT

We were up too late last night

Kant is the one

The Psittacus erithacus the other

Probably the doctor’s procedure

exhausted him

I summoned the doctor

and had him auscultate Friedrich’s head

The doctor kept his opinion to himself

cocks an ear towards the cage again

to the millionairess

Will you allow me for simplicity’s sake

to call you Millionairhead

Of course you may also address me simply as Professor

MILLIONAIRESS

You flatter me Professor Kant

How ever have you managed

to become so famous

How do you keep all those philosophies of yours in your

head

KANT

I have stored everything

I have ever thought

in Friedrich

If I lose him

I shall have lost everything

MILLIONAIRESS

I have always marveled

at people

who have written books

naturally philosophical ones

most of all

KANT

It is a question of working

He who works through history

in one direction

as in the other

through the whole of history

do you understand

MILLIONAIRESS

My that’s exciting

drinks a hefty gulp

Mrs Kant beckons the steward over and whispers

something in his ear

KANT

Every thought

is the whole of history

is past and future

is everything

do you understand

a patriarchy naturally

cocking an ear towards Friedrich’s cage

The doctors are deranging

everything in a certain person

killing everything in a certain person

starting with Friedrich

to Ernst Ludwig

Has he eaten

Ernst Ludwig nods

How much

Ernst Ludwig indicates the amount on the bag of seed

If the development of a body itself

produces the axial rotation

then it is reasonable that all the spheres of the cosmic structure must have it

why then does the moon not have it

gazes meaningfully at everyone in turn

suddenly to the millionaires

Tell me

do you by any chance play the piano

MILLIONAIRESS

Where did you get that idea

KANT

It’s just a question

you seem very much like

someone who plays the piano

MILLIONAIRESS

I like listening to music

is that it

KANT

That’s it

I can plainly see that

That’s it

MILLIONAIRESS

Where can one buy your books

I should like to buy literally everything you’ve written

Professor Kant

MRS KANT

Everywhere

all over the world

MILLIONAIRESS

I can hardly believe it

an event

a once-in-a-century event

KANT

Leibniz said Leibniz

I said Kant Kant

The causes are the heavenly bodies

planets

comets

MILLIONAIRESS

The most important thing

that has ever been thought

has been thought in your head

according to the cardinal

Ah it would be wonderful

if he became pope

The world has never had

such a handsome pope

suddenly to Kant

What do you think of the Church

KANT while jotting down notes

The ecliptic

is another

The direction as area

is another

MILLIONAIRESS drinks a hefty gulp

A whole new system of thought

I think

Kant cocks an ear at the cage and beckons Ernst Ludwig over

Kant and Ernst Ludwig both cock their ears towards the cage

These animals

are very sensitive

I had a titmouse

who understood everything I said

suddenly he fell from his perch

before my very eyes

it made me really sad

To this day I still carry the dead titmouse with me

in spirit

a quite harmless perversion perhaps

drinks a hefty gulp

KANT to Mrs Kant

Doctors induce

nothing but deteriorations of one’s condition

a rustle of flapping wings from within the cage

MILLIONAIRESS

Do you hear that

Kant shoves Ernst Ludwig aside and listens

He’s woken up

KANT

He’s woken up

possibly from a fainting fit

FRIEDRICH

Fainting fit fainting fit

Kant tugs at the cover and briefly peers into the cage

MILLIONAIRESS

That bird is the most important thing

that you own Professor Kant

the very most important

KANT lets go of the cover

to the millionairess

The system is a false system

the system is always a false system

The steward makes as if to leave

MRS KANT

Wait

Fetch the podium

My husband will now give a lecture

Exit Steward after filling the millionairess’s glass

FRIEDRICH

Now now now

KANT

Towards the ecliptic

naturally

perpendicularly

FRIEDRICH

Perpendicularly perpendicularly

MRS KANT

My husband gives

his lecture

without warning

at a precisely determined

unforeseen point of time

The Millionairess swallows a hefty gulp

In Würzburg he had only a dog

for an audience

KANT to the millionairess

A brilliant lecture

quite possibly my most brilliant lecture

ever

Kant has never left Königsberg

This lie is widely believed

MRS KANT to the millionaires

My husband has asbestos arch-supports

in his shoes

he fears

he’ll catch fire

if he doesn’t have

these arch-supports in his shoes

when he’s lecturing

MILLIONAIRESS

I’ve also always been afraid

of electricity

You just stick your hand in

and you’re carbonized

bursts out laughing

carbonized

to Mrs Kant

carbonized

FRIEDRICH

Carbonized carbonized carbonized

MILLIONAIRESS to Kant

Are you not also insured by Lloyds Professor Kant

FRIEDRICH

Lloyds Lloyds

MILLIONAIRESS

In your position

I’d have taken out a huge policy

on the parrot a long time ago

Lloyds will insure pretty much anything

Two three million

in the event of that untimely occurrence Professor Kant

Or maybe you should insure

your own head

your brain Professor Kant

for a million

what am I saying

for ten million

drinks a gulp

to Mrs Kant

In Duisberg they fitted me with a kneecap

that wasn’t rustproof

I have always dreamt about it

with a capacity to hold together

in the most confined space

exclaims

The light of eyesight

for the light of reason

MRS KANT

Where is your husband buried

MILLIONAIRESS

In New York

By the evening after our arrival

I shall be with him

My first business visit

is my visit to him in the cemetery

The steward and substeward are carrying a podium on to the deck

MRS KANT crying out and leaping up

The podium

The millionairess drinks a gulp

Mrs Kant points to a spot behind Kant

Put it over there

The steward and the substeward set up the podium behind Kant

Immanuel

the podium

KANT

The podium

stands up

Ernst Ludwig assists Kant

FRIEDRICH

Ladies and gentlemen

KANT motions for the folding-chairs and non-folding chairs to be cleared away

Away

Away with all this

Away away

The steward and the substeward move the folding chairs and non-folding chairs away from the vicinity of the podium

Kant looks on as the steward and the sub-steward and Ernst Ludwig set up the podium at the spot desired

by Kant

Good

good

Everybody steps back

The millionairess has stood up

Kant stations himself behind the podium and is soon deeply immersed

in his papers

Ernst Ludwig places Friedrich’s cage next to Kant

Remarkable acoustics on the high seas

Enter upstage the cardinal along with several passengers

one at a time

Please sit down

Please do sit down

Mrs Kant sits down

The millionairess sits down

Everybody else sits down one at a time

FRIEDRICH

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen

Ernst Ludwig opens the bag of seed, removes the cover

from the cage completely, and feeds Friedrich

Ladies and gentlemen

Millionairess drinks a large gulp

Enter two passengers

The steam-whistles sound three times

KANT flustered

Please sit down

Please do sit down at once

The steam-whistles sound three times

Sit down

The passengers sit down

FRIEDRICH

Sit down sit down

The steam-whistles sound three times

KANT after a fairly long pause

It is impossible to speak of reason

on the high seas

The steam-whistles sound three times

Rear Deck

A small drawing-room

Dance music is playing in the adjacent large drawing-room

Kant, Kant’s wife, the millionairess, the cardinal, and the admiral dining around a table

Ernst Ludwig with Friedrich in a covered cage

at a small table stage right

Enter the steward and the substeward

The dance music grows louder

The steward displays a bottle of champagne to the captain

CAPTAIN reads aloud from the bottle

Château Maginot

Nineteen-seventeen

Murmurs of strong approval all around

MILLIONAIRESS exclaims

But there’s no Sunshine

There’s no Sunshine

CAPTAIN

There’s no Sunshine

That art collector’s never on time 

The steward opens the bottle and pours

The captain to Kant

The finest weather conditions

Professor Kant

MILLIONAIRESS

What a lovely Chinese lantern party

ADMIRAL

I enjoy these Chinese lantern parties

CAPTAIN pointing at Ernst Ludwig

A solicitous soul

this specimen

of a well-nigh extinct breed of the human race

MILLIONAIRESS

An authentic bird-protector

He devotes his life completely

to the animal

MRS KANT

Friedrich is almost fifty

ADMIRAL

An astonishing age

for a bird

MRS KANT

Psittacus erithacus

in the right conditions

lives to the age of a hundred

CARDINAL

The native habitat of Psittacus erithacus

is Guinea

if I’m not mistaken

MILLIONAIRESS

You were the nuncio there

weren’t you

CARDINAL

Indeed I was

KANT

I gave Friedrich a sleeping pill

Conscious participation

in this Chinese lantern party

would irritate him inordinately

ADMIRAL

Typical of someone with a head like a storage-bank

KANT

Or a storage-bank like a head

MRS KANT

Without Friedrich my husband

couldn’t exist

ADMIRAL

There is no doubt

that one may grow accustomed to such an animal

MRS KANT

My husband is no animal-lover

that is something different

MILLIONAIRESS loudly

I love animals

more than anything else

I have always

loved animals

ADMIRAL

In America the love of our fellow creatures

is extremely intense

CAPTAIN to Kant

The finest weather conditions

Professor Kant

lifts his glass and glances at all the guests in turn

Still no Mr Sunshine

an old friend of the ship

Since thirty-seven at the latest

Sunshine has been traveling on this ship

The most celebrated art collector

of all time

A Goya specialist

an anthroposophist

a student of human nature

a cosmopolitan

surveys the guests

My dear Professor Kant

it is an edifying moment

to have you here

on my ship

on the Pretoria

and to raise a glass

with all my guests this evening

Everybody raises his glass and drinks

I must say

that this is the most wonderful Chinese lantern party

that I have ever hosted

peers into the large drawing-room, in which the music is now

even louder, then

This Chinese lantern party will

go down in history

not only in nautical history

but also in the history of philosophy

Mrs Kant applauds the captain

MILLIONAIRESS joins her and exclaims

To think that I am allowed to be present at the making

exclaims loudly

of the history of philosophy

CAPTAIN

Tomorrow morning

at exactly eleven-twenty

American time

we shall be arriving in New York

Enter one of the ship’s officers, who delivers a message

to the captain

The captain after having read the message

The problem with the engine has been fixed

We had a problem with the engine

Everybody is completely motionless for an instant

MILLIONAIRESS

I didn’t detect the faintest hint of it

Kant is raising his eyes

I didn’t detect the faintest hint of it

Exit the ship’s officer

CAPTAIN

Everything is in order

Everything is in order

MRS KANT

That hunch of yours

about that strange sound

to Kant

Don’t you see

it really was something

to the others regarding Kant

My husband has quite an extraordinary sense of hearing

he had a hunch there was a problem with the engine

CAPTAIN

But please set your mind at rest

everything is in perfect order

raises his glass

Everybody raises his glass and drinks

The dance music grows louder

MILLIONAIRESS

This is the most exciting sea voyage I’ve ever been on

MRS KANT

My husband is never mistaken

CARDINAL

It’s hardly a pleasant thing to think about

going down with the ship

MILLIONAIRESS

A guardian angel

is on board

We have a guardian angel on board

drains her glass; the steward immediately refills it

ADMIRAL

It is absolutely impossible

for a ship like this one to sink

It is so well constructed

that it can even run aground of an iceberg

and not sink

We’re no longer living in the days of the Titanic

raises his glass to everyone else in turn

To your health Professor Kant

 Everyone raises his glass to Kant’s health and drains his glass

The steward refills everyone’s glass

CAPTAIN

Nowadays

ocean liners are

the safest means of travel

MILLIONAIRESS

Do you remember how the entire Manchester Philharmonic Orchestra

sank off the coast of Argentina

Since then there’s been

no Philharmonic in Manchester

My brother-in-law was on board

he managed to escape drowning

CAPTAIN

Sea travel hasn’t witnessed a disaster

on that scale in decades

MRS KANT

My husband was apprehensive

The steward opens a second bottle of champagne

about undertaking this sea voyage

But I managed to set his mind at rest

MILLIONAIRESS

The stars are auspicious

ADMIRAL

Are you conscious of this Professor

that your philosophy is the only one

that the world is compelled to acknowledge

has shaken it from the ground up

all the rest of them count for absolutely nothing

KANT

The ecliptic

in defiance of reason

proves all laws

ADMIRAL

The astonishing thing about it of course

is its enormous impact

but naturally this impact

is not itself astonishing at all

to the cardinal

The Church naturally always

clings to its ecclesiastical standpoint

MILLIONAIRESS to the cardinal

Your eminence I have a question for you

is it true that when a pope is elected

white smoke ascends

Everyone exchanges glances with one another

At the very instant

at which a new pope is elected

CARDINAL

Yes

white smoke

actual white smoke

MILLIONAIRESS

Do you think

that at the next papal election

a Roman

or a non-Roman will become pope

suddenly enthusiastic

You would be the ideal pope

There has never yet been

a pope as sublimely elegant as you

Enter the art collector

CAPTAIN exclaims

Sunshine our art collector

greets the art collector and leads him to the table

art collector sits down after bowing

in every direction

Our art collector

collects only the most valuable pieces of art

ADMIRAL

That is of course

a debatable assertion

CARDINAL

Of course

CAPTAIN

A specialist in Goya

Velasquez

Rembrandt

MILLIONAIRESS

Rembrandt

I love Rembrandt

CAPTAIN to the art collector

Have you been able to buy the drawings

to the others

He has a soft spot for Kubin

You all know who Kubin was

ART COLLECTOR

The only exception I make

is Kubin

otherwise I collect only old art

MILLIONAIRESS to the art collector

Tell me Mr Sunshine

don’t I know you from Brussels

Let me think

suddenly exclaims

Of course

but of course

you are a third cousin of mine

does Monfalcone mean anything to you

ART COLLECTOR

It’s where my maternal ancestors hail from

MILLIONAIRESS

You see

You are a relative

drains her glass

No matter where I go

I run into relatives

Each and every time I’ve traveled to America

I’ve run into some relative on the ship

Oh yeah chance encounters are the spice of life

ART COLLECTOR

Our relatives are

wherever things are beautiful

and wherever things are interesting

CAPTAIN

Mr Sunshine

is an Italian

but he has an American passport

The steward opens a third bottle of champagne

and if I am not mistaken

a Portuguese one as well

ART COLLECTOR

And a German one

ADMIRAL

Do you specialize more in oil paintings

or in drawings

ART COLLECTOR

Oil oil

I exclusively collect oil

with very few exceptions

Toulouse Kubin whom I mentioned earlier

The captain stands up and asks Mrs Kant to dance with him and leads Mrs Kant into the large drawing-room

MILLIONAIRESS to the admiral

How were things in Persia

do tell me

inquiringly

was it your first trip to Persia

ADMIRAL

My first trip to Persia

MILLIONAIRESS

Persepolis

were you not thoroughly impressed by it

I am a column fanatic

In Persia I saw

the most beautiful columns

Too bad though

that I couldn’t read

what was written on them

Did you also visit the stone tombs

The admiral shakes his head in the negative

You really should have seen them

gone into the tombs

directly into the tombs

Do you speak Persian

The admiral shakes his head in the negative

The millionairess drains her glass

One can’t master everything after all

to Kant

Isn’t that right Professor Kant

one can’t master everything after all

If only life weren’t so short

Life is much too short

ADMIRAL

You are absolutely right about that my dear

MILLIONAIRESS

There’s no end of things

one ought to see

I was especially impressed by the faces

of the lepers in Shiraz

those faces that had been

almost completely eaten away

I had never heard anything

about this reign of leprosy in Persia

On the one hand

this superabundant luxury

on the other

this dreadful poverty

ADMIRAL

A land of contradictions

MILLIONAIRESS

In Persia you’re constantly worrying

you’re going to come down with something fatal

ADMIRAL

In Tehran conditions of absolute chaos

reign supreme

MILLIONAIRESS

A horrible city

to the cardinal

Have you ever been to Persia your eminence

CARDINAL

To Afghanistan yes

to Persia no

MILLIONAIRESS

Naturally

of course there’s no Christianity in Persia

Ever since I was in Persia

I’ve been unable to stand the sight of a Persian rug

Even long before I had had an aversion

to Persian rugs

to the admiral

As an admiral you’ve surely seen

the whole world

or at any rate the whole coastal part of it

ADMIRAL

The whole coastal part of it at any rate

Seafarers

have been everywhere

literally everywhere

They are familiar with everything

MILLIONAIRESS

Everything except the Alps

In the Emmental you’d be hopelessly lost

ADMIRAL

You’re right about that my dear

the Emmental is more than a match for me

MILLIONAIRESS

I’m talking such a load of rubbish

and Professor Kant is sitting across from me

Oh yeah

I’ve never been this interesting

on my way to America

KANT beckons Ernst Ludwig over

calls out to him

Ernst Ludwig

Ernst Ludwig straightens the cover of the cage and comes to the table

Get

your glass

Ernst Ludwig fetches his glass from his table

Kant beckons the steward over and motions him to pour champagne into Ernst Ludwig’s glass

Pour him

some champagne

CARDINAL

A loyal servant

of his master

ADMIRAL

The likes of him

are a dying breed

an irrevocably dying breed

KANT to Ernst Ludwig

When Friedrich wakes up

remove the cover

These important people must see him

regarding the captain

They should hear Friedrich

hear how he pronounces the word captain

impeccably

to the cardinal

And the word cardinal

and to the admiral

and the word admiral

and to the millionairess

And the word millionairess

raises his glass and toasts Ernst Ludwig,

who toasts him back

Ernst Ludwig returns to his place and eats and drinks some more and watches the scene at the table; now and then he cocks an ear towards the cage and peeks under the cover

Psittacus erithacus

needs a great deal of sleep

MILLIONAIRESS exclamatorily

So you’re a zoologist too

Professor Kant

I was completely unaware of that

A philosopher and a zoologist

combined

to the admiral

You have a really remarkable way of holding your fork

admiral

a really remarkable way

ADMIRAL

It’s owing to a bullet wound

that I sustained in the Ardennes

at a secret conference

MILLIONAIRESS inquiringly

An assassination attempt

ADMIRAL

An attempt

on the life of the Tunisian ambassador

who was killed

I myself

was only wounded

in my left hand

To this wound I owe

my Grand Cross of the Legion of Honor

MILLIONAIRESS inquisitively leaning over towards the admiral

Oh yeah

the Grand Cross of the Legion of Honor

What were you doing in the Ardennes anyway

ADMIRAL

Attending a secret meeting

of the French and British governments

MILLIONAIRESS

So you were in the government

ADMIRAL

I was her majesty’s counsel

MILLIONAIRESS

The queen of England’s

ADMIRAL

Yes of course

I held this position

for six years

MILLIONAIRESS

How exciting

to be honest

I’m a pacifist

I am against war

I am against everything having to do with war

looks at everyone else in turn

Everyone’s got to be against war

to the cardinal

How about you your eminence

what brings you to America

CARDINAL

I am delivering the inaugural lecture

for a professorship in equilbristics

The captain and Mrs Kant re-enter and sit down

in Chicago

a favor for a friend

Moreover I have a high regard

for American doctors

MILLIONAIRESS

All invalids are drawn

to America

American doctors

have the best reputation

In Europe there are

no longer any decent doctors

ADMIRAL

European medicine

is no longer worth anything

The steward opens the fourth bottle of champagne

MRS KANT to her husband

Do you see

the hopes of all invalids

are set on America

KANT

A body can right itself

much more fully

vis-à-vis many oblique surfaces

than it can in relation to those

that it encounters head-on

and perpendicularly

MRS KANT regarding her husband

My husband has always

stretched his faculties to their very limits

this is what has brought on his glaucoma

if you know what I mean by that

a case of glaucoma

otherwise known as the green cataract

MILLIONAIRESS

One can’t think as deeply for decades

as Kant has done without being punished for it

drains her glass

CARDINAL

The dreaded green cataract

nowadays no longer leads to total blindness

one’s so-called ocular pressure

can now be kept safely at bay

thanks to modern medicine

MRS KANT

I was told the same thing by the ship’s doctor

CARDINAL

A first-rate human being to boot

MILLIONAIRESS

A typical ship’s doctor

ADMIRAL

Doctors are the true eccentrics

of this historical epoch

CARDINAL

I can only agree with you on that point admiral

MRS KANT

My husband has always had nothing but contempt for doctors

CARDINAL

Contempt of doctors

is quite common

among thinkers

MILLIONAIRESS to Kant

Who exactly was this Leibniz person

you’re always talking about

Over and over again you keep mentioning his name

KANT

Mr von Leibniz

A close acquaintance of mine

with whom I went on many long walks

we never got tired

we understood each other

from the very beginning

like no other two people

Mrs Kant beckons the steward over and whispers something in his ear and then slips him a banknote

With Leibniz

one heart one soul my dear

two perpetually

converging magnitudes

We made each other’s acquaintance in Sopot

Newton

was our employer

if you know who Newton was

MILLIONAIRESS

I think I’m going to have to bail on you

Professor Kant

to the art collector

Goya was a genius wasn’t he

Did you know him

ART COLLECTOR

Not personally

MILLIONAIRESS

I have such an incredible fascination

for Rembrandt

How he distributes his colors

he always knows

where to put the colors

holds her glass out to the steward; the steward fills it, and she drinks its entire contents at one go

Do you know

that I am planning a trip to the North Cape

it would be too lovely

if you all went with me to the North Cape

points at Ernst Ludwig

He looks a lot like your Friedrich

He basically

has the same facial features

Professor Kant

MRS KANT regarding Ernst Ludwig

As a child

he fell from a tree

and so became mute

The Blue Danube can be heard playing in the large drawing-room

MILLIONAIRESS crying out enthusiastically

My favorite waltz

I love the Blue Danube

The admiral stands up and asks the millionairess to dance with him

The millionairess exiting arm-in-arm with the admiral

My favorite waltz

The Blue Danube grows louder

KANT turns to Ernst Ludwig, whispers to him

Do you hear anything

is he still sleeping

Ernst Ludwig peeks under the cover of the cage and shakes his head

Kant to the cardinal

Friedrich evinces no interest whatsoever

in merrymaking

The steward opens the fifth bottle and pours

On these tablets

he sleeps for two hours

But I simply cannot

place Friedrich at the mercy of this whole situation

I dreaded this journey

everywhere I go

people say

There’s Professor Kant

who has never left Königsberg

Mankind has gone mad

Insecurity has increased

Mrs Kant whispers something in the steward’s ear

Mankind dreads nothing more

than itself

Security is always

only a lethal security

I now grasp for the first time

what I am aiming for

glaucoma has

opened my eyes

Mankind has committed treason

to the cardinal

I have been interested in

equilibristics all my life

My talent was once a completely different talent

I was enormously talented as an equilibrist

Truth is in equilibrium

In Chicago you say

a professorship in equilibristics

That is an enormity

All my life I have been interested

in the method of equilibrium

All my life I have suffered from

a weakness of equilibrium don’t you know

shipwreck people

equilibrists

writers of comedies

Before the darkness enters completely

to punish a pair of illuminations for the crowd

witches’ curses

executions of the intellect

My method is the total method don’t you know

The fear of losing my eyesight

has opened my eyes

It is nothing but a race with waning eyesight

I hate America

everything American is loathsome to me

In truth all the American universities have invited me

but I have accepted none of these invitations

My wife found out

that there are doctors in America

who specialize in glaucoma

glaucoma specialists don’t you know

Glaucoma is still completely unexplained

Glaucoma research is still groping about completely in

the dark

Nothing is known about glaucoma

But it surely has something to do with the destruction of the soul

Basically it’s my wife alone

who has brought me on to this ship

in truth dragged me on to it dragged me dragged me dragged me

I would never have voluntarily boarded this ship

I dreaded boarding it from the very beginning

Travel on the high seas

what a lethal concept gentlemen

what an enormity  

The Blue Danube grows louder

When I compose a lecture

it is always a lecture on death

on illness progressing to death don’t you know

on this process

that from here to infinity will remain unexplained

Health is a usurpation gentlemen

Health is an act of rape

The integral is hell

A ship’s officer approaches with a telegram

The steward takes the telegram from him

MRS KANT beckons the steward over, takes the telegram from him and reads it silently, then announces

Immanuel a telegram

KANT inquiringly

A telegram

MRS KANT

A telegram

from Columbia University

KANT

Really

MRS KANT

Shall I read it out

KANT

From Columbia University

You know I pretty much

can’t see anything at all anymore

I didn’t see anybody

delivering a telegram at all

MRS KANT holds the telegram aloft

Here is the telegram

here it is

KANT

A telegram from Columbia University

MRS KANT to everybody else

May I read it to you

reads the telegram aloud

We welcome Kant

to America

the event of the twentieth century

Applause all around

KANT

I am bringing America reason

America is giving me eyesight

Applause all around once again

MRS KANT

Columbus discovered America

America has discovered Kant

CAPTAIN

We must celebrate this

this bestows greatness on our Chinese lantern party

raises his glass

To Kant

CARDINAL

And to America

all rising and exclaiming in only vaguely approximate unison

To Kant and to America

to America and to Kant

KANT

I thank you for your attention

If tension

is like a line

then force

is like a square

Everybody sits back down

The integral is the hell

in which we all perish

The steward opens the sixth bottle and pours

Regardless of

whom we deal with

it is a lethal process

But history is a feast for the eyes

A feast for the eyes

stands up and for a moment remains completely motionless

A feast for the eyes gentlemen

sits back down

My wife

is the victim of this lethal science

and Friedrich

turns towards and points at Friedrich

its executor

Millions of asses’ ears

in my writings

Millions of asses’ ears gentlemen

from time to time I think

I am mad

An environmental punishment naturally

An excess

A total lack of kindness

My lectures always end with the sentence

I thank you for your attention

Friedrich has a command of this sentence that is second to none

I thank you for your attention

to the cardinal

The Church is the beneficiary of my achievements

The Church is the murder of nature

The Church is where

nothing but artificiality reigns supreme

It is an enormous libel suit

I am making this journey

in order to find my eyesight again

for by now I am pretty much blind

When there is virtually nothing but shadows

reason has no foundation whatsoever

I thank you for your attention

FRIEDRICH

I thank you for your attention

I thank you for your attention

KANT turns towards Friedrich

Do you hear

how he imitates me

he has been noting down everything

Psittacus erithacus

the genius of numbers and numerals

the feathered conscience of my cognitions

the only person

whom I have ever possessed in his entirety

orders

Ernst Ludwig

bring him here

He belongs here

He has woken up and belongs here

Friedrich belongs here

Mrs Kant whispers something in the steward’s ear

The cardinal whispers something in Mrs Kant’s ear

The art collector whispers something in Mrs Kant’s ear

Kant to the art collector while Ernst Ludwig is carrying Friedrich

to the table

Art collector

The steward opens the seventh bottle

You are an art collector right

listen

takes the cage from Ernst Ludwig and holds aloft the cage including Friedrich

Here my dear Mr Art Collector

I offer you the greatest work of art in the world

lowers the cage

my Friedrich

FRIEDRICH

Friedrich Friedrich Friedrich

Ernst Ludwig takes the cage including Friedrich from Kant

KANT exhausted

The greatest work of art in the world

Friedrich

my Friedrich

Mrs Kant stands up and with the help the steward makes enough room on the table for the cage to be placed on it

Ernst Ludwig places the cage including Friedrich on the table

Kant to the art collector

Here take

what you have been searching for all your life

My Friedrich

tears down the cover of the cage with lightning speed

FRIEDRICH

Friedrich Friedrich Friedrich

Mrs Kant whispers something in the steward’s ear and slips him a banknote of large denomination

KANT to the captain

My captain

my Friedrich

licks his right index finger and holds it high

Wind west-northwest

full speed ahead

STEWARD springs to attention, saluting

Wind west-northwest

full speed ahead Professor

The admiral and the millionairess return from the large drawing-room, in which a waltz is being loudly played

The admiral goes to the table and sits down

THE MILLIONAIRESS now almost completely drunk, walks up to Kant and spreads her arms

Ladies’ choice Professor Kant ladies’ choice

FRIEDRICH

Ladies’ choice ladies’ choice ladies’ choice

MILLIONAIRESS

Ladies’ choice Professor Kant

Kant rises from the table

The millionairess takes him in her arms

Ladies’ choice Professor Kant

come along

MRS KANT

Go on then

Go on

CARDINAL

Kant is dancing

Kant is dancing

ADMIRAL

This is quite inconceivable

CARDINAL

Kant is dancing

The millionairess leads Kant into the large drawing-room

Everybody gazes after the two of them

FRIEDRICH screeching loudly

Kant is dancing Kant is dancing Kant is dancing

Disembarkation

The captain, steward, substeward, ship’s officers, and sailors are lined up on board to take leave of the passengers

The steam-whistles sound

On shore are people awaiting passengers; among the expectants are doctors and male nurses from a New York mental hospital

The cardinal appears first and is taken leave of

by the captain

Sailors carrying the cardinal’s luggage follow him

down the gangway and ashore

The steam-whistles sound twice

The cardinal is followed by Sunshine, the art collector

and other passengers

The steam-whistles sound three times

The next to leave is the millionairess with her entourage

Then Kant with Mrs Kant, immediately followed by Ernst Ludwig with Friedrich in his cage, as the steam-whistles sound three more times

The steward and some sailors carry Kant’s luggage

MRS KANT stopping halfway down the gangway and pointing to the shore with her outstretched right arm

Look

the delegation from Columbia University

A brass band on shore strikes up

The steward walks down to Mrs Kant and helps her keep her balance

KANT

Really

a delegation from Columbia University

Kant and his entourage disembark

ONE OF THE TWO DOCTORS walks up to Kant and asks          

Professor Kant

KANT, surveying his surroundings with head held high, replies proudly and distinctly

You recognized me

The steam-whistles sound three times

The doctor takes Kant by the arm and leads him offstage

The nurses follow them

The End

*Passages in blue are indebted in whole or part to IanJohnston’s translation of Kant’s AllgemeineNaturgeschichte und Theorie Des Himmels.   

Translation unauthorized but ©2012 by Douglas Robertson


Source: Stücke 2 (Frankfurt: Suhrkamp, 1988)